Single? Seeking
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Knowlege Bank May 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: Barbara responds … Depends upon what your relationship goals are! You ask about having sex with someone you're "dating and getting to know". I encourage you to realize that having sex usually interferes with truly 'getting to know' someone. When sexual experiences come into the relationship, "red flags" are more likely to be overlooked, rationalized or denied altogether. Have you heard the saying that "If love is blind, then sex is the blindfold"? If you want to experience sexual partners, you don't need anyone's approval or disapproval, do you? That's a choice that adults are free to make. However, if you really want to get to know someone, I encourage you to consider waiting to bring sex into the relationship until you really begin to know the other person.
Mike responds … Assuming you have no hesitations of faith or conscience, whatsoever (because if you violate your conscience early in the relationship, you will be building an early habit / behavior pattern of doing things in the relationship you may have misgivings about -- a terrible start to a relationship), the only issue I'd suggest you consider is this: Most women, once having engaged in the highly-fulfilling / deeply engaging act of lovemaking with a man, tend to become much more emotionally attached to that man. The potential downside to premature emotional attachment in a relationship is that they then may overlook behaviors which might (in a more sober relationship) be rightfully interpreted as "red flags." At the VERY least, make sure you are surrounded by trusted confidants to help you see in him and the relationship those things you may be blinded to. You undoubtedly know the potential UPSIDE (advantage/benefit) of rich lovemaking (as we all do.) Are you also able to clearly articulate the potential DOWNSIDES? If not, you will not be taking a calculated risk ... merely a significant one. Blessings on your budding relationship !
Dinah responds ... Regardless of who you are, what you look like, whether you are male or female, you can find someone to have sex with, any day of the week. It may not be good, safe or satisfying but you can have it. The question is, do you want sex or do you want something more? Let’s face it. Who really wants a long-term relationship with someone who respects himself or herself so little that they will have sex on the first, second, third or even fourth date? Contrary to popular belief, waiting and building anticipation before sex is a huge turn on. Not only that but it gives both parties time to get to know if there are any other connections being made. The ideal dating scenario is one where there is a connection on the intellectual, emotional, moral and spiritual level before a physical connection is made. Having sex before achieving love is like buying a Mercedes steering wheel without buying the car. Dinah Temple Randy responds ... Sex is an important part of a love relationship. You will need to know your potential partner sexually before you can make a genuine commitment. This is best done as part of the dating process, because it is messier to end the relationship after marriage if it turns out you are sexually incompatible. The best love relationships are among partners who are experienced sexually. They know that sex is experimental, playful, emotional, and communicative. They exhibit that themselves and they want that in their partner. The best way to find out is to make love, joyfully and often! There are other ways, but they entail more risk of ultimate failure, and in my opinion it is better to minimize the risk if at all possible.
Sandra responds .. When—and whether or not— to enter into a sexual relationship with someone you are dating is a decision that only you (and your potential partner, of course!) can make. This is a decision that should be made consciously; it should be based on far more than low lights, warm feelings, and close proximity, as wonderful as these are. The first of several steps to take before making this decision is to define and clarify your vision for the life you want. This includes exploring your personal values, life purpose, and your requirements, needs, and wants in a partner. Your personal values are the essence of who you are, not what you think you should be or what someone else thinks you should be. Your life purpose is a statement of both your being and of your doing; in other words, who are you and why are you here in this life? Armed with this knowledge, you are ready to determine your non-negotiable, bottom-line requirements in a partner—those essentials that, not met, are a deal-breaker. You are also able to determine your needs, which are negotiable, and your wants, which are the “nice-to-haves.” Now you are ready to create a conscious dating plan, in which you determine how you will relate to the people whom you are considering as potential partners. This plan includes when to enter into a sexual relationship. It is true that doing all this requires a lot of effort, but the pain of a failed relationship makes the effort worthwhile, and a relationship coach can help you with your explorations. Finally, the decision to become sexually involved is a decision that should be made in concert with the person you are dating; at no time should either partner simply use the other or make false promises. Also be sure that you enter a sexual relationship responsibly, using adequate protection to avoid unwanted pregnancy or the transmission of sexual diseases. This is a good time to remember the Golden Rule!
Janice responds .. Singles say they want to see if they are compatible with the person they're dating. But you can be compatible with someone on different levels -- intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, sharing similar life paths, as well as sexually. Experiencing sexual chemistry while dating is actually a paradox -- while it’s obviously desirable, chemistry can also be a distraction preventing you from adequately evaluating if the person you're dating has the potential of being a good partner. But sex is like "superglue" -- it’s easy to get stuck, yet extremely difficult to get unstuck. Acting on your sexual feelings in the beginning of a relationship can distort your ability to gather the information you need to determine the more important intellectual, emotional or life path compatibilities. So even though you might "learn" a lot about someone in the bedroom, it won't be with the same objectivity if you had kept your clothes on. And besides, being sexually compatible doesn't guarantee that you'll have a successful long-term relationship, or even a hot sex life, in the future. If you're looking for a loving and committed relationship that lasts, then I suggest that you channel your experience of physical chemistry into consciously learning more about your dating partner. See if you share similar life paths and goals, can communicate with each other effectively, and if s/he meets your relationship requirements and needs. This kind of learning is best accomplished out of the bedroom by spending your time together asking questions, listening to answers, and paying attention to behaviors. Delaying sex until after you've built this foundation can enhance your relationship, rather than be the glue.
Marcia responds .. Don't have sex simply because you're caving in to temptation or assuming things will work out because you "really like each other." Let your physical intimacy match the depth of your emotional intimacy. If you want a long-term, loving relationship, then move slowly and give that relationship time to develop. If you don't receive the loving bond you're seeking, then you'll be happy you moved on before you bonded yourself sexually to the wrong person. If you want to marry your Mr. or Ms. Right, someone who will "love, honor and cherish" you, then love, honor and cherish yourself by becoming selective about whom you share yourself with.
FEATURE ARTICLEReady for a Relationship? REALLY?
Are YOU ready for a relationship? Because your desire to be in a loving relationship is often so deep and strong, it takes courage and awareness to ask yourself: Am I really READY for a relationship? You may feel impatient that the relationship of your dreams has not yet materialized. Any suggestion that you might have to wait even longer, may be difficult to entertain. However, the reality is that many singles may WANT a relationship without really having their lives and their emotions READY to attract and support one. I often see this in my coaching work and I experienced it, myself as a single person. Many people come to coaching impatient that Mr. or Ms. Right hasn’t shown up yet. “What is the hold-up?” they wonder. “Why isn’t it happening for me?”
If you haven’t found the relationship you desire, perhaps there is another reason. Rather than assume something is wrong (with you OR the universe), it may be more helpful to consider that perhaps you’re not READY for the relationship you desire. And the fact that it hasn’t occurred, is simply a reflection of your current level of readiness. When I was single, I remember how liberating it was for me to let go of my insistence that I was ready for a relationship. This paved the way for a huge shift in perspective. Up until then, I was certain that I was ready. I had done many things to prepare myself. I had ended a long-standing entanglement. I’d let go of those “fall-back” relationships with men that I knew weren’t really right for me. I had decided I wouldn’t get involved with anyone that wasn’t a potential partner – no more dead-end flings. Surely I was READY! Yet Mr. Right had not materialized. I was frustrated and bewildered. Then it dawned on me that I might have it all backward. Maybe I’d know I was ready when I was actually IN the relationship. And, if I wasn’t yet IN the relationship, perhaps that was a sign that I wasn’t yet ready! What a thought! This perspective gave me a lot of freedom. Instead of bemoaning the fact that my partner hadn’t shown up, GETTING READY became the focus. At first I wasn’t sure what more was needed to be ready. However, I was now open to looking. I became receptive to seeing what further changes I might want to make in my life and I got to work on those. (Improving my financial situation was what showed up for me to focus on. I realized that if I wanted to ATTRACT a financially prosperous and responsible partner, then I’d better make sure that I was BEING the kind of financially responsible person I wanted to attract.) It wasn’t long after this shift in focus and action, that my soon-to-be husband appeared in my life. Only then, did I conclude that I was READY! So if you’re impatiently waiting or searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right, you may find it uplifting to shift your focus to GETTING READY. Think about the type of person you would like to attract and look to see if you are BEING that kind of person. If you’re not, then you can get to work on whatever areas of your life need improvement. (Your career? Your health? Your friendships? Your attitudes?) Once you’ve identified the ways that you could improve your readiness for relationship, you have a blueprint for taking action. And as you take positive action in your life, you will become MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE in the process!
Bonus ArticleSix Signs it’s Too Early for Your New Romance to Become Sexual Moving forward with sexual intimacy before you've reached a certain level of emotional intimacy puts you at risk for possible relationship failure. Becoming sexual before you’re emotionally ready means you gamble that your partner’s attitude toward your desirability as a lifelong partner isn’t adversely affected. It means you may be treated as a stopping point on the way to marriage, and not as a marriage partner. I don't recommend gambling here. Choosing a partner, whether for sex or forever, should never rely on a careless, poorly thought-out gamble. Here are six major pitfalls of becoming sexual too soon: #1 You’re assuming you’ve met your Mr. or Ms. Right. You’re acting upon assumptions without taking the time to discover whether they’re true or not. You’ve drawn these conclusions by assuming:
#2 You don’t have a commitment and are afraid to talk about it. If you’re afraid to bare your heart to your partner, you should also be afraid to bare your body. Make sure emotional intimacy and commitment are there before becoming physically intimate. #3 You haven’t discussed safe sex or any sexual illnesses either of you may have. If you don’t discover whether your new flame has a sexually transmitted disease because you’re too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask, you’ll really find out what embarrassment and discomfort are once you contract a disease. Don’t hope or assume your sexual partner is healthy – ask. If you don’t, you may pay the price with your own sexual health long after your relationship has ended. #4 You haven’t talked about which form of birth control to use or what you would do about a pregnancy. If you don’t discuss birth control, the two of you may end up discussing what to do with an unplanned pregnancy, so you might as well have the discussion while you still have control over the outcome of your actions. A quality person will respect and admire your caution. Be certain that you both understand the serious nature of a sexual relationship. If either one of you is uncomfortable having these discussions, then you’re not at the level where you can manage the intimacy of marriage. #5 Alcohol or recreational drugs play a part in your courtship. Alcohol abuse and recreational drugs impair your judgment. Would you prefer to choose a partner through your own good judgment, or because you were under the influence? What’s called partying in your twenties and thirties can easily morph into problematic alcoholism or drug addiction after you’re married. Choosing a sexual partner when you don’t have your wits about you invites disappointment, failure, and heartache into your life. #6 Your partner isn’t a part of your emotional protection. If you become sexually intimate without a monogamy commitment, you leave yourself completely unprotected and wide open to getting hurt. Look for signs that the one you wish to be intimate with is protective of you and wants a monogamous, committed future with you. That might mean a verbal discussion that you two are exclusive, or waiting until you’re married before becoming sexual, or whatever it takes to find the level of emotional protection you need to feel safe and be sure you are both on the same level. Don’t have sex and then ask, “Where’s this going?” Have a relationship first that leads (or doesn’t lead) to sexual intimacy as the physical expression of your emotional relationship.
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