December 2005

In this issue:

Conscious Dating:
Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Available NOW at www.ConsciousDating.com

New! Free!

Conscious Relationship Articles
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Cindy Briolotta, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Email

Copyright 2005 by ConsciousDating.org
All rights reserved.

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"

Conscious Dating Book Now Available

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in TodayÕs World is now available for immediate shipping!

Visit www.consciousdating.com for FREE:

• Conscious Dating Book Excerpts e-Program of 19 daily excerpts from each chapter of the book
  
• PDF download of three complete chapters

To order a copy of this book for yourself or a single friend or family member in time for the holidays, visit www.consciousdating.com or use this direct order link

FREE Audio CD with each book!
(available for a limited time while supplies last)

Ask Our Coaches:
How do I say "No?"

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

This Month's Question: How do I say "No?"

Dear Coaches,

I'm a 34-year old single female. I've been trying internet dating for the past few months. My question has to do with how to handle dates -- the ones after the first ones. I find myself getting into uncomfortable situations because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. But, what I find is that I'm the one that ends up being very uncomfortable, doing things I'd rather not be doing.

Here's a typical scenario. I meet someone online, end up chatting on the phone, and then if there's an interest, we meet in person. I might not find the guy attractive for any number of reasons. At the end of the date, he'll say something like, "Can I call you?" or "Would you like to get together again?" Even though I don't want to, I end up feeling pressured, or I don't want to say "no" because it seems so rude.

The truth is that many times, I really don't want to see this person again … but I get myself into "hot water" by not standing up for what I really want. Do you have any advice on how to handle this? I'm tired of going on dates when I really don't want to. How can I be nice without being rude? How can I stop saying "yes" when I want to say "no"?

Brooke from Port Charles

Frances responds …

Almost everyone has had some discomfort at the end of a first date, especially about what to say next! Here are a few suggestions:

If you know early in the date that you’re not interested, keep it short, and at some appropriate moment, say something like “You know it has been lovely meeting you, but I sort of feel that we don’t have enough chemistry to continue any further.” Even if he looks a bit shocked, remember that it’s better to let him down nicely, now, rather than at a later time when he thinks you really like him.

Or, if saying something at the end of the date feels too confrontational, consider sending him an email within the next 24 hours and say something similar to the above. “Thanks for meeting up yesterday (perhaps inserting some positive things about him), however, there was not enough chemistry between us to go any further. Wishing you the very best....”

This may seem a bit harsh to you, but it’s an honest, caring approach that works effectively. It is far better than unintentionally stringing him along – both for him and for you.

Frances Amaroux | The Love Coach
www.turning-point.com.au | www.AwareConnections.com

Peter responds …

It’s important that you communicate your intention to move on, but to do so in a way that is immediate, respectful, firm and polite.

I sense two issues here: (1) rejection and (2) authenticity. No one likes rejection and perhaps you're thinking about the other person’s reaction at hearing your rejection. The bottom line is honesty, and expressing that as early as possible. One possible suggestion is to say, "I'm grateful we had the opportunity to meet but I don't feel there's a good fit for us here."

Or, perhaps, you might try, "I'm pleased we had the opportunity to get together, however I sense the chemistry is not right for us to continue further." Depending on what you've already discussed, it might be more appropriate to say, "I'm pleased we had an opportunity to meet, but I feel we're not on the same page going forward."

Keep in mind that there's no need to go into the "why” behind your decision. Should he ask, change the subject, paraphrase your statement, or immediately move into dialogue that moves you both in another direction. Take a deep breathe, and be firm in your resolve. You might consider role-playing with a friend so that you feel safe and grounded with saying "no" politely.

Concerning the second issue, authenticity, it must be frustrating when you intend to show up and express yourself authentically, and then find yourself resisting and showing up in a different way.

You might want to explore your notion of "not wanting to hurt someone's feelings," a reaction that doesn't seem to serve your needs and wants. Do you react this way in other, non-dating, areas of your life? Do you show up authentically, as who you really are, or do you find yourself often playing a role that's inauthentic and which causes you pain?

Authenticity does not have to be "rude" or otherwise negative; in fact, being who you really are allows you to experience more happiness and contentment in life.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D., C.P.C. | 770.804.9125
pvajda@spiritheart.net

Sandra responds …

Congratulations on recognizing that you have some boundary challenges. I can assure you that you are not the only one who experiences this problem.

First, understand that it is not rude to tell another person that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship. As I’m sure you know, eventually you must tell your date that you don’t want to see him again. However, until you do that, you have essentially led him on—whether that was your intent or not.

Believe me, your date will be less hurt if you tell him up front rather than after he starts to develop feelings for you. I suspect that you don’t have a model for how to deliver the news in a gentle way. The important point to keep in mind is that you don’t want to appear as if you are judging the other person.

One possible response you might offer is “I appreciate your interest, but I don’t think that we are a match.” You can deliver this is a gentle, but firm voice. Note that there is no judgment of the other person. You are merely making a statement that reflects your sentiment and what’s in alignment with your requirements, needs and wants.

Since this statement might not flow easily, practice it, again and again, in front of a mirror, until you are comfortable saying it. You might also consider role-playing with a friend so that you can see what it’s like to actually say it to another person.

Sandra Rohr, MA | www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching | 714.774.8540

Top

Relationship Readiness Quiz

Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor

Feature Article

Dating 101: Three Dating Lessons
Featuring Relationship Coaching Institute Coaches

Lesson #1: How to Be Clear of the Past

There are two crucial things we must do to get clear of the past before we can move on:

1. Make a place for the past. To not do so sets us up for the past to come back and revisit us when we least expect it or want it.

2. Put the past in it's place. The place for the past is behind you, like a chapter in a book you’ve already read. One of the best ways to do this is to make note of what you learned from the situation and be clear on what you plan to do differently in the future.

Consider what it would be like to drive your vehicle looking only in the rearview mirror. You are bound to crash. The same thing applies when we spend our time focused on the past.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT | www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
jeff@jeffherring.com | 850.580.5333


Lesson #2: Check Your Requirements

Let’s say you’ve identified your life purpose, created a vision of the life you want, and clearly identified your requirements, needs and wants. Now, how do you determine whether a potential soul mate meets your requirements?

First, ask questions about their activities, travels, job, family, etc. Most of us are thrilled when someone really wants to listen and learn about us. Also, have a couple of fun questions in your pocket such as “Who is your favorite relative?” or “What would be the vacation of your dreams?”

Second, ask about their vision for the future. Where does your date want to be personally and professionally, five or ten years from now? Listen carefully! Hopefully, your date will ask you about your vision, which will allow you the opportunity to share some more important issues such as whether you want to be married or have children.

In short, make your date a partner in checking out your requirements by providing tools that make it easy for him or her to share with you.

Ken Sprang | www.bcccounseling.com
ken@bcccounseling.com | 301.907.3377, ext. 3


Lesson #3: Take Things Slowly

When you meet someone who might be a match, it’s very exciting. All your longings for love and intimacy surge up inside of you. When first in love, your brain chemistry actually changes with the production of PEA, a brain chemical that makes you feel high and euphoric. This heralds the beginning of the romantic stage of a relationship, which is marked by attraction, infatuation, and attachment. In reality, however, this stage will not last.

Eventually, you and your mate must deal with differences, disagreements, conflict, and the responsibilities of daily life --bills, work, family, and friends. In reality, it takes a while to get to know someone on a deep level. Some of your basic requirements must be tested over time. So take things slowly. Keep your feet on the ground.

As the old song goes, "Let’s take it nice and easy, it’s gonna be so easy for us to fall in love."

Alice Carlton, LCSW | www.alicecarlton.com
alice@alicecarlton.com | 919.942.3494

© 2005 by ConsciousDating.org / All rights reserved.

Top

Conscious Dating Resources

Visit our website at http://www.ConsciousDating.org and join for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

• Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

• Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

• Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

• Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

• Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at http://www.ConsciousDating.org/coach

Top

Bonus Article

Top Ten Relationship Attitudes for Singles
By David Steele, Founder and CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

Here is a list of attitudes that I believe are important for singles to adopt in order to find fulfillment in life and relationships.

How many of them are already a part of your life?

Which ones do you want to strengthen in the New Year?

1. I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

2. I strive to live and “be” in the present

3. I love, accept, and trust myself

4. I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal

5. I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with others, and myself, aligning my words, values and actions

6. I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences

7. I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals

8. I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

9. I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships

10. What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally

©2005 by David Steele. All rights reserved. David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. www.consciousdating.com

Conscious Dating Coaches Around the World

The following are classes for singles being offered by Certified and Master RCI Coaches (trained by and affiliated with Relationship Coaching Institute). Some are offered locally, and some are teleclasses that you can join from wherever you are!

CALIFORNIA

Friday Speaker Series:
Weekly Presentations to help you find the love of your life and live the life you love!! Every Friday except holiday weekends, 7:00-9:15pm. Doors open 7pm, Program 7:30 to 9:15 pm, socializing afterwards.

The RCISV Friday Speaker Series is held on the campus of JFK University in the Campbell Community Center One West Campbell Avenue, Campbell, CA 95008, Bldg. A, Room 212 (not affiliated with JFK University) Campbell, CA.

Admission: $15
Contact:
Carol Daly at 408-261-3332 Ext. 4 or Carol@RCISV.org
Go to http://rcisv.org/calendar.php for our schedule.

Top

For More Information

ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at http://www.consciousdating.org

New! Free!

Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Articles
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: http://www.consciousdating.org/coach

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.PartnersInLife.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Top

Links to Us

Contact
Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, ConsciousDating.org Newsletter for Singles tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

Visit our website for singles at www.ConsciousDating.org and become a member for Free!

Relationship Coaching Institute
Free introductory training! www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

Members of Relationship Coaching Network
Free resources for singles and couples www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter

Please refer singles your care about to ConsciousDating.org

BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
Free monthly tele-seminars! www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

Copyright 2005 by ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.

Top