Single? Seeking
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Knowlege Bank September 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THE COACHES RESPOND:Marcia responds … I suggest you meet and screen your prospects via internet dating sites. Online, you won’t be subjected to the sting of rejection from women who pass on your ad because of your employment status. You can mention your limited budget during the screening process that takes place by email from women who respond to your ad. Be sure to mention what you do have to offer, for example: available for hikes with you and your dog, a great cook, gives wonderful backrubs, lots of company and fun to have around, good listener. Given what you’ve said about Michigan’s high unemployment rate, there may be plenty of women who understand your situation.
Janice responds … You say you want to date to have a social life. This goal is different from dating to find a life partner. Consequently, it will be important to engage in "truth in advertising" while dating. Be clear when presenting yourself as wanting to date for "recreational" reasons, both in your online dating profile and in what you tell your relatives and friends who will introduce you to women. That being said, you might want to determine whether or not you've fallen into the "marketing trap," a dating trap where "you believe you need to make yourself more appealing to attract a partner by 'selling' yourself with attractive packaging and presentation." I suggest when you begin dating a woman, don't share right away you are unemployed. Instead, show yourself in a positive light – that you are ambitious and have known financial success. The women you date should know you are energetically pursuing your livelihood and that it, like life, has its ups and downs. I’m sure you’ve heard stories about men who had good, secure incomes, but life intervened and they were either laid off or suffered from unforeseen dips in the economy. Or they had been promoted to a big office on the 64th floor of the World Trade Center and, well . . . you know the rest of that story. Good luck!
Mike responds … It may be good to consider pouring 100% of your energies into locating your next career opportunity prior to dating. 1. The gals you date are likely to consider you "in transition," meaning they won't know what you'll really be like once you work again, especially since you got divorced and laid off at nearly the same time. 2. They don't even really know if you're telling the truth. They cannot rule out the possibility that you're unemployable or unwilling to work. 3. A relationship will take much of the energy you WOULD have spent in job-hunting, thereby possibly PROLONGING the time until you are again employed. 4. The more time you spend "recovering" from your many year marriage (given two grown children), the more likely you'll be emotionally healthy (most aren't.) 5. She'll respect you even more down the road when your answer to the question, "Why haven't you been dating?" is "I wanted to restore career stability to my life prior to jumping into exploring something as important as a relationship." Best of luck ... She'll be worth the wait! And so will you :)
Sandra responds ... I understand just how much of a blow to self-esteem joblessness can be, and you are to be commended for the inner work that you have done that allows you to reconsider your "inability" to have a social life. Absolutely you should begin to date again. Everyone needs a social life, and dating adds a special note of joy that can carry over to other aspects of your life—even job-hunting. A few successful dates will also confirm your thoughts that you can date, job or not. It is true there are many women who are caught up in what their dates do for a living, but there are also many who don’t consider that important. I suggest that you be upfront with a woman as you get to know her and let her know that, although you are most interested in dating her, your dates will need to be of the inexpensive or free kind. You may be able to find women who would be glad to share the cost of dating or to host you for dinner if you bring a video. In addition, her reaction will give you an idea of how she might handle similar difficulties in a committed relationship. Search out fun dates that fit into your budget. Also, I recommend you invest in the book Cheap Dates: Fun, Creative, and Romantic Dates That Won’t Break Your Budget by Steven C. Smith. Focus on being a thoughtful, appreciative dating partner; these qualities are cost-free and earn you big bonus points. So go for it, and have fun!
Nan responds ... There certainly are people who define and judge themselves and others by their work, their positions and how much money they make. There are others for whom title and income are merely a part of a person’s make-up. They place higher importance on values, attitudes and behaviors than on wealth. Think about the qualities and values those humanitarians possess, and where you might find them. It’s likely they would seek to improve others’ quality life by either working or volunteering for charitable organizations and/or within their community. They are advocates for the disadvantaged. They are understanding and authentic. Find a cause or issue that is meaningful to you, and become a volunteer yourself. You may learn new skills as part of a volunteer training program, which you can use to your advantage in your job search. You’ll meet new people and potential new friends among those whose first priority is not your income level. If you find someone you want to date, you can find experiences that are both meaningful and fun, but not expensive (walking dogs for the Humane Society, picking up litter in the parks, shoveling snow for seniors, etc.). Someone who understands and accepts your financial position would likely want share dating expenses and not make expensive demands or have unreasonable expectations.Even if you don’t find someone suitable to date, by volunteering you will feel fulfilled and have greater self-confidence.
Neera responds … It's not so much about whether or not you can date while unemployed, rather how confident you feel about yourself to pursue dating while unemployed. I've seen a lot of guys facing unemployment here in Silicon Valley, and know from working with them that it can be real blow to the ego. Relationships sometimes get pushed to the side when you are feeling bad about being unemployed. It's not just you, rather many men who feel this way when facing unemployment. This is a time to really focus on yourself. What do you want in your life? What kind of work will make you happy? What specific steps do you need to take for you to get there? When you develop that belief in yourself again, you will attract dating partners like a magnet. In the long run, the person you want to attract into your life will be with you through thick and thin- including down turns in your work life. The unemployment is covering up the real issue- the need for you to slow down and take time to develop the belief in yourself and confidence that you will find your ideal career path. Once you take time out to address this, the dating- with supportive people- will naturally follow.
Peter responds … Regardless of one's state in life, I always suggest authenticity; tell the truth. That is, be who you are, no excuses when you interact with possible partners. Come from your heart, not your head. Second, all things are possible as long as one does not allow doubt and fear to get in the way. Your feeling you are "not together enough" is a belief you've taken on from your Inner Judge and Critic, but that's not the Truth of who you really are. Third, keep in mind the Law of Attraction, i.e., if you believe everyone is caught up in money and status, then those are the folks you will meet. There's no reason to give up dating because you're unemployed; there is, however, a good reason to give up the doubt and fear. They don't serve you. Perhaps one way to approach dating is by seeing your self "out there" as a wonderful, bright, talented, loving, giving human being who is, by the way at this time, unemployed. Set your intention to attract another who is free and alive and unencumbered by another's packaging or trappings. That person is there...also looking for you. Perhaps that can be your focus. I wish you much good fortune on your journey.
FEATURE ARTICLECreating a Support Community The most common lament I hear from today's singles is their difficulty meeting potential partners. This problem did not occur in past generations when we lived and worked in a community of family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers, all of who would typically help introduce singles to each other. Without this support system, today's singles increasingly rely upon dating services and personal ads to solve the problem of meeting potential partners, and then wonder why they have so little in common with the people they meet through these services. Want to find your life partner? Expand your meaningful relationships! If you are becoming frustrated in finding potential partners, remember that relationships are about connection, and start by asking yourself how you can improve the quality and quantity of ALL your relationships. Isolated singles often find each other and become isolated couples. When they have children, they become isolated families. Whether the family remains intact or not, the legacy of isolation continues. If relationships survive and thrive in community, they tend to shrivel and die in isolation. Could this contribute to the high failure rate of relationships today? Without a built-in community, today's singles must intentionally create their own support system. While most singles have friends and family, this is not a large enough support community. Building a network of close, mutually beneficial relationships requires time, effort, and intention. In today's society, the closest example of this kind of support system is the community that exists in most church or temple environments. Characteristics include:
A community with the above characteristics can be found or created outside of religious institutions. It can be as close as on your block or in your neighborhood. The members of a community contribute what they can and receive the support they need. A single male member of the community might volunteer to fix the plumbing of an elderly female member, who happens to think of a friend of her granddaughter that might be good for him to meet. Only in a community does this kind of spontaneous, mutually supportive relationship develop. So, where can singles meet potential partners? In my experience the singles asking this question are too isolated in their everyday life, and need to first focus on building their community before finding a partner. How can singles build a community for themselves? Here are some suggestions:
A great relationship is brought together by, and thrives in community. By deepening your connection with others and expanding the circle of people you connect with, you improve the quality of your life and relationships. You can then allow your community to support you in finding and having a successful life partnership.
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