Knowlege Bank

August 2005

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:: Dating Skills: What's Missing?

"I just took your Relationship Readiness Quiz, and I scored ready and raring to go on everything except one: Since I am not dating , and have not dated, since my divorce 7 years ago, I conclude I have no dating skills. I have a good social life, meet plenty of people, including men, but not single men, or not men who seem interested in dating me. It would be fun just to date, like you recommended in my quiz evaluation. That is the one thing I don't know how to do! What am I missing?"

Sophia in Seattle

THE COACHES RESPOND:

Alan responds …

From what you write, I sense two things going on here:

First, you have not dated since before your marriage some years ago. Could that mean that your social network is made up of marrieds and otherwise unavailable males? The answer could be to go where the (single and available) men are. A relationship coach could be a big help as you work up a plan to scout for compatible men to date.

Second, who in your world really knows your current status of "single and available for dating?" Probably fewer people than you think. Acquaintances are busy with their own lives. If you want your network of friends, family, and colleagues to know that you're available, you'll have to tell them. It is not unseemly to tell the world that you are dating material. This is marketing and you are the product. Go for it!

Alan Stafford, Relationship Coach www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com
alan@relationshipsuccessexperts.com | (704)795-9596

Lois responds …

First things first. I think it's important to make a distinction between having no dating skills and just not having put yourself in the dating pool. "Dating skills" are really people skills. The volume on the "high stakes channel" is just tuned up a few notches due to your history, and thus, your vulnerability.

My guess is that if you're really having a great time socializing and are comfortable with men, then actually you have all the dating skills you need. What I think is important is to intentionally put yourself in situations to meet men who resonate with your requirements as well as your needs (wants are always nice, too!). I'd suggest the following steps:

1) Go to your requirements/needs list and brainstorm with safe trusting friends, looking at venues or people in your life that may be available/interested in creating an entree to meet men.

2) Make it an adventure, see yourself on this wonderful journey where magic and synchronicity are neighbors.

3) Really affirm what skills you do have. After all, all relationships are built on friendships. Look at any old beliefs that may be stopping you, i.e. I only meet men who are not interested in me, etc. and look to turn them around via affirmation, checking in with thoughts, etc.

Hopefully this is helpful. Don't give up 5 minutes before the relationship miracle. I didn't, and that allowed me to meet my life partner.

Lois Barth | Certified Life Coach/Writer/Massage Therapist
gggprod@nyc.rr.com | 212.682.5225

Sandra responds ..

I’m so glad you asked! I was in exactly that position 7 years ago; I had been widowed for 5 years and had not had a single date in all that time. I was sure that that part of my life was over; even worse, my social life was not as good as yours seems to be. So what to do?

First, tell everyone you know that you are now ready to date. Ask all your friends if they know anyone who is single with whom they would be willing to set you up. When you do meet single men in a social setting, you might consider asking them out—perhaps for a cup of coffee.

Many men are so shy that they have difficulty initiating the date, and they would be flattered to be asked. And since you are only looking to date at this point, so what if he’s not exactly your dreamboat? I am not suggesting that you date anyone who is a real turn-off or who makes you uncomfortable in any way, but think about asking the guy who’s like your brother—no bells chiming, but someone nice. This will give you the opportunity to get back into circulation, and the two of you can become support system for each other. And a big bonus here: this will give you the opportunity to practice your dating skills. Keep this level of dating very low-key, so that there are no expectations attached to it.

When I first began to date again, I was shy and awkward; men were an enigma to me. In the last 7 years, I have dated many men and have even had several relationships, with the result that I am much more comfortable on the dating scene now, although I don’t claim to know everything about men—that would surely take several lifetimes! (And there are several men with whom I go out, all of whom will never, but never, be the love of my life, but we fill important spaces for each other.)

I would also suggest that you consider using one of the internet dating sites to meet singles in your area; I made use of these, and I have met many men who are just like me: lonely and not meeting suitable people in their everyday world. See the accompanying article for more information about preparing a profile to post online.

Finally, although perhaps this should be first, you might consider brushing up on your overall people skills. Consider asking your coach, if you are working with one, or a trusted relative or friend for input regarding your approach to people. We can all use a brush-up on our people skills from time to time, and this might just be your time to do so. Best of luck to you as you begin this new phase! Enjoy!

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching | 714.774.8540

Tara responds ..

You mentioned that you have a good social life and that is a great start to a good dating life! I have a couple of suggestions to consider. First, if you are interested in dating, let people know. While some of the men you meet might not be interested or available for dating, let them know that you are single because they may know someone they can introduce to you. If you’re comfortable with the idea, you can enroll your friends and family to help you find eligible men to meet as well.

My second suggestion is to do some research in your local community to find out about singles groups. The best place to find singles are at singles-only venues. These are clubs, activities, and programs that cater specifically to single men and women. Typically, there is a social section in the newspaper that lists all the various happenings for the upcoming week or month. You might also inquire at your place of worship or others in your area as many have singles groups that host interesting programs and activities for singles of all ages. Finally, there are dating services and dating groups that set up dates for a fee. As for the dating skills, start with the basics – be warm and friendly, wear a smile, and be genuine with the people you meet.

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
248.723.1926

FEATURE ARTICLE

Setting Your Sights on a Site: How to Post a Winning Profile to a Dating Site: by Sandra Rohr, M.A.

So you’ve decided to post your profile to a website. But you’re a wee bit apprehensive. The last time you did any writing was in high school or college, and you hated writing then. So how do you start? How will you know when you’re finished? And what if you put your profile out there, and no one responds?

Fear no more! I am here to help you, and am I qualified! I have been internet dating for seven years, with my profile evolving through several manifestations. And, I have read—literally—thousands of profiles. Furthermore, I was an English teacher in a former life, so I can give you suggestions about the writing itself. So take a deep breath, relax, and let’s get started. Doing this takes some planning and it can be a fair amount of work—you should plan on taking several days to finish. But, it really isn’t all that hard if you just take it one step at a time. If you follow the suggestions below, you are practically guaranteed to get positive responses!

Step One: Browse and Learn

Your first step is to browse through several dating sites, just to see how they work. Most of them will allow you to sign up for free and to look at profiles until you are ready to plunk down your dollars. So choose a few. I recommend www.match.com and www.Udate.com to start, although there are literally hundreds to choose from.

You will be asked to register with a screen name and indicate your gender as well as the kind of person for whom you are looking. For your first visit, choose just any old name and register as the opposite sex so that you
can read profiles of your own sex and get an idea of what others are doing.

You will see examples of both good and bad profiles—more bad than good, unfortunately. You may wish to print out some of the better ones to use as models. You will also learn that most of the people on the net are just like you: lonely and looking to make a connection.

Step Two: The Easy Stuff

Choose a website that allows you to write your own descriptive narrative that describes yourself and who you are looking for. It’s true that it’s easier to just click buttons from pre-written short statements, but these statements do not give a complete picture of you. I find that in my own searching, I pay serious attention both to what a man (but this also applies to the other gender!) says in his profile and to how he says it. More about this later.
Choose a dating site that is reasonably priced. Most fall in the $15 to $20 per month range, and my experience is that it’s just not a good value to pay more than that, no matter what the site promises.
Choose a site that has the most members to pick from. There are sites that are geared toward specific narrow interests, but generally, they have too few members to allow you to make that connection that you desire. According to the L.A. Times, the largest site is Yahoo Personals, while the second largest is Match.
Most sites have sections in which you pick from pre-written responses to various concerns, such as whether or not you smoke, your marital status (if you’re only separated, do us all a favor and wait until your divorce is final!), your drinking habits, political affiliation, religious beliefs, etc. This section is easy enough to complete and will generally take from 15 to 30 minutes. And some dating sites stop with that. Avoid these sites. Even though it takes more time and effort, it is worthwhile to write that narrative.
One caution: Be totally honest. There is no point in claiming that you earn $150,000 a year, if you don’t. There is no point in claiming that you are younger than you are. There is no point in claiming anything that is not true; at some point, you will meet someone, and then the truth will come out.

Step Three: The Challenging (But Not Impossible!) Part—Writing Your Narrative

First, compose your narrative in a word document and transfer it to the site later. There are good reasons for this, such as allowing you to spend time thinking about what you want to say and making it easy for you to make changes. Your word processing program will also catch grammar errors and spelling errors. Does this matter? You bet your life it does! Posting a profile with grammatical errors in it is like showing up for a first date unshaven, unshowered, and wearing an undershirt and flip-flops. Not a great first impression. Also, don’t compose your narrative in all caps; that comes across as shouting. It further gives the impression that you don’t know how and when to capitalize.
Begin by giving pertinent information about yourself. I am assuming that you have been working with a relationship coach to do this necessary work of self-examination; if not, you should seriously consider doing so before posting a profile. This will greatly increase your chances of making a connection that will succeed!.

Do not open your narrative with such useless comments as, “Let’s see now, where do I begin. I really hate doing this, don’t you?" This sort of lead-in shows you as unimaginative and, dare I say, boring? Start right in with “I am __________,” and go from there. An example: “I am a worldly, educated, multifaceted, and multi-linguistic individual.” Or, “I am a loving, caring, giving, honest, and loyal man. I love to ___________.” What are your passions in life? What do you love? What do you dream of? In short, go to your Life Vision Statement; use the work you have been doing as a resource.

Avoid saying, “My friends say that I _______.” Just tell it. Be straightforward. Also avoid negativity. Such comments as “If you are fat and ugly, don’t bother writing to me” only serve to show you as insensitive and critical. Write about 10 sentences that tell who you are. Remember, you want the person who reads your profile to be intrigued enough to send you an email.

* A little flirting is more than okay! But do avoid including anything offensive; again, you want to present the best you possible. You might consider using a favorite quotation or poem that gives a sense of who you are and what you love. Some people also use poems of their own.
Next, you will need to write a description of the person whom you seek. Again, be straightforward, and using your Life Vision Statement, begin with something like, “My ideal match would be ___________.” Then list your absolute requirements. An example: “I want to meet a man who has a sense of the world and an affinity for adventure. A man who’s comfortable with all the stations of life, who doesn’t need to be pampered, but loves it when his woman makes him feel like a king.” Write at least 5 sentences. See how easy that is?
This next step is really important: Print out your narratives, and have several friends or family members read them and give you feedback regarding the content. Do they find that what you’ve written is an accurate depiction of you? Do they find that it’s appealing, and would they respond to it if they read it on a dating site? It’s also a definite plus if one of your readers is someone who writes well and can comment on that aspect of what you have written. Then make such changes as are necessary.
Now that your narratives are written, you are ready to post them to the website. Here’s where you cut and paste (be sure that you keep the originals in a file so that it’s easy for you to make changes in the future). When you post your narratives, you will also be asked to write a headline. Now that you have done so much work on your narrative, you should be able to compose something catchy that relates to its content. Avoid such trite headlines as “Man Looking for Woman.” You might also consider using a line of poetry or a short quotation as your headline. Ask yourself if you would be taken with what you write. Now take another deep breath, and give yourself a round of applause; you’re nearly done.

Step Four: Finishing Touches

With your profile written, edited, revised and posted on the website, you have one last step: Post at least one photo—three or more would be a plus. It’s absolutely true that profiles with photos get far more responses than those without. So what are the photo rules?

First, remember that your photo is your only chance to make a good first visual impression, so it should be flattering. It is not necessary, nor is it desirable, to get a glamour photo; while your photo should flatter you, it should also look like you. If you have a recent snapshot that conforms to the following standards, use it; if not, get a roll of film and a good camera—or make use of that new digital—and have a friend take multiple shots of you. Wash and style your hair (a haircut is not a bad idea if it’s been a while!). If you normally wear makeup, do so for your photo. Dress attractively.

In short, prepare for your photo as you would for a blind date. You should have at least one photo that is a close-up of your face, and you should not be wearing sunglasses. Remember to smile; no one wants a sourpuss! Avoid “cute” tricks, such as using a photo of a historical character or using a photo of yourself as a child or using a photo of your pet (if you post more than one photo, including a pet with you in a secondary shot is fine, but the emphasis should always be on you).

Now follow the directions on the dating site for uploading your photo, sit back, and enjoy the sense of a job well-done! And, enjoy the connections you make!

© 2005 by Sandra Rohr
Sandra Rohr, M.A. is a certified Life Purpose Coach and relationship coach, who specializes in helping singles connect with their life partners and helps couples establish and maintain strong relationships. She can be contacted at Sandy@wellspringscoaching.com or at 714.774.8540. www.wellspringscoaching.com

Bonus Article

What Do You Want to Know ... About Your Date?: An Interview with Dinah Temple

Dinah Temple, in her book Picking Up the Pieces: A Guide to Recovery from Betrayal and a Broken Heart, offers singles some advice on getting to know their potential life partner.

Tara: What would you suggest to singles to make it easier to find their life partner?

Dinah: In order to narrow your search for the perfect partner, consider making a list of all the qualities you are looking for in a partner. Focus especially on characteristics you have previously compromised--you know -- the ones you are no longer willing to negotiate. After all, you wouldn't settle for eating a peach when you really want a kiwi right?

Tara: What’s the best way to do that? How should someone get started?

Dinah: Make up a list of questions you need answered to really get to know someone. List things you want your potential partner to know about you. Don't forget important deal breaker information that may make them run for the hills or, perhaps, make them like you even more for your convictions.

Tara: What types of questions would you suggest?

Dinah: Here’s a list to start with. I would also suggest that you are prepared to answer these questions when asked as well. Add or delete questions as they pertain to your comfort level and lifestyle.

How many times have you been married? What happened?
Do you still get along? Any chance of reconciliation?
How many serious relationships have you had in the last 5 years? What happened?
Describe your personality.
What do you want most out of life?
Describe a typical weekday and weekend for you.
What are your favorite kinds of music, TV, movies, food etc.?
What are your hobbies?
What kind of education do you have?
What kinds of jobs have you had? What do you do for a living now?
Do you live in an apartment or a house? Renting or buying?
What kind of sports do you like?
What's the craziest thing you've ever done?
What's the craziest thing you still want to do?
What do you do to have fun?
What's the most romantic thing you've ever done?
What's the most romantic thing ever done for you?
Describe your perfect mate.
Do you have any children? Where do they live? How old are they?
Why do you think someone should be attracted to you?
What are your good qualities? What's not so good about you?
How do you feel about drinking, smoking, and drugs?
How do you feel about sex?
What are your talents?
Describe your perfect first, second and third date.
How do you think dating is supposed to go now?
What turns you on? What turns you off?
How is your health? Are you on any medications? For what?
Tell me about your family.
What is your religious background?
What are your views on honesty and fidelity?
Have you ever been cheated on?
Have you ever cheated on someone? Why?
Do you think marriage and the vows are outdated?
Why is it so hard for some people to stay monogamous?

Tara: Dinah, do you have any final advice when it comes to asking questions of a potential partner?

Dinah: Don't go right down the list of questions when you meet someone for the first time. However, it would be wise to slip at least some of these questions into each conversation. And, don’t stop until they are all answered to your satisfaction. And, do not accept a date with anyone until you feel comfortable with the answers.

Whatever list you create, it should be flexible, except for your non-negotiable items, of course. You will need to compromise on some things because no one is perfect, as you know. But the right person is worth small compromises. Keep in mind that your future mate will have a mental list of his or her own that will no doubt need to be compromised.

Dinah Temple is a relationship coach, author and speaker. She can be contacted at 804.520.0045 or at contact@mattersoflove.com. Her website is http://www.mattersoflove.com