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Knowlege Bank March 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: Marcia Responds . Dating in the workplace can be a high-risk proposition if not handled properly. You risk getting fired if dating is against company policy and your relationship is found out. Or, you may have your heart broken by your colleague, yet have to see her every day. Should she move on to date another, you risk by proximity the pain of witnessing her newfound happiness with another man, while you perhaps continue to nurse your wounded feelings. The key is to reduce the risks. First, find out if dating is permitted in your company. If not, you would want to run the idea past both your supervisors first. Otherwise, your supervisors and possibly your other coworkers may lose all respect for you when they learn of your relationship. Still worse, dating her could get you fired. To protect your feelings, date and get to know each other, but don't become sexual until a loving commitment (perhaps even an engagement) blossoms. If you postpone sex, you will be more certain your relationship will succeed because you have given it time to play out to deepening feelings of love, or an amicable parting of the ways. If your colleagues and supervisors see you conducting yourselves with the highest level of respect for each other, they will respect your relationship as well. Similarly, recovering from an ended affair will be much easier for both of you if you have postponed sex. If you want an uncommitted, sexual relationship with a friend, you would be wise to seek her outside your workplace. Marcia Augustine Sandee Responds . Congratulations on finding someone that you are so interested in, that is wonderful. Second, what I think that you need to do is check out the company policy where you are both employed. Some companies do not allow two people within the company to "mingle" with each other. If that's the case, and you start dating, one of you will have to be prepared to change jobs. Is that even a possibility? If the company policy does not rule out employees seeing each other and you both want to pursue your interest in each other, I would say go for it. Just remember that when you are at work, you are at work! Be discreet and keep your personal business and feelings to yourself. Outside of work, you are on your own. By the way, I totally recommend business related romances. That is how I met my wonderful husband!!!!! Sandee Abern | Relationship Coach Nan Responds . Before you and your colleague take it to the next level, make sure you share a vision of what your "dating" life would look like. Think about these questions before making your decision. >> If a policy against staff dating exists, would you break the company rules to see another. >> Would either of you be in a real or perceived conflict of interest within your company, and if so, what would the consequences be >> If no company policy exists, would you be open with your co-workers about the change in your relationship, or would you prefer to keep it from them? >> What do you hope will come from "dating" one another (is this recreational dating for both of you, or are you both looking for a long-term, committed relationship) >> If things don't work out for one or both of you, how would that affect your working relationship, and your relationship with your co-workers, in the future? If you discuss all potential complications or barriers that could, develop shared strategies, and are both very open and honest with one another about your hopes/intentions before you begin dating, you have a great chance at enjoying a "successful" office romance. By starting your dating relationship with honest, sincere communication and a commitment to a shared vision, you have an even greater chance at a healthy, long-term committed relationship, if that's what you both want. It seems that the two of you have already demonstrated a mature, aware attitude to this point, and are not willing to let your emotions lead you into a situation that could damage your careers and cause you personal pain. You have the skills to proceed cautiously, not foolishly. If you don't pursue the obvious interest you have in one another, you may both end up wondering"what if (we had dated)" for the rest of your lives. Nan Einarson, Life & Relationship Coach Tonja Responds . Since the majority of romantic office relationships do not endure, consider thinking about What happens to you at work when this relationship breaks up? Are you tense, embarrassed, or hiding out? Is the quality of your work compromised? Before you embark on an office romance, think about how your former relationships ended? If you remain on friendly terms with your former lovers, then the chances are good that even if this new relationship ends, you will not feel too uncomfortable working in the same place. However, if your former relationships have ended in anger, bitterness, and acrimony, you may want to consider what that would feel like to be around every day. You may have to be prepared to look for a new job, or transfer to another branch of your company. If neither of those options are possible, I would proceed with great caution. In the meantime, if you have a pattern of your past relationships ending badly, you may want to think about getting a counselor, a therapist, or a coach. With more insight, it may become possible in the future to consider an office romance that does not jeopardize your happiness and your career. Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A.
FEATURE ARTICLETo Date or Not To Date At the Officeby Pamela Simmons My first inclination in response to Paul in Palo Alto was to scream, "Stay away at all costs." However, the reality for Knowing how someone works and functions in their professional lives can be helpful information in regard to work ethic, interpersonal relations, values and integrity, personality, and goals. These all demonstrate the public persona-something important to know. The private persona takes a while to learn as the developing relationship goes through many stages, one of which is the romantic stage of presenting one's best and connecting warmly and intimately. It is a stage of feeling high and excited and oblivious to the impact negative traits may eventually have. As the couple moves to the power stage, communication skills and personal introspection are required to maintain equilibrium. Many couples find that they are not a good match during this stage and elect to part ways. How they go about the parting has an affect on them individually and can also influence how they function at work. It is a painful time when hurt and disappointment turn behaviors into childish interactions. A relationship between a manager and a direct subordinate, a manager and someone who is not a direct subordinate, and co-workers with equal standing in the organization are all circumstances that create unique responses and unique issues. Among the legal issues that can evolve are favoritism or the perception of favoritism, conflicts of interest, confidentiality (information shared in privacy about the company), hostile work environment as the result of anger between the partners, and sexual harassment. For these reasons companies tend to discourage office romance or at least inform employees of the risks if they choose to do so. It takes personal energy and skill to maintain office professionalism in the face of relationship ups and downs. We are all human and subject to fears, doubts, competitiveness, and anger that our close relationships ask us to face. How we handle them is the determining factor in the success or failure of the relationship whether at the office or not. We are responsible for our own distresses and many need help from a relationship specialist in order to do it successfully. If we are struggling with intimacy, it is a time to look at our own history and negative emotion that creates the struggle. Can we do that so that we still bring the best of ourselves to the workplace? Can we live through the stages of relationship and separate them from the issues faced in company interactions and decisions? Will others perceive the relationship as hostile or a demonstration of favoritism? Will the company be at risk for litigation? Will jobs be at risk because we cannot separate personal feelings from job responsibilities? It is not that easy. We may be able to follow through with all of these notions, but will the prospective partner? Many advisors would say avoid office romance. Can we both live our highest and best selves in the face of relationship challenges or relationship partings? We are not likely to know that in the early stages. It is good to make the decision before chemistry and sexual energy make the decision. If the answer is to date, then be prepared for the awaiting challenges and know that it is okay to ask for help. Pamela Simmons |
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