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Member News February 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: Barbara responds… I am 63, married twice and divorced twice. Valentine's Day was a lonely holiday for me for many years between significant others or husbands. What works for me is to be in the NOW and gift myself on that special day. I might go to a spa, have a massage, gather a girlfriend of two and plan a delicious dinner, buy myself a gift... One Valentine's Day about 10 years ago, I bought myself a stuffed animal, a skunk with a sweet personality, that moved it's tail from side to side, held a pillow that read, 'I love you' and played the song, 'How sweet it is to be loved by you'. Another Valentine's Day, I bought myself a little gorilla that 'sang', 'Wild Thing, I think I love you, but I want to know, for sure. When all is said and done, who is our most significant life partner? Our very own precious self. Once we develop a love relationship with ourselves, we will never be lonely again, even when we’re alone! Let me know how this works for you and, please, spread the good word among your single friends. Take care, be creative and give yourself the Best and most lasting Gift of All, Love! Consider yourself 'hugged'
Marcia responds… The best approach is to be realistic about feeling alone on a holiday that celebrates romantic love. Accept that this Valentine's Day won't be like previous ones that included your former flame. Then make the best of the situation by being there for yourself during a time when you don't have him to be there for you. Schedule a massage for the 14th. And since nothing's worse than watching one flower delivery after another arrive at your work place, with none of them for you, arrange with a few girlfriends who are also romance-free that day to send each other friendship flowers. Consider buying some of those cute little valentines that we used to exchange in grade school, and perhaps pick up a bag of wrapped candy, and visit a nursing home, where you'll meet folks who feel more alone than you feel right now. I would suggest not going out to dinner that evening, so you don't have to rub your nose in the fact that so many folks are coupled up, but not you. Instead, invite your single friends over for a potluck dinner and board games. Lastly, go to bed early, and it'll be February 15th before you know it.
Tonja responds… Valentine’s Day is difficult to ignore when it is constantly depicted in the media, store windows, and what looks like a world full of couples in celebration of romance. It sometimes helps to remember, however, that you are not alone—there are 101 million adult singles out there. If you have happy memories of past Valentine’s Days with someone you loved, I can see why you would be reminded of your loss, and what you long for. But perhaps you might consider a shift in your perspective this year. Even though the world views February 14th as a day that honors romance, maybe you could create your own meaning and some new memories. >>> Send Valentines, write letters, or call the people you love and tell them why they are important to you. Share a special memory you have of them. >>> Think about what you would enjoy doing for you. Plan ahead to rent a romantic, uplifting movie; buy an inspiring book to spend the evening reading; surround yourself with candles for a long soak in the tub; get takeout food at your favorite restaurant. Spend some special time with yourself, and think of the different ways you would like to be pampered. >>> Give yourself what you need. Stay focused on what you want and how you’re going to get it. If you don’t like something in your life, make plans now about how to change it. Explore all of your choices. Sometimes we forget that we have them.
Vickie responds… Celebrate Valentine's Day as a day to share love. Although you may have spent the day with your lover in the pass, why not shift to spend time showing love to your teen age daughter. Consider a day at the Spa or dinner for two at a favorite restaurant. We often think the only way to celebrate is with a mate. Spending time and saying I love you to others in our life can also be rewarding and fun.
Cathy responds…. One thing that I did when I was single (divorced), and dreading Valentine's Day was to gather a group of my single friends and plan a dinner out on Valentines Day. We celebrated the fact that we had and loved each other and ourselves. We also reminded ourselves and each other that it was much better to not have a mate than to be in a "bad" relationship or marriage. We celebrated our singleness and the good things about being single, like picking our own movies, decorating the way we liked, etc. And we lifted each other's spirits and weren't home alone feeling sad.
FEATURE ARTICLEThe Magic of Five Little Wordsby Pam Williams and Marci Moore Communication can certainly be a challenge. There are barriers all around us. We don't have enough time - leaving our communication with friends, family and those we love to five minutes between other commitments. We each listen through our own unique filters, filters that come from our upbringing and life experiences. Other barriers include unresolved anger & hurt, lack of communication skills, distractions, and different communication styles! However, as challenging as communication with our friends and dates can be, the reward is increased intimacy and understanding. And so, we offer these five magic words as one way to begin improving your communication. Let's start with the most basic of communication words - YES and NO. Say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no. In other words, be authentic in your communication with others. Don't expect them to read your mind, or to know that when you say yes in a certain tone of voice it really means no. By expecting others to decipher your messages, you waste both precious energy and time - a commodity that we'd all like to have more of. Listening and expressing a sincere interest in what your date has to say is another simple way to improve your communication. Rather than jumping in with your own thoughts and stories, give your date time and space to fully express her thoughts. When your date stops talking, use the words REALLY or WOW to get more information. Really? Tell me more about that. Wow! That's very interesting. I'd love to hear more about that. "The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words." (Rachel Naomi Remen). Don't badger your date if he has nothing more to say, but do give him space to fully express himself. Be patient - it may take a little while for others to get comfortable with the idea that you are actually willing to listen. Let's turn our attention to using communication to negotiate. When your response to your date's request is certainly not a yes, but not a definitive no, how about MAYBE? Your date wants to go to a movie. You really want to get the holiday decorations up, but a movie sounds like fun. Your response might be "maybe we can go to a movie today - would you be willing to hang out with me tonight while I put up the decorations?" Doesn't that seem like a more kind response than "no, I cannot go to the movies - I need to get the decorations up. All you ever want to do is play!" So, our five little words are: 1. Yes This month, experiment with these simple words and actions in your communication with your friends and dates. Remember that simple doesn’t always mean easy, so practice, practice and practice some more. Practicing your communication skills now will give you the confidence to communicate authentically when you begin a committed relationship. You might even experience your own communication magic. © Magical Partners 2004. All rights reserved. |
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