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Knowlege Bank

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March 2005

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
Dating Lessons from Reality Television

"I’m 34, ever single, but would like to meet the right guy and get married some day. I see that The Bachelor series is on television once again. I’ve watched the show two times before – once with a bachelor guest and another time with a bachelorette. I was wondering what you think of this television program and if you think there is any merit to the process that they use. In your opinion, are there any good lessons I might learn from watching the show?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

Sandra responds …

I must confess that I have never watched that particular show myself, but from the trailers and from what I know of television and from what I know of “reality” shows in general, I would suggest that there are better ways to spend your energy in your search for a life partner.

What you see on television is a highly edited version of the truth, cut from hours and hours of tape to fit a pre-conceived story line. My daughter was selected to appear on a reality show, and her experience was anything but real. Further, it is unlikely that a true connection with a suitable partner can occur in artificial settings with the whole world looking on and in the space of a few weeks.

Instead of spending your time trying to learn from what is actually an un-reality show, I would suggest that you start by focusing your attention inward, learning about you and what your needs and requirements are. Then, armed with that self-knowledge and wisdom, you are ready to turn your attention outward, ready to invest the time it takes to make a true match. You might consider working with a relationship coach, who will lead you step-by-step through the necessary inner journey that will prepare you for that wonderful relationship you so desire! The best to you in your search.

Sandra Rohr, MA
www.WellSpringsCoaching.com

Marcia responds …

Few of the couples formed by these dating shows have survived to the present, so perhaps the main message would be: If you're in search of the love of your life, don't search on a bachelor show.

If by now you haven't learned any good lessons from these shows, then perhaps you have your answer -- any lessons that await you aren't to be found on TV. Instead, search your own heart for the reasons why you haven't connected with any real matches. Do you feel emotionally protected so that you can safely open your heart to the right man? An open heart is difficult to capture on television, yet is all-important to connecting with your soul mate. If you can't protect yourself from getting hurt in productive ways that bring you closer to Mr. Right, you'll protect yourself by using unhealthy emotional distance instead.

If you continually pick Mr. Wrong, is it because you're afraid to let Mr. Right get too close, and so you behave in ways that distance him? Do you get drunk at least once a week? Do you have sex with a man before you even have a loving commitment from him, simply because you have great chemistry? Do you feel nothing because your emotions are frozen in fear, or do you find fault and pick fights with any man who shows he cares about you? Don't look at the TV; look to your own dating habits for the true reason Mr. Right remains distanced from you.

Marcia Augustine
marcia.augustine@dairemount.com
770-499-8932
Author of the forthcoming e-book Emotional Wavelengths

Tara responds...

I watched a couple shows from each of first three different Bachelor/Bachelorette television shows and found them quite "interesting." As for what you can learn...here are some important things I witnessed on these shows:

  • Engage others to help you find the love of your life. Life's too hard to do it all on your own. While we all can't be so fortunate as to have television producers at ABC find 25 men or women for us to meet, we can ask our friends, relatives, and colleagues to help us out with our search for the love of our life. Life is about connections -- networking. Share your requirements with these folks and let them start looking for someone with who you might develop a future relationship.
  • Meet your dates in a variety of venues. Granted most of us won't be residing in multi-million dollar homes (which aren't ours!), vacationing in luxury or dining in some of the nation's finest restaurants while dating, but it's important to experience a variety of environments with your date. You'll have a chance to see how they act and respond within different settings. It's also a good idea to seek out some simple venues which might include taking walks, sitting in the park, or even eating at a fast food restaurant. While it's nice to be entertained in all manner of luxury and opulence, its important to separate out your experience with your date from the surroundings. While I'm sure everyone has a great time on the reality tv show, it's about the relationship, not all the glitz and glamour. Remember...you don't get to take the glitz and glamour home with you!
  • Meet the family. This is probably one of the most important parts of the show to me -- when the bachelor or bachelorette takes a few of the finalists home to meet their parents and friends. It's important to involve others with our relationships -- but up to a point. Sometimes we cannot see things because we are too close to the situation. Believe me, your family and friends will be more than happy to give their two cents about your prospective partner. You might not want to hear what they have to say, but listen! Good objective input should always be welcomed.

    Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
    Certified Relationship Coach for Singles
    www.relationshipplanning.com
    248.723.1926

FEATURE ARTICLE

Dating and Reality TV: What We Can Learn

by David Steele, MA, LMFT
Founder and CEO, Relationship Coaching Institute

Every Wednesday night at nine o' clock, you will find me sitting in front of the TV set with my family, all of us looking like deer caught in headlights as we watch "The Bachelor." As a relationship coach, the plethora of dating reality shows evokes a combination of horror and fascination in me.

On one hand, these dating reality shows are really an "un-reality." A single guy is dating a large group of attractive women with a camera following his every move, shopping for his life partner on TV, and proposing after just six weeks. On the other hand, a show like "The Bachelor" actually involves a very conscious process. As the contestants spend time together, their methods parallel my “Four Steps for Conscious Dating,” which include scouting, sorting, screening, and testing.

Four Steps for Conscious Dating

To refresh your memory, scouting is the process of finding potential partners to meet. Sorting is the process of quickly determining if there is enough in common to pursue a potential relationship. Screening is the process of collecting enough information to know if your requirements will be met. Testing is the process of testing out chemistry, compatibility, and the information you received to gain experience and knowledge of the relationship's long-term potential before entering a pre-committed relationship.

In the dating reality shows, the producers are responsible for actually scouting the 25 potential partners, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that the success rate of these couples is very low. Still, I think these shows are wonderful illustrations of how to consciously screen and test potential partners. Moreover, the Bachelor and the Bachelorette featured on these shows are typically clear examples of singles who are ready and available for commitment.

While I don't recommend that you go on a reality show to find your life partner, I do encourage you to watch some of these shows as an exercise of self-reflection.

Be The Chooser!

As you watch the show, ask yourself, if, when you're dating, are you more like the bachelor/bachelorette, or the contestants? Are you the chooser, or the chosen? Do you date with such empowerment that you can vote off the man/woman who doesn't meet your requirements? Or, are you vying for attention and acceptance? The attitude of the bachelor/bachelorette - as the chooser - is one I would like to see in all singles.

I also think these reality shows reflect a trend of what dating is evolving into today. What I mean is: the process of finding a life partner is looking a lot more like buying a house or choosing a job. We are making relationship choices more carefully and thoughtfully, which is much better than the alternative!

Another aspect I appreciate about the reality dating shows is that you can see requirements popping up all the time. For example, a few years ago in "The Bachelorette" finale with Trista, we saw how Trista and her family questioned the contestant Charlie about his career. Viewers got to see how Charlie explained that he was at a crossroads in his life, regarding his job in finance. He mentioned that he was comfortable if his wife made more money than him, and said he had no issue staying at home to be Mr. Mom. As viewers, we also got to see how Trista reacted to this information, and it was not surprising when she chose Ryan in the end.

Are You Ready for What You Want?

Like "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," most singles don't want to be alone. So, they date seeking a committed relationship. Yet, many confuse wanting a commitment with being ready for one. We all want to be with a partner, but, for a variety of reasons, we might not be ready. And often, we are unaware of our lack of readiness. So, when our dating strategy doesn't align with our readiness status, we unconsciously set ourselves up for failure. In the end, this complicates our lives and the lives of our dating partners.

So, how do you know if you're ready for a committed relationship? This is a novel idea for many singles. When singles hear this question, they often respond, "What do you mean, I have to be ready!?"

What I mean is, if you were to meet your soul mate today, would you be ready and available to enter into a relationship with them? Do a self study by looking at different areas of your life in order to judge your relationship readiness. You might start right now with our "Relationship Readiness Quiz". This will give you a quick look at how ready you are for an intimate relationship in different areas of your life. Are you ready to be close to someone, or are you carrying some baggage from your previous relationships? In your life, are you experiencing a lot of fear or anger? Are you legally ready to be in a serious relationship with someone? Is your life in transition with a change in career or a return to school?

Singles are often so focused on the goal of having a relationship that they are blind to those things which might interfere with their readiness. Many singles instead focus on the relationship they want with someone else, rather than honestly looking at themselves, their life situation, and the relationships they already have in their life. They are not conscious about whether or not this relationship might be a good long-term choice, or if it is, whether they are setting themselves up for success or failure by getting involved at this time in their life. By exploring yourself first - your physical health, mental health, emotional health, work or career situation, lifestyle, finances, family - you will discover how ready you are for a relationship.

Making Conscious Choices

Assessing your readiness means making choices that are aligned with where you are and what you want in your life. Every choice has a consequence, and you need to make choices consciously, using your best judgment of what the consequences might be. I refer to this process as "intentionality." For example, if you choose to have unprotected sex, you also choose the consequences that might follow, whether you chose with conscious intention or not, whether the consequences are desirable for you or not.

Also, just because you want something, doesn’t mean you’re ready for it. Is an adolescent ready for sex and possible parenthood? Is someone ready to date just after they separate from a long-term relationship because they don’t want to be alone? Is a lottery winner ready to play the stock market just because they have the money in the bank? You get the picture.

Single adults often think they’re ready for sex because they want to. You meet someone and really click together; the chemistry is buzzing. You want to sleep together. Does that mean that you're ready? Sex breaks down a lot of boundaries very quickly, and most of us lose our objectivity and clarity about what we really want when physical intimacy comes into the picture. So, if you're going to have a conscious relationship with someone, you probably need to get to know him/her better and decide the future potential of the relationship before having sex.

I'm not saying that singles should be alone until they’re ready for a committed relationship. No way! Who wouldn't want all the benefits of a relationship? That is, regular sex, companionship, security, having somebody there for you. But you need to have some boundaries to set yourself up for long-term success.

I like to compare finding your life partner to taking a cross-country road trip. There are two ways you can approach this trip: spontaneously jump in the car and go, or map out your journey with a detailed itinerary. If you just jump in the car, it's going to be quite an exciting adventure. You might run out of gas. You might get lost. Rather, if you plan out your trip consciously, you're going to have various maps in the glove compartment, reservations at motels along the way, a few credit cards, and most importantly, a plan, and you can have adventures and minimize problems that could spoil your trip. Your dating journey is one of the most important journeys you'll take in life. You can approach it randomly and make lots of mistakes. Or, you can do so consciously and navigate those roads as best as possible.

David Steele | MA, LMFT
Founder and CEO Relationship Coaching Institute
www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Bonus Article

The Top 5 Reasons Relationships Fail
by Dinah S. Temple

  1. Deception

    How many times have you dated or fallen in love with someone only to find out later that they are not the person you thought they were?

    In the beginning, they say and do all of the right things and lead you to believe that they could be the right one for you. Unfortunately as time goes on, the facade begins to crack. Little by little, their true self begins to emerge because continuing to wear the mask of your ideal partner becomes too hard.

    Eventually, the real person is revealed and will hope that you may be too invested in the relationship to leave. It becomes evident very quickly that this person has misrepresented who they are and what they are really about.

    There is a big difference between putting your best foot forward to make a good impression and being totally and intentionally deceptive. People are deceptive for many reasons. The main one being they believe they will not be accepted for who they really are and they are usually right. This is why it so important to spend the time to truly get to know prospective partners. To do otherwise is foolish and paves the way for eventual failure.
  2. Unprepared Partners

    Most of us begin dating in our late teens and even though we are painfully naive about what to expect, we believe that by trial and error, we will eventually figure it out.

    The folks that do figure it out and are successful at relationships have done one thing the others haven’t. They have taken the time to figure out who they are first and what they need and want out of a relationship. They know what types of things are “deal breakers” for them in a relationship and never negotiate these requirements. What they will negotiate are their needs and wants and they know the difference between them. They understand the necessity of give and take in compromise. They realize that no relationship is perfect but they also know how to maintain a healthy relationship.

    The prepared partner would never go on a hundred-mile trip to a destination they have never been without first filling up the gas tank and using a map for direction. They prepare as much for a relationship as they would a long trip only in more depth. They have a destination in mind and know how to get there before they begin. Conversely, unprepared partners may enjoy a spontaneous ride but have no back-up plan for future detours along the way.

    Unfortunately, a large part of the population consists of unprepared partners. They go from one failed relationship to the next totally oblivious to the basic research on themselves that still must be done. After all, you shouldn’t expect for anyone to meet your requirements and most of your needs and wants if you don’t even know what they are!
  3. Unrealistic Expectations

    Another reason that relationships fail is because one or both partners have unrealistic expectations of what their partner should bring to a relationship.

    One should never expect their partner to be the source of their own happiness. One should never expect their partner to fulfill their individual hopes, dreams or monetary aspirations. One should only expect mutual and reciprocated love, respect, moral support, friendship and partnership. Anything else you give or receive from the relationship is icing on the cake.
  4. Money

    Money and how it is spent is one of the biggest reasons relationships fail.

    The reason being that this topic is usually not discussed in any depth until marriage. Even then, it is sometimes difficult to decide on how a couple’s money should be handled. There are several options that couples can elect to use. Some may decide to maintain separate checking accounts and be responsible for paying their own bill with their own money in addition to half of the joint expenses. This is usually the most equitable choice.

    Others will agree to pool their money together and appoint one of the partners to be the “bill payer”. This person is willing to take on accountability for the couple’s money. However, when one partner is out of the loop on what expenses are actually being incurred and paid, the tendency is to distrust or second guess the “bill payer”. This is especially true when both have many credit cards and in blended families where one partner is responsible for supporting more children than the other.

    When one of the partners has poor credit and is therefore unable to obtain loans for a house or car, dealing with money gets even harder. In this case it usually means that legally, only one partner will bear the brunt of the couple’s finances and leaves them open to financial ruin if the relationship fails.
  5. Failure to Respect your Partner’s Individuality

    It is safe to say that no two people mature at the same rate and by the time one catches up with the other, sometimes couples wonder if they’ve grown apart.

    What used to be a cute, endearing quirk may now get on your nerves. And what used to be important to both may no longer be the case. It’s important for both partners to realize that most of us are constantly growing and changing. Maintaining one’s individuality in a relationship is paramount. Successful couples not only respect their partner’s individuality but also encourage it in addition to sharing interests in the life they have built together.

    © 2005 by Dinah S. Temple
    www.mattersoflove.com
    Author: "Picking Up the Pieces: A Guide to Recovery from Betrayal and a Broken Heart"