Single? Seeking
your life partner? The only book you need:  Includes FREE audio CD |
Knowlege Bank October 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THE COACHES RESPOND:
Marcia responds … At 35 you are far too young to give up on finding the love of your life. You appear to be a well-rounded woman with much to offer. You also have no trouble meeting men. You just don't know how to make a loving, lasting connection with a worthwhile man. You know how to get what you want out of life when you are in 100% control of the situation. Dating requires control of only your half of the courtship. Keep in mind, however, you control 100% of your half. When you chase after what you want with a man, you risk chasing him away altogether. Start protecting your emotions in a way that doesn't require inappropriate use of emotional distance. For example, the men you describe all have emotional distance built right in: married, substance abuse issues, run away when you try to close the distance. You'll attract a keeper when you learn how to protect yourself in a way that allows you to safely open your heart and grow emotionally closer to him. Slow the pace of the courtship so you can see if your new prospect will meet your emotional needs and share in your emotional protection. You must be certain the man in your life cares about you, loves you, wants and is capable of a committed, lasting relationship BEFORE you allow your feelings for him to grow. Wait for emotional intimacy to grow into a committed, loving bond before allowing the relationship to become physically intimate. You'll attract like-mind suitors once you become conscious of protecting your emotions in a productive way. Love and value yourself enough to move slowly through the search and courtship process.
Randy responds … You needn't accept that you will be single (and unhappy) for the rest of your life. Although finding a suitable life partner can be difficult, you can overcome the odds by I suggest that you not date to find a "stable committed relationship" (though that can be in the back of your mind), but date to fill all of your needs. This is what I call "value network dating." The worst that can happen is that you get all your needs fulfilled and feel satisfied with your life. Who knows, maybe one of the people in your value network will ascend to be your life partner!
Mike responds … First off, I understand. No fun. But, there's hope on two fronts:
If you're picky, like we MUST be in today's age of raging dysfunctionality, you likely need to meet HUNDREDS of eligible men (not the marrieds or the dysfunctionals) before you meet those tiny few with whom there's chemistry + compatibility + communication + the other 4 Cs. It may be HIM that has to come around before he's ready to meet YOU. (Relatively few men are relationship-ready! We're all-too-often trained by society to be relationship jerks.) In the meantime, YOU can become as perfectly relationship-ready as possible. Nothing worthwhile comes easy or quick enough. Most importantly, remember that happiness does not come from a car or a job or a house or power or prestige or money or a relationship. Happiness is a technology that must be LEARNED, regardless of our circumstances. Learn to love life as it is, not as some wish or dream out there in the future. This is it! This is life. It doesn't get any better from the outside in. It gets better from the inside out.
Pat responds … As a powerful manifestor, I would ask that you think about how you are thinking. Your results are a big clue. You state that your thoughts sound pessimistic and of course that sets up negative energy and resistance. Be reminded that we choose and create our realities with our very thoughts AND intentions. If you desire to have a life partner, yet you recognize self doubting beliefs or impatience, you create a resistance to flow of divine energy and send out to the universe a scrambled signal which then cancels out the intention. Examine your resistance, clear and release it. Set a pure and specific intention and believe you can. Experience the feeling place as if you already are with your beloved. Act as if he is coming to you now and begin to make a space. Imagine what you are doing together and be in the feeling of that now. These thoughts and feelings set up a different vibration and point of attraction. Lastly, in this moment place your focus on becoming your best and most happy and available. Be open to divine guidance. Trust in the subconscious and divine guidance to guide you each step of the way. Take heart and know that your desire is yours to manifest. Your thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, choices and actions are the very steps to creating your desired life. The most important change is the inner change and state of mind. Examine the beliefs, attitudes and assumptions that stand in the way of you and your relationship that you desire. The key is to first change your relationship with self. Our external realty is always a fitting mirror of our relationship to self. In what ways are you falling in love with and nurturing and supporting yourself? Change relationship to self and the divine and your entire world will begin to change. Happy manifesting!
Peter responds … Diana, consider reflecting on these questions …
Finally, the Law of Attraction says what you focus on and give your energy to, you attract. While the past may have been a challenge, continuing to see yourself as never being in relationship is probably the "reality" you will create. Visualize what you do want, with details, feelings and emotions. Trust, faith and hope are great friends to rely on when it comes to creating what you want. I wish you good fortune on your journey.
FEATURE ARTICLETop Ten Dating Red Flags Red Flag #1: Doesn’t Answer the Phone when You’re Around This can mean either of two things. First, and most obvious, is that the call is from another woman (man) they're involved with. Most people have caller ID on their phones so they know who the incoming call is from. If they usually answer their phone but look at the caller ID number and then don't answer it this time, it's probably from another woman (man). It could also mean that they don't want you to be that involved in their life. They just don't want you to know what's happening with their family or other friends because you're not that important to them. Don't expect to be seeing them for very long. They're just not that in to you.
Red Flag #2: Brings up Marriage too Early You've just started dating a new guy/gal. On the third date, he or she says things like "when we get married" or "I want to spend the rest of my life with you". Should you be flattered? No, you should be scared. Run away. No one can possibly make an intelligent decision about a lifetime partner in a few dates, a few weeks, or even a few months. Anyone who would declare his lifelong commitment so soon is either mouthing the words to get what he wants short term (like sex), or he or she is a co-dependent person. What he is desperate for is the relationship -- not you, the individual. That is neediness, not love.
Red Flag #3: Wants to have Sex too soon in a Relationship Caving in to sex because of pressure from a partner is always a mistake because you’re left wide open to getting hurt. If you rush into sex (perhaps because your partner is sexually infatuated with you) instead of protecting your emotions by waiting, you choose to value your partner more than you value yourself. If you want a loving, committed relationship, first find out if your new flame meets your requirements and fulfills your emotional needs. Give your new romance time to reveal the signs that your partner is protective of your feelings and cares about you. Don’t have sex and then ask, “Where’s this going?” Have a relationship first that leads (or doesn’t lead) to sexual intimacy as the physical reflection of your emotionally protected, intimate relationship.
Red Flag #4: Blames Others When Things Go Wrong Blame is an art form. Pointing fingers and looking "outside", rather than "inside", when facing unpleasant outcomes, is a sign of emotional immaturity and lack of self-responsibility. In relationship, blaming others is a lose-lose equation. The blamer remains defiant, in denial, overtly or passively aggressive and inconsiderate, while the blamed often reacts with guilt, shame, resistance, resentment, confusion, frustration, anger, and/or isolation. Blame is a red flag, devoid of genuine understanding and the real working through of conflict resolution. It signals that a person is relating as a victim and a child, challenged by feeling helpless, fearful and out of control. Blame is a red flag demanding a white flag of surrender from another. The "blame game" has no winner; only losers.
Red Flag #5: Spends an Inordinate Amount of Time on Friends, Hobbies, Sports, Shopping, or Work! Obsessive do-ing is a red flag communicating a conscious or unconscious fear of being alone with one's self. The inordinate need to be engaged in activity fills a "hole of emptiness". Obsessive do-ing often reflects a lack of value and self-esteem. It is a fear of getting to know one's self, resulting in an insatiable neediness or co-dependence on "outside" activities to gain a false sense of belonging, importance or self-worth. In a relationship, an obsessive focus on do-ing results in a lack of quality time, quiet time, alone time, and time for rest, reflection, relaxation, recharge and renewal. This obsessively active individual may experience periods of burnout, fatigue, "fogginess", and irritability due to depleted energy. The bottom line — this red flag reads: "no intimate time for you/us."
Red Flag #6: Says “I Love You” too Early in the Relationship John was 35, divorced one year and had met someone he really liked. After six weeks, she told him she loved him. He wasn't ready and felt he didn't know her well enough. He interpreted the declaration of love so early in the relationship as a negative and thought she was too eager and needy. He wanted someone who felt grounded from within, someone who could allow a relationship to evolve. If you are comfortable with yourself, allowing a relationship to progress slowly, over time, you will feel fine. If there's a need for things to happen faster, take a look at where you are coming from inside. Become more conscious about yourself. Becoming friends, building trust and having fun, over time, is important to building a healthy love relationship.
Red Flag #7: Continually Shows Up Late for Dates Everyone gets to be late every now and then. That's life. When someone shows up habitually late, that's not life. That's character. It's also arrogance. What this person is telling you is that they believe their time and convenience is more important than your time, convenience, and feelings. I believe the solution is to become unavailable for waiting, past a very few minutes. Becoming no longer available for something is another way of setting a boundary. I'll even give you the words - "I've noticed that you are often late for our times together. What can we do to solve this, because from now on I am no longer willing to wait around."
Red Flag #8: Says One Thing, but Does Something Else One of the main principles that has helped me through all of these years of working with people is this: "Does the person's behavior match their words?" If the behavior of a person matches the words of the person, then there are grounds for trusting this person. If the behavior does not match the words, consistently over time, then those are strong grounds for not trusting someone. The key phrase here is "consistent over time." Most folks who say one thing, but do something else are also gifted at making excuses -- another reason not to trust them. If you do not and cannot trust someone, what do you really have, besides potential heartache?
Red Flag #9: Mistreats People in Social Situations You've met someone new. He's considerate and polite to you. But when you go out together, it's like Jekyll and Hyde. He's hostile and aggressive at the football game. He waves vulgarities at other drivers. And, he belittles wait staff for even the slightest goof. What does that tell you? His underlying personality is probably angry, hostile, and condescending. He's just on his best behavior to win you over. He's a phony. As soon as you are a couple, he won't need to impress you anymore. He'll relax and treat you just as poorly as he does everyone else. You don't have to put up with that. Rudeness to others will become rudeness to you. Recognize this as a dating red flag and keep looking.
Red Flag #10: Danger! Quick Temper Have you been burned by dating someone who is quick to get angry? It’s not fun to be in a relationship with a pressure cooker that could scald you whenever they need to let off steam. If you want to avoid bringing in the anger management rescue squad into your relationship, here is a tip for spotting the quick temper red flag: Pay attention to how easily irritated a person gets. Going on a casual drive is a great way to check this out. For instance, if you’re out on a date and the other person who is driving suddenly gets cut off, notice if you see a stream of cuss words. If they are easily irritated, buyer beware!
© 2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. |
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