Single? Seeking
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Knowlege Bank April 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: Vicki responds … When I hear a client talk about lack of time, need for sleep, shuffling and juggling to get everything in to their week, then I will focus the coaching on self management in order to get ready for relationship success. The first step is to have my client take DiSC Indra™. This is a profile that will give a picture of the person’s relationship style as well as a picture of where their energy is being absorbed. We all make choices every day to enter into relationships at work, at home and with friends. These relationships cost energy. The more we learn about our own style and then other styles, then the better we can manage our choices so that we have energy to spare rather than being on energy drain. Talk to your coach about using Indra as a tool to become more self and other aware.
Randy responds … You will "find" the time when you "make" the time! You will never have more than 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can (and will) always make time for what's truly important to you. This is a time management problem. Prioritize your activities and budget the hours - one hour less exercise or one hour less sleep or one hour less work. Perhaps you could try doubling up, such as an exercise date or a lunch date or a dinner date, or even a sleepover date! Consider whether dating is in fact important to you right now (maybe it's not). Whatever you decide, be sure it makes you happy with your life!
Lawrence responds .. What you focus on and what you envision will result in your desired outcome. We all live hectic busy lives, overwhelmed by emails, phone calls, careers, responsibilities... and we have choices as to how we contend with the myriad of information that bombards our lives daily. I work 60 hours a week and have several projects going on right now that consume a great deal of my time. But I have made a deliberate choice that sharing my life with someone special far outweighs and enhances, as well as balances the stress, commitments and other obligations I have created and chosen for myself. So it is just as easy to shift or adjust those choices, prioritize what is really important and create the time to share my life with someone else. In fact, I have deliberately set aside one day every week (either Saturday or Sunday) and dedicate that day to experiencing and sharing with my partner (without interruption or work issues creeping into our conversations) a day to do whatever we want, as long as we spend that time together. So if you think you are too busy for a relationship, make it a priority and see how it can become the oasis in your life. A place of peace and tranquility, growth and learning, adventurous, crazy fun and excitement! You might find as I have, a career is important, but it is transitory - a life shared together is forever....
Sandra responds .. Do you suppose that your lack of readiness has less to do with your time strictures and more to do with not being emotionally ready for a relationship yet? The truth is that everyone has exactly the same number of hours per week, and people all over the world manage to live their busy lives and still find meaningful relationships. The truth is that we pretty much do what we really want to do. That being said, I would suggest that perhaps an inner wisdom is telling you that this is your time just to enjoy being by yourself, exploring your own passion for life, discovering what gifts you have that you must share with the world. Part of your exploration might focus on ways to simplify your life so that you don’t feel so overwhelmed. Continue to explore your requirements for a partner, continue to be open, and when you are ready, you will find that making the time somehow takes care of itself.
FEATURE ARTICLEHow to Fine Tune Your Relationship Radar I don't think a week goes by that I don't get a letter or e-mail from someone asking for help in making better choices in relationships. It usually goes something like this: "I keep picking jerks to date! I try to pick different types of people -- they might even look completely different from the last person I dated -- but they end up acting the same and treating me the same. How do I stop doing this? I don't what to get fooled into marrying someone and then find out afterwards he is a jerk, too!" There are at least four actions you can take right away to begin to change this pattern. Each has to do with changing your relationship radar, which is what keeps getting you in these messes. Picture the weather radar on your local news program. It sweeps around and picks up the areas where it is raining. In much the same way, relationship radar picks up on the kind of person to whom you are attracted. Some people call this your "type." Your relationship radar is so precise and sensitive that if you walked into a party with 100 people in it, and three of them were your type, you'd pick them out in about 5 minutes. If your relationship radar is working well and helps you choose people who are good for you, no problem. If your relationship radar is faulty, you get into the pattern you're struggling with. Step 1: Take a relationship break This might be difficult. Many people who have faulty relationship radar go from one relationship to the next, repeating the same pattern. Taking a relationship break accomplishes at least two important tasks: It gives your poor heart a rest, and I bet it needs it. And, it gives you the time and space needed to do the rest of the changes required to reset your relationship radar. Step 2: Create a list of warning signs About 10 years ago I was working with a twenty-something person who told me that no matter what she tried, she kept dating jerks. So we decided we needed to come up with a "jerk list" made up of subtle and not so subtle signs that a person might be a potential jerk. What we discovered was that this list helped to guide her away from the type of person she had been attracted to up until then. While each person's list is unique, here are some general guidelines:
To create your own list, simply think back through previous relationships and look for themes in behavior, habits and attitudes that, in retrospect, were clear warning signs that this was someone to avoid. If you have trouble coming up with items, ask close friends to help you. Step 3: Create a list of what you are looking for in a partner Some people have said that this sounds so tacky, like a shopping list for a relationship. Well, perhaps, but it works. Of course, there will be physical characteristics. But, make sure to include personality and character traits that are both a good fit and healthy for you. While you are not going to find a tailor-made fit in an off-the-rack world, it's as important to know what you're looking for as is it to know what you need to avoid. Step 4: Create your screening and protection committee As you work at changing your relationship radar, you are still quite vulnerable to choosing people who are bad for you. There will be times when you just can't see clearly. Ask a few close friends, family, or a counselor to be a part of your screening and protection committee. These are people who know you well and know your list of warning signs. They need to be folks who will be honest with you. If someone doesn't pass the screening and protection committee, consider it one of the biggest and clearest warning signs you can get. ©2002-2005 Bonus Article
Going through a divorce is a very challenging time in a person’s life. It is hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years. Take a deep breath and let’s start to rediscover our true passions and say… #1 Treasure Your Gifts WithinRealizing we are all born as “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many women to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list everyday. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there! #2 Give Yourself A BreakDuring and after a divorce, it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many women feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time, such as working overtime or cleaning the house from top to bottom, but let this time also include pampering yourself. Barter with a friend or neighbor to watch your children or leave work a few minutes early so you can stop to sit on a park bench long enough to get that sense of the unique and special YOU. Take this time to experience life even for only 10 minutes without feeling like a wife, mother, sister or daughter… simply you! Yes, you do deserve to do something special for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a bath or a walk, going to the mall or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission - it’s O.K. Remember, the happier you are, the happier your family will be! #3 No regrets! No bitterness!Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself…are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go! Consider this quote from Buddy Hackett, “I never hold a grudge because while I am being angry, the other person is out dancing.” #4 Enjoy the Little ThingsLife after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up! Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life. So how do we live in the present? If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you. To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull you back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it! #5 What Makes Your Heart Sing?What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them? Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and why you were put on this earth. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass! Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood? Floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own. When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment with who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down. #6 What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” When going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to sit still and quiet until you understand what emotions you are feeling. Realize that your feelings and sensations are okay, then learn to listen to what your mind and body are telling you. Here is a great tip…recognize if your feelings are low energy or high energy. A few examples of low energy are stress, negativity, fear, resentment, or a sense of lack (lack of time or money) and high energy is joy, abundance, happy, positive, love or compassion. If you are having feelings of low energy, how do you make a shift to feel more of the high energy? First, acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having. Be gentle with yourself! Your goal is to make a shift, but realize you might not be able to go from low to high instantly. Start with baby steps! Repeat step number one and become present! Be thankful for what is working in your life right now. Do something simple like pat your pet, smell a flower or, if you are in the office, take a minute to think of a previous fun time or experience you have had that could bring a smile to your face. Feel the shift you are starting to make in your energy. Now, to amp up this high energy feeling, think of another time of joy or something you were passionate about in your life. Keep adding these thoughts to your high energy feeling and begin to feel great! Does it seem the people or situations around you have changed or is it you who has really changed? So, who has the power to feel their own joy? When you are feeling your high energy, this is the time to take your next inspired action and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something with ease and less effort! #7 Be True To YourselfDuring and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say yes, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to or have to? How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes, yet, find yourself having doubts, try this … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to volunteer or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing might not be right for you. If you are still excited, join the committee and have fun! Divorce is not easy or fun and you can make it through this time of your life by realizing you WILL make it! Also, honor yourself and listen to your heart! Your true purpose and passions are waiting to be rediscovered within you! When you have discovered the “gold nugget” you already are, you will start to live your life with more ease and enjoy the feeling of peace. “You are truly free!”
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