November 2005
Conscious Dating:
Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
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Copyright 2005 by ConsciousDating.org
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Ask
Our Coaches:
To Touch or Not to Touch?
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
This Month's Question: To Touch or Not to Touch?
Dear Coaches,
I'm a 43 year old single, female. I've been divorced for a couple of years (after a 15 year marriage) and I just started dating … or trying to date, again.
Recently, I met a guy through an online dating service. We went through the typical e-mailing back and forth, a couple short telephone calls, followed by a date last Saturday evening.
We went for a walk and then we stopped by a small café for a light dinner. When I was talking to him, I rested my hands on the table -- something I tend to do when I lean forward to talk. He proceeded to take hold of my hands and started to caress them. I was really taken aback and was actually a bit freaked out. I casually -- if there could be such a thing -- pulled my hands away and sat back in my chair with my hands folded in my lap.
The evening, which had been rather pleasant up until that time, took a different course for the remainder of the evening. I just didn't feel comfortable having someone I don't even know touch me like that. If I were at work, it would be considered an illegal act to touch me. Why would someone take that liberty on a date, let alone a first meeting?
Is this a bit "out there" or is this what people do on dates nowadays? I know I haven't been into the dating scene all that long, but have things really changed? Is this a red flag? I won't see him again because it made me so uncomfortable, but I need to know more about situations like this and how best to handle them. Any advice?
Melodie from Mystic Cove
Alan responds …
Welcome to the world of adult dating. As you discovered, first date behaviors
can vary considerably. Some men will hardly look at you; other men will
want and expect sex on the first date. Some of these personality types
might be revealed, in advance, through online profiles, phone calls, and
emails. Other times, however, you just have to meet a man and get to know
him.
There could be a number of reasons why this man held your hands and caressed
them. He could just be a warm, touchy-feely kind of guy who likes physical
contact. He could be trying to warm you up for a roll in the sack later.
Or, he could be a very needy person who wants to be liked on the first
date and married by the third date. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Assume it was harmless flirtation, because the reason doesn't matter.
What matters, Melodie, is that you were uncomfortable with it. You did
the right thing, for you, by deciding not to see him again. You didn't
try to adapt to his style, nor did you ask him to change. Good for
you. On future dates, you will run into this again, and more. Assuming
your first dates are in public places (they are, aren't they?), simply
respond to any unwanted advances by saying "No, thank you. I'm not
ready for that kind of relationship yet." After you're home, you
can decide whether to proceed slowly to the second date, or to make the
first date the last.
Alan Stafford | www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com
alan@relationshipsuccessexperts.com | 704.795.9596
Ken responds …
You asked great questions – ones that are often ignored by many people in similar situations.
First, it would be good to get clear, if you aren't already, about your
"deal-makers" and your "deal-breakers."
Deal-makers are the qualities that you absolutely must have in your relationship,
without any negotiation or compromise. The deal-breakers, on the other
hand, are those qualities, behaviors or characteristics you absolutely
will not tolerate under any circumstances. It’s best if you write
these down so you have a checklist. You can add other things to this list
including your "desirables," those highly desired but not mandatory
requirements, and your "wish list" items, those "if I could
have anything and everything" characteristics that really aren’t
that important, but you would certainly enjoy if they came along.
Once you have your list, you now have the beginning of your relationship
template or the model that you are aiming for with a relationship. This
guy obviously touched on one of your deal-breakers. He loses out. Good
for you. Stick to your guns or else you will settle for the unacceptable
which always leads to unnecessary heartache.
From what I see and experience in my practice, there does seem to be more
of an entitlement mentality nowadays. However, just because this might
be a socio-cultural phenomenon, that doesn't mean you have to participate.
It just means that many people, if not most, are very unclear about boundaries
and limits. If your values say to go right, yet the rest of the world
is going left, you are best to go right because, in the end, you are going
to be with you. If you give yourself away just to be a part of a relationship,
then there is no “you” left in the end.
Ken Donaldson, MA, LMHC | www.REALationshipCoach.com
Ken@REALationshipCoach.com | 727.394.7325
Marcia responds …
You’re in charge of setting and maintaining your own boundaries,
so it doesn’t matter what is legal or illegal on the job.
Why a date acted inappropriately also doesn’t matter. What matters is that he violated one of your protective boundaries (to not accept affectionate contact from a near stranger). If your date’s actions strike you as odd or freak you out, then trust your feelings and don’t worry about what society dictates as the norm. Inappropriate touching is indeed a red flag, and you are a wise woman for not excusing it away.
Now, what about the polite new fellow who hugs you (or responds to your casual hug) and tries to kiss you goodnight? If you’re not “ok” with kissing on the first date, gently disengage and explain as much to him (i.e., set your boundary). Then, watch his reaction closely. Does he argue with you or give you a hard time about it, or does he bounce back from the rebuff graciously? He’s doing his best to take cues from you, and you must take cues from his behavior as well. Strong protective boundaries, which include trusting your gut when it tells you something is amiss, will allow you more enjoyment when dating a prospective Mr. Right.
Marcia Augustine | www.emotionalwavelengths.com
Marcia.augustine@dairemount.com | 770.499.8932
Mike responds …
A terrific question, Melodie. I’m sorry it had to be cultivated
out of an unpleasant experience.
Whereas I'd propose that there's nothing inherently wrong with a touch (or touching) on a first date (upon mutual agreement, of course), some generalizations come to mind:
- Some men are capable of boorishly pushing themselves upon their dates
emotionally or physically
- Men are often less skilled than women at "reading between the
lines," thereby misunderstanding your responses on a date
- Some men feel that they need to be the initiator
Lessons to keep in mind:
- Beware of this possibility for the future, and conduct yourself accordingly
(avoiding anything that could be misinterpreted as an invitation)
- Consider such an experience as merely tactile feedback that this man,
or another similarly behaving one, is "not on your relationship
frequency" (the case 95% of the time anyway, right?)
- Consider leading off your next dates (in a semi-humorous manner) with
this anecdote (to lay the ground rules, yet subtly, for the duration
of the date)
- Finally, NEVER commit to more than a 45-minute cup of coffee for the
first 2-3 dates. A dinner date is much too much commitment for date
#1. You will hardly "know" him after that short period. Take
your time.
Mike McCartney | www.SinglesOfFaith.com
Mike@SinglesOfFaith.Com
Lori responds …
Good for you to notice a red flag during your first date with Mr. Internet!
Rather than the red flag being about your date, my guess is that this red flag represents you are not ready to be dating yet. Everyone has different standards about dating. Some people sleep together on a first date, while others would not consider kissing or holding hands for weeks or months.
What are your boundaries? What you are willing to accept and not accept? Once you know your boundaries, make them clear to your date when they are crossed.
You have a choice how to respond when someone holds your hand on a first date. In this situation I would ask you to look at how you responded as you did. Clearly, a line was crossed for you, and you reacted quite strongly, which is important information for you.
You may have an issue regarding "trust" that you might consider. After a divorce, it is imperative that we work on ourselves to get ready for our next relationship. We do not want to bring issues with our ex into a new relationship. Ask yourself if there are any unresolved issues (such as trust) and get some clarity about them before you go on another date. Become more clear about what you do want, then you will attract that into your life.
Lori Rubenstein | www.daretotranscend.com
lori@attorney-coach.com |
928.634.0252
Sandra responds …
Bottom line: Only you can decide who can touch you and when.
That said, let me play devil’s advocate for a moment. I don’t believe things have changed that much in 20 years. I am considerably older than you, and holding hands, even on a first date, was common even in the fifties, and undoubtedly even before that. And, you were not at work.
You say that you spent time e-mailing; you talked on the phone, went for a walk, and then stopped for dinner. By this time, I would think there was some sense of connection, certainly mutual interest at the least. It sounds as though things were going well, and you say that everything was pleasant. Your body language—leaning forward—indicates interest. Adding all these things together, I can see how he would interpret your hands on the table as an invitation to be touched—especially if he had an interest in you.
Some people are more touchy-feely than others, and he may be someone for whom touch is another means of communication. If he backed off as soon as you made it clear you didn’t want touch, I would not consider his touch to be a red flag.
The best way to handle this -- be upfront. Always, always honesty and openness. If you are uncomfortable with touch on a first date, be sure that the man you are meeting knows that before you meet. Be careful about your body language and about putting your hands on the table when you talk so that you don’t send an unintended message. I do not intend to "blame-the-victim" here, but if his words and actions showed respect and care I would not consider him to have been out of line. It is your responsibility to be sure that your date knows your limits. The true red flag would be if your date did not respect your stated boundaries.
Sandra Rohr, MA | www.wellspringscoaching.com
714.774.8540
Relationship Readiness Quiz
Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a f`ree membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor
Feature Article
Dating on a Budget
by Sandra Rohr, M.A.
So money’s a bit tight . . . . But, you’ve met
someone who looks interesting. And you’re really tired of sitting
home alone.
Dating has to be really expensive, right? Perhaps you should just forget
about dating until your finances are in better shape -- right?
Wrong! A lack of finances can actually work to your advantage. Here
are five reasons why dating on a budget can work for you:
- There’s a misconception that the only acceptable date is to
wine ’em and dine ’em at the Ritz. While it’s true
there are people who feel that way, your financial situation will weed
out these gold-diggers—with whom you most likely wouldn’t
be happy with anyway
- Often the dates that bankrupt you are the extravagant ones where
the focus is on the venue, rather than connecting with the other person.
A less extravagant date, on the other hand, is perfect for getting to
know someone new – with no expectations on either side
- Big-event dates tend to make us nervous and uncomfortable, especially
if we feel out of our element, while the small date applies no pressure
- You will know that your date is interested in you, not just
in what you can provide
- If you’re unable to spring for expensive theatre tickets and a gourmet meal, then you will have to exercise some creativity, which will make you more fun to date!
One word of advice: Be honest about your finances up front. Tell your potential date that you are interested in dating, but that in your current circumstances, your dates need to be modest in scope.
Ideas for dating on a budget:
- Picnics. Everyone loves a picnic! Find some unusual
or out-of-the-way park for your picnic, perhaps one of those tiny city
parks, where you can feed crumbs to the pigeons. Don’t think that
you need to be limited by the weather to enjoy a picnic. In the winter,
consider the living room floor for take-out or homemade pasta. With
the addition of some Andrea Bocelli CDs, you have an evening in Italy.
Or, consider a drive in the country during the rain; take a thermos
of tomato soup, along with a loaf of French bread and enjoy it while
taking in the scenery.
- Concerts in the park. Many cities offer free outdoor
summertime concerts. Take a thermos of coffee and some decadent brownies
to enjoy.
- Movies. Find out your date’s favorite classic
movies and rent several of them; enjoy an afternoon of movies with cheese,
crackers, apples—and lots of great conversation.
- Cultural. Explore an ethnic area of your city together,
absorbing the culture, browsing unique, funky little shops; get a bite
to eat from a street vendor.
- Museums. Spend a day at a museum—check the
internet for unusual interests.
- Sports. Are you both baseball fans? Football? Whatever
your interests, make a date to watch a game on TV. Peanuts and beer,
anyone?
- Outdoor activities. Do something active together. Go rollerblading or bicycling. Play volleyball. Take your dog to the park and play Frisbee.
This list is only the beginning. Once you recognize that expensive dates are unnecessary you will begin to come up with great ideas of your own. The burden of coming up with ideas need not be yours alone; invite your date in on the decision-making. A worthwhile date will enter into the spirit of creating fun and inexpensive dates—together.
For further suggestions, I recommend the following books:
• Cheap
Dates: Fun, Creative, and Romantic Dates That WonÕt Break Your Budget
• 2002
Things to Do on a Date: From Fun, Sometimes Silly, Romantic, to the Unique by Cyndi Haynes
• 52
Great Cheap Dates (52 Deck Series)
• Romantic
Antics: Creative Ideas for Successful First Dates, Adventurous Saturday
Nights, and Playful Long Weekends
• Inexpensive
Romantic Ideas For The Average Guy : A Guys New Little Black Book
• Date
Ideas: Fun Things To Do For Couples
Enjoy dating, even when your finances pinch!
© 2005 by Sandra Rohr. All rights reserved.
Sandra Rohr, M.A. is a certified Life Purpose Coach and relationship coach, who specializes in helping singles connect with their life partners and in helping couples establish and maintain strong relationships. You may learn more by visiting www.wellspringscoaching.com. Email: Sandy@wellspringscoaching.com
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CALIFORNIA
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Admission: $15
Contact:
Carol Daly at 408-261-3332 Ext. 4 or Carol@RCISV.org
Go to http://rcisv.org/calendar.php for our schedule.
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