Single? Seeking
your life partner? The only book you need:  Includes FREE audio CD |
Knowlege Bank June 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: Mike responds … A romantic relationship is in no way a requirement for a life of healthy happiness, peace and joy. Though it is relatively RARE for single adults to be completely (and genuinely, without kidding themselves) fulfilled with the single life, there is nothing unhealthy, inappropriate or wrong about it. Taking a faith perspective, I'd propose that God created us complete (in His own image) as human beings. There's merely, for most of us, a deep desire for the "bonus" richness of a mate with whom to share the joys and sorrows, highs and lows of this life (to say nothing of the riches of romance :)). If you are confident that your joy in singleness is deep, real and genuine, and not merely a result of your having become accustomed to life alone, or an attempt to cover up for the sadness of as-yet-unarrived-relationship-richness, then celebrate it! You are free-er, if you will, to pursue life without the obligations of a relationship. You were created complete. And if you can enjoy dinner without dessert, there's less exercise required to keep the calories in check :)
Randy responds … Somewhere between fairy tales, movies, religion, and government laws, we are brainwashed, guilt-ridden, and controlled into believing that love/marriage/monogamy is the only path to emotional fulfillment. Unfortunately, the story-tellers, churches, and state know very little about emotional fulfillment (though they often pretend to). Most people, being uninformed, give up their ability to think for themselves, and "conventional wisdom" takes over. Personal growth is, among other things, learning to assert your right to be who you are and to find emotional fulfillment in your own (constructive) way. Easier said than done, but go for it!
Marcia responds .. I was married for the first time (and only time, to my present husband) at the age of 41, so I've been through this same line of questioning. I think asking a single when they plan to get married is as rude as asking a married when they plan to leave their spouse. Nevertheless, it's easier for others to focus on changing you, be it your marital status (imagine being a married who's told to get divorced!), weight, job, number of children, whatever, than it is for them to focus on changing what they don't like about their own lives. What you need is a response, or rather, a non-response. Next time you're faced with, "So when are you going to find Mr. Right?" tell them, "You'll be the first to know." Or, "Aren't you ever going to get married?" "You'll be the first to know." Or, "Don't you want to have children?" "You'll be the first to know." Repeat as needed. You ask, "What's wrong with being a happy single?" Not a thing, so don't let the questioning get to you. Understand, however, you're going against what is customary in our society. People don't know what to make of folks like us who color outside the lines and dance to our own beat. You go, girl.
Sandra responds .. You’re absolutely right: There is nothing wrong with being a happy single! As you describe your life, it truly does sound balanced and fulfilling; it also sounds as though you are, in many ways, making significant contributions to your world. And you are also correct in saying that there are many coupled people who are far less fulfilled than you and who are making far less contribution to the world. Having said this, I do have one concern, however. While I don’t detect any underlying sense of sour grapes in your letter, I would urge you to examine your beliefs regarding relationships. You say that many relationships are not happy, which certainly is true, but relationships can be deeply meaningful and satisfying and a source of personal growth. So be sure that your decision to be single is not made from fear, but rather, from your own deep knowing of what you need and desire. But assuming that self-knowledge and certainty, let me congratulate you, both for the success you have made of your life, and also for knowing your own mind and needs as you do! Way to go! As to the concerns of other people who seem to “know” what you need, I fear that there is little you can do to change their minds, but you can learn to deal effectively with them. When you sense that someone has a genuine concern and has your best interests at heart, you may choose to enter into conversation with them on the subject. If you so choose, you could simply explain the positives of your single life that you have outlined in your letter and assure them that you are truly happy and fulfilled. However, if you don’t wish to enter such a conversation, you are in no way obligated to do so. For those situations, I would suggest that you prepare a one-liner response, which you can deliver with lightness and humor and then immediately change the subject. The important thing is not to be drawn into the drama of trying to convince someone who has no wish to be convinced; simply deliver your line and change the subject, firmly and consistently. If you do this consistently, soon your associates will get the message and learn to talk about other subjects. Once again, congratulations on the meaningful life that you have created!
FEATURE ARTICLEHow Singles Can Create Communityby David Steele, Founder and CEO Relationship Coaching Institute The most common lament I hear from today's singles is their difficulty meeting potential partners. This problem did not occur in past generations when we lived and worked in a community of family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers, all of who would typically help introduce singles to each other. Without this support system, today's singles increasingly rely upon dating services and personal ads to solve the problem of meeting potential partners, and then wonder why they have so little in common with the people they meet through these services. Want to find your life partner? Expand your meaningful relationships! If you are becoming frustrated in finding potential partners, remember that relationships are about connection, and start by asking yourself how you can improve the quality and quantity of ALL your relationships. Isolated singles often find each other and become isolated couples. When they have children, they become isolated families. Whether the family remains intact or not, the legacy of isolation continues. If relationships survive and thrive in community, they tend to shrivel and die in isolation. Could this contribute to the high failure rate of relationships today? Without a built-in community, today's singles must intentionally create their own support system. While most singles have friends and family, this is not a large enough support community. Building a network of close, mutually beneficial relationships requires time, effort, and intention. In today's society, the closest example of this kind of support system is the community that exists in most church or temple environments. Characteristics include:
The members of a community contribute what they can and receive the support they need. A single male member of the community might volunteer to fix the plumbing of an elderly female member, who happens to think of a friend of her granddaughter that might be good for him to meet. Only in a community does this kind of spontaneous, mutually supportive relationship develop. A typical, isolated single male wouldn't have much reason to interact with a typical, isolated elderly female, and when she calls a plumber to fix her problem, he misses the opportunity to meet her granddaughter's friend, and they both miss the opportunity to be in a mutually beneficial relationship that enriches each other's lives. So, where can singles meet potential partners? In my experience the singles asking this question are too isolated in their everyday life, and need to first focus on building their community before finding a partner. How can singles build a community for themselves? Here are some suggestions:
A great relationship is brought together by, and thrives in community. By deepening your connection with others and expanding the circle of people you connect with, you improve the quality of your life and relationships. You can then allow your community to support you in finding and having a successful life partnership.
Bonus Article10 Dirty Secrets of Happinessby David Steele, Founder and CEO Relationship Coaching Institute My observation about our current culture is that we want to be happy, but don't know how. This problem has been exacerbated by the messages in movies, television, and other influential media, that promote a consumer-oriented, immediate gratification society. We seem to feel entitled to be able to buy and get what we want with little effort on our part. We have been conditioned that happiness comes from the outside, by having enough money, the car we want, the job we want, the partner we want. Then, when we get what we want, we find that we aren't happy! Our relationships are not working because of this externalized, entitlement mindset. If we aren't happy, it is our partner's fault and the relationship isn't working for us. I believe this is part of the reason for our divorce rate. The dirty secrets of happiness are quite contrary to the messages found in the entertainment media, and I refer to them as "dirty" because many of us (consciously or unconsciously) want to believe the commercials' promises and don't want to look at the reality. #1 If you want a partner, be a partnerMany of us have a wonderful, romantic, vision of the life partnership we want; the reality is that great relationships require a lot of self-work and effort on your part in the relationship. If you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you're probably doing it right. The good news is that you CAN live your Vision, the challenge is that the effort must come from YOU. #2 The journey is the destinationWe tend to focus on goals and results, which works well in many areas of our life, but not so well in our relationships. Chances are, you will always be striving toward the relationship you really want, and will never "arrive". The destination of Life is Death, the awareness of which pushes us to be present in the moment, because we realize that is all we really have. Similarly, our journey with our partner is all we really have. Learning to be present with and appreciate the journey is the path to happiness. #3 The journey is always longer and harder than expectedWe are an impatient culture that wants immediate results. While some of us have the work ethic and self-discipline for the sustained effort necessary to be successful, few of us are happy doing so. We look around and everyone else seems to get what they want so easily, and we wonder why it has to be so hard for us. Truly accepting this principle is a necessary step toward happiness. #4 Have goals while letting go of outcomesWhile having goals and wanting results is natural, letting go of outcomes seems to be a necessary ingredient to happiness. This means being able to "go with the flow", to be flexible and creative, to view mistakes and failures as opportunities. Success and happiness comes from a yin/yang balance of ambition and acceptance, assertion and tolerance, firmness and flexibility, choice and fate, having goals and letting go of outcomes. #5 Grow up and take responsibilityThere is a wonderful book on this subject that I highly recommend by Dr. Frank Pittman, "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult." (St. Martin's Press, 1998), which does an excellent job of explaining how we have become a society of victims, narcissists, and adolescents, and what to do about it. He writes: "...happy grown-ups take responsibility. They take responsibility for their bodies, their characters, and their relationships. They own their lives and they own up to the choices they make. Finding the responsible thing to do is the lifelong quest for grown-ups. And it leads to real, grown-up happiness..." (page 278) #6 To be happy we must grow, to grow we must stretchOur human nature is to have an inner conflict between comfort and challenge, growth and inertia. Balancing these opposing forces within us is an on-going effort. When we lean too far towards comfort, we risk stagnation, complacency, inertia. Too much challenge can lead to stress and burn-out. Our culture overvalues comfort and undervalues effort. Many of our clients engage our coaching to get what they want, and resist stretching beyond their comfort level to get it. #7 To get it, you have to give it awayThis is a paradox that challenges the "Me" generation. We are much more motivated to "get" than to "give", which wreaks serious havoc in our relationships. When we focus on giving and let go of keeping score, we have a chance of finding happiness in our life and relationships. #8 What goes around comes aroundThere is a consequence for your every choice and action. Of course we want our choices to be successful and get us what we want, and we resist acknowledging the possibility or reality of undesired outcomes. While this may seem simple and obvious, the spread of AIDS, multiple divorces, unwanted children, etc, are caused by people that are going after what they want and ignoring future consequences. #9 The Truth will set you freeMost of us struggle with a dissonance between what we want and what we have, the way things "should" be with the way things are, what we WANT to believe and the reality. When we can let go of our fears and ego enough to accept the truth about ourselves, life, relationships, etc., we open the door to the possibility of happiness. #10 Our relationships are our mirrorsThe definition of intimacy that I like is "Into Me I See". This can be quite challenging and uncomfortable, as we will experience the parts of ourselves that we don't like (our "shadows") as well as what we want to see. Happiness in a relationship means learning to use the relationship to learn and grow, which means taking full responsibility and even embracing our shadows when they get reflected to us.
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