January 2008

In this issue:

F`ree to our subscribers!

Conscious Dating
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com

Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic
www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Email

Copyright 2007 by ConsciousDating.org All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

Announcements

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

For the two year anniversary of the publication of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World on February 13, 2008 we'll announce the results of our second annual-

Conscious Dating
Success Story of the Year Contest

We're awarding an iPod Nano loaded with our best Conscious Relationship Audio Programs ($400.00 value) to the first and second place winners.

Check out last year's winners here

Submissions will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating book. All submissions become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and in print.

- Do you have a success story to share? Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm

- Know anyone with a success story to share? Please forward this announcement to them!

- Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story in the making? With 6 months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com

Let the contest begin!

Announcing- Second Edition of Conscious Dating Book!

The second edition of Conscious Dating has just been released. Here are some changes in the new edition-

• New sub-title- "Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life That You Love"
• "Conscious Dating" more clearly defined and explained in the Introduction
• Paperback (second edition is not available in hardback)
• "Dating Red Flags Checklist" added to Chapter 8
• Jeanette Ball's inspiring Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year added to the appendix

The impetus for the second edition was our distributor requiring a paperback version for placement in bookstores. As long as we were going to publish a paperback version, it seemed like a good idea to update the book with the new material developed since publication.

The first edition hardback and CD is still available on our website at www.consciousdating.com and Amazon.com.

The second edition is now available at BarnesandNoble.com and Amazon.com as well as bookstores around the country.

Advanced Conscious Dating Strategies

These programs provide advanced information, strategies, and tips to help you find the love of your life.

Each program includes the MP3 audio recording, complete written transcript, and Study Guide to follow along and take notes.

Program #1- Are You Ready for Love?

Program #2- Being The Chooser

Program #3- Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate

Program #4- Conscious Dating: How to Connect to Your Life Vision

Program #5- Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50

Program #6- Scouting: Where to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #7- Advanced Strategies for Sorting, Screening, and Testing

Program #8- Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #9-Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1200 Miles Away

Check them out at www.ConsciousDatingAudio.com

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Conscious Mating Audio Programs

When you're dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right relationship for me?"

Our Conscious Mating Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.

These audio programs are recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making notes.

Program #1- Is This the Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage

Program #2- Am I Ready to Be a Couple?

Program #3- Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience

Program #4- Should We Live Together?

Program #5- Dealing With Our Baggage

Program #6- Are We Compatible?

Program #7- Sharing Our Vision

Program #8- Deciding "Is This The One?"

Program #9- When We Must Say Goodbye

Check them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com

Ask Our Coaches:
Do I have to Wait to Date?

... I know I've made some bad choices in the past, but I certainly don't want to spend all of my time alone with myself...

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches, 

My coach tells me that it's best if I don't date while taking your Conscious Dating Relationship Success Training for Singles program (RESTS). I don't understand why. Why shouldn't I be out there having a good time, finding the person for me, while I'm working with my coach? I know I've made some bad choices in the past, but I certainly don't want to spend all of my time alone with myself.

Christine from Chelsea

Hazel responds …

I think it’s really great that you decided to work with a coach on relationship success. Congratulations. I'm assuming you chose to use a coach because you were having a challenge meeting the right kind of man.

Speaking not only from over 20 years of working with clients, but also from personal experience, I know that going out and having a “good time,” because that’s an old comfort zone, can easily lead to old patterns and negative choices. I don’t know, of course, how you feel, but I truly understand that you don’t want to spend all of your time alone with yourself and, of course, you don’t have to.

However, I highly encourage you to get comfortable not having a man in your life, for a while, to give yourself a chance to get used to the new place you will come from and the new choices you are going to make. Learning to really love yourself will open doors to making different choices. If you feel yourself weakening, I suggest you ask yourself if you will be happy making another unwise choice.

I usually request that my clients don’t date during the initial stages of the training because one of the things they want to achieve is not only to make better choices, but also to learn that they are really great and that they deserve to have the best of everything in life.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have fun. It just means you shouldn't put yourself at risk for a while. Be patient. Ask your friends to be supportive while you are going through the program. Make plans to go out to dinner, the theater or the movies. Volunteer for something. Sign up for a class. Write a list of things you’d love to do and then set them in action.

This is a wonderful time to achieve lots of new things for yourself. There are so many fun things to do without having a man in your life. Get totally comfortable with yourself and you will be ready and open to attract the right man for an incredible relationship. I wish you lots of luck.

Hazel Palache | www.TheAstonishingPowerofYou.com
818.972.4415

Typically, none of us like to be alone all the time -- but why do you feel the need for companionship so strongly? Do you feel it is due to healthy needs or does dating supply a substitute for being "OK" with yourself?

Examining your past bad choices may give you some clues related to your motivation towards dating. What lesson do you need to learn from these past experiences? Your coach is simply trying to help you move toward conscious dating which balances your heart and your head. If you feel you must date before you complete your RESTS training, ask your coach to help you understand recreational dating and stick to that for now.

Don Bailey
www.consciousdating.org/coach/donbailey.htm
941.266.1944

Caroline responds …

Congratulations, you signed up for the RESTS course and you have a coach to support you in finding a relationship based on responsible choosing. Imagine -- you never need to make those same mistakes again! Perhaps you are used to being “out there having fun,” but it was not that much fun when it turned out to be a mistake. Unfortunately, that is the way so many people continue -- on that treadmill -- in that vicious circle.

Your coach, being a professional, will only recommend you resist this small temptation. It's your choice, but let me assure you that the RESTS course does what it says --if you give yourself this chance to be with yourself, and fully appreciate YOUR needs and requirements in a relationship, then you will be able to go full speed ahead afterwards. And it will be more fun and more rewarding than you ever imagined! Good luck for a fabulous 2008.

Caroline Minto FRSA | +39.333.934.4973

Gina responds …

While it is very tempting to run out and date with some of your new found discoveries from the RESTS program, you owe it to yourself to take a little bit of time for yourself to really discover who your ideal future mate is and to realize who you are and what you want out of your life by completing the program first.

Is there any point in meeting someone that you think may be a potential partner, and then discover several more weeks into the program that he is not meeting your relationship requirements? Potentially, this could set you up to turn a blind eye and you could end up with an unsuccessful relationship which will cost you more in time and emotional pain.

Not dating for several weeks out of your life, now, could allow you to have a lifetime of happiness in the future. As you go through this process, by all means, do not spend this time completely alone; instead, share this time with family and friends engaging in activities that bring you joy.

Gina Logan Daniels | 905.873.4463

Cher responds ...

One of the Ten Principles of Conscious Dating is to be a "Successful Single." There is no way that you can become part of a successful couple without accomplishing this first. To be a successful single, spend some quality time alone with yourself to learn about who you are at this juncture in your life. You must clearly understand your values, vision, and life purpose.

Spend time discerning and factoring down your requirements, needs, and wants so your relationship can thrive. You need to know which of the core relationship competencies are already a part of your repertoire and which ones will require some fine-tuning. All of this can only be discovered in the silence of your authentic self. Are you running from a relationship with self?

Diffuse your pent-up energy through exercise, gardening, vigorous walks, or volunteer work. Remember the adage, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got." Until you do the inner work, you are not going to find “the person for you.” Instead, you'll be out there wasting your valuable time setting yourself up for the same old disappointments you've always found. Listen to your coach -- that's why you hired her.

Cher Tanner | www.FastTrackHappiness.com
727.432.9494

Feature Article:
Save Your Next Relationship Before It Starts

by Annette Carpien

RCI Coach Annette Carpien discusses what gets in the way of creating successful relationships. By taking these to heart, and doing some personal work, singles can expect better results in their next relationship.

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor

Are you hungry for that lovin' feeling? Why does true love seem so elusive? Why does it so often lead to heartbreak? Check out these heartbreak clues to discover how you can achieve better results in love.

Heartbreak Clues

1. You're Miserable Being Single

Wanting love is very different than being desperate for love. Are you lovable? Can someone else love you when you don't even like yourself? If you are looking for someone to rescue you from yourself, you will need to become your own hero first. Loving and respecting yourself are very attractive features and will attract a self-respecting partner. Unfortunately, the converse is also true.

2. You Have No Boundaries

You have few boundaries, if any, for yourself or your partner's behavior. Are you too accepting of bad or disrespectful treatment for fear that he or she won't want to bother with you any longer? Are you or your partner not really available to commit to this relationship? Do you say “yes” when you wish you could say “no”?

If the person you are involved with is still married, or not fully divorced and healed, he or she is not really available to you. Open your eyes. If you don't want to waste your life in a relationship that's going nowhere, set a boundary that you won't get involved with someone unless he or she is fully available right now. In addition, he or she should treat you with respect consistently.

3. You Lack Direction

You don't know who you are, what is important to you, or where your life is headed. What are your values? What values do you want to share with your life partner? What do you need to do, be and have in order to be happy and satisfied? What impact do you want to have in the world or in someone's life? What emotional, physical and perhaps spiritual qualities and circumstances are of utmost importance to you in a love relationship? Socrates said it best, "Know thyself.” You are uniquely you; shine the light of self-knowledge on your requirements, needs, and wants, your life vision, dreams and goals. You want a partner who will support and help fulfill these for you.

4. Trust and Commitment are Missing

Attraction and chemistry are important ingredients in every love relationship, but over time they are likely to fade. The intensity of these factors are boosted by the hormone dopamine, which like adrenaline, energizes and makes a new relationship feel exciting.

Over time, from 2 months to 2 years, the effect of the dopamine will dissipate and a feeling of "ho-hum" will set in, unless new ingredients, like trust and commitment, highly bonding in nature, continue to grow.
Like salt and pepper, trust and commitment, and other bonding dynamics, will enhance the flavor of the attraction between you. If these two qualities are not present, your relationship will begin to feel bland, or downright distasteful.

5. You're Sabotaged by the Past

You are still hurt from past relationships. The hurt you carry around from the past will taint, sabotage or damage other relationships unless you are able to:

1) Learn from and heal the hurts from the past (there ARE processes to heal the heart), and

2) Distinguish the past from the present.

If you believe the past will repeat itself, for example, with infidelity, you might unconsciously set up the conditions so it will happen again. Keep in mind that this partner is not the previous partner or other person who hurt you before. Don't blend your past and present experiences, like a ball of mixed up playdoh colors, into one mishmash of hurt.

6. Your Emotions Run the Show

You have few useful relationship or communication skills. When you are angry, upset or hurt, you blow up, blame, threaten and/or take no responsibility for your part in the problem. If every upset or argument with which you're involved has the same pattern and upsetting outcome, notice “who” is the common factor.

It may feel like it's always the other person's fault. You may even be sure it's the other person's fault, but take the hint and work with a relationship coach to learn how to resolve upsets so you both feel heard, validated and respected. Don't keep doing the same thing and expect a different result!

Lasting Love: How to Get Started on the Path

Wanting a loving, secure relationship does not mean you're actually ready for one. To be truly ready and available for a lasting and healthy relationship, you need to ...

• Feel good about yourself and your life
• Know who you are and what is important to you in a relationship
• Have strong boundaries that, like mosquito repellent, repel unhealthy behaviors
• Learn relationship skills that will help transform heartbreak into happiness.
• Work with a life and love coach to step into the life you want.

By considering these “heartbreak clues” and working on various parts of yourself and your relationship, you'll increase your success with all of your relationships. May you have much happiness in love!

Copyright © by Annette Carpien. All rights reserved.

Annette Carpien | annette@greatrelationshipstraining.com
610.428.2755

Bonus Article:
Conscious Mating:
Is this the Right Relationship for Me?

by David Steele, Founder and CEO, Relationship Coaching Institute

Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as consciously as possible.

You are a Pioneer

You are the pioneer of your life. And if you are reading this, you are most likely seeking to be the pioneer of your relationships by striving to break free of past patterns and to make conscious relationship choices. As a relationship pioneer, your goal is to be fully aware of the long-term impact of your choices and date and mate with conscious intention.

You are determined to create the life and relationship you really want and believe that true love and fulfillment will happen only if you go after what you really want and don’t settle for less.

Everyone begins their journey towards a successful and fulfilling committed life partnership as a single. When you date and finally find someone to bond with in a relationship, it's very exciting, but at the same time, most are conscious of the question, "Is this the right relationship for me?" and are in, what I call, the "Pre-commitment Stage" of a relationship.

The journey from single to becoming a conscious couple in a successful, fulfilling committed life partnership is what I call "conscious mating." Just as a conscious single must have clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to get it, so must a conscious couple.

As challenging as it is for you to make good, long-term relationship choices when you’re single, it can be even more challenging to make good, long-term relationship choices when in a pre-committed relationship.

What is Pre-Commitment?

When singles become couples in today's world, most are wondering at some level, "Is this 'The One'? Should I be with this person for the rest of my life?" They are an exclusive couple, but not yet committed.

It may be tempting to call these couples "pre-marital" as a catch-all term to include all couples that haven't yet taken the step of becoming committed. However, in my opinion, the mindset of a pre-marital couple is, "We want to be married," which is very different from the pre-commitment mindset of, "Is this the right relationship for me?"

When I first identified the pre-commitment stage and started developing some approaches to working with these couples, I recognized this stage as different than "pre-marital" but didn't know what to call it. The label "pre-commitment" was intended to be temporary, but it stuck.

I was amazed at the lack of recognition, information, and resources for this stage of relationship among mainstream relationship experts and the available research and literature. Even today, while this phenomenon has become common practice in our culture it is still largely unrecognized in the mainstream, which I hope to change with articles such as this one.

Two Types of Pre-Commitment

Pre-committed couples generally fall into two categories:

#1 Unconscious: Typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.

#2 Conscious: Aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves, "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.

Romantic Love and Pre-Commitment

There are many misconceptions about love. Our culture glorifies the romantic love stage of relationship in literature, theater, television, and movies. It is that initial infatuation stage of a relationship when our chemistry is in high gear and we experience euphoria. Powerful amphetamine-like neurotransmitters flood and alter our brain chemistry.

While unsustainable, the romantic love stage serves an important purpose because it gives us a taste of our best and most powerful selves. If the relationship turns out to be a good long-term choice, this stage bonds us together and prepares us to weather life’s inevitable storms. Confusing this initial romantic stage with real, sustainable love is a mistake that can be our undoing.

We want and expect to be happy, and romantic love is eternally optimistic. We don’t want to believe that when we experience this intense chemistry with someone that it won’t work. We want to avoid the pain of failure and can be tempted to try hard to fit a round peg into a square hole, twisting ourselves into a pretzel trying to “make” a relationship work.

In today’s world when singles become couples, few jump blindly into immediate commitment. Most new couples are “pre-committed,” meaning they are an exclusive couple, but they haven’t yet decided the future of their relationship. This stage coincides with romantic love, and conscious couples who understand relationships realize the need to get to know one another long enough for the infatuation to wear off and experience the reality before making irreversible long-term choices.Conscious Mating – A Radical Position

Here is the radical truth: Relationships do break up. As hard as we might try to prevent and avoid relationship failure, it happens anyway. Because there are many unconscious forces at work in every stage of a relationship, being fully aware isn’t easy and controlling the outcome is impossible. These unconscious forces have the potential for undermining our best efforts to sustain love if we are not aware.

In conscious mating, rather than unconsciously believing romantic fantasies of living happily ever after, we accept this truth. Since relationships break up anyway, why not be as conscious as possible in the process and increase our odds of success?

Choosing Your Relationship Challenges

Every relationship has challenges. This is normal and does not mean there is something inherently wrong with your relationship. Some challenges are solvable and can be addressed and resolved, others are perpetually unsolvable. Prior to making a commitment in a relationship, or in the "pre-commitment" stage, is your opportunity to choose your future as objectively as possible.

You can use the pre-commitment stage of a relationship to identify the solvable challenges and unsolvable problems in your relationship. You can then make a conscious choice to take them on and live with them, or decide that they sabotage the long-term sustainability of your relationship and walk away while you still can -- with much less pain and cost than further down the road.

In pre-commitment, you are in an exclusive relationship that is not yet committed. This gives you an opportunity to identify whether this relationship meets your requirements and needs for a successful long-term relationship before you make a commitment. Using the pre-commitment stage to make conscious long-term choices makes good sense.

Pain Prevention

Even if you experience the pain of breaking up in the pre-commitment stage, this prevents you from experiencing even greater pain down the road.

Making the most conscious choice possible before making a commitment is, in my opinion, a pain-prevention gift you can give to yourself. As difficult as it is to make the choice to end a relationship, you will save yourself the devastation you will surely experience at the end of a mini-marriage or a divorce, especially where children are involved.

If you are in a relationship that is not yet committed and are asking the question, “Is this the right relationship for me?,” I encourage you to make a long-term relationship choice that will result in the life and relationship that you really want before you make a commitment.

We must acknowledge the possibility that your current relationship is not “The One.” Therefore, I suggest you seek to gain clarity about what you really want and need in a relationship and whether or not your current relationship will result in living the life you love with the love of your life.

Copyright 2008 David Steele

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of "The Communication Map: A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships." For more information about The Communication Map visit www.thecommunicationmap.com

For more information about Conscious Mating visit www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com

Conscious Dating Resources

F`ree monthy Conscious Dating Tele-seminars

F`ree monthy Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic

New! Conscious Dating Audio Programs

• Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
  
• Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1500 Miles Away
  
• Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate in 2007
  
• Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate


• Check Out Our Advanced Consicous Dating Strategies Audio Package
• New! Conscious Mating Audio Programs

Visit our website at www.ConsciousDating.org for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

" Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach

For More Information

ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at www.consciousdating.org
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Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Visit www.ConsciousMating.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
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Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
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Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Links to Us

Contact

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
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Visit our website for singles at www.ConsciousDating.org

Relationship Coaching Institute
Free introductory training! www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

Members of Relationship Coaching Network
Free resources for singles and couples www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter and join our f`ree Conscious Dating Online Community click here

Please refer singles your care about to www.ConsciousDating.org

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Copyright 2007 by ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
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