Member News

December 2004

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Meet the Children!
"I’m a 42-year old divorced woman and the custodial parent of two wonderful teenaged girls. After 2 years of being on my own, I started to date a gentleman who I met through a friend. We’ve been seeing each other for 3 months; however, I haven’t introduced him to my teenagers. I’m not really certain of our future together because all of this is so new for me. When is the right time to introduce someone to your children and what is the best way to do that?"

Wondering in Wichita

THE COACHES RESPOND:

Marcia responds…

Carefully time when you meet his children, and when he meets yours. Children don’t need a parade of dates and “friends” who come and go through their lives. They need to see protection, selectivity and value modeled to them. Meet each other’s children after emotional intimacy has grown, but before sexual intimacy takes place. They’ll feel safer, even if they don’t entirely grasp the exact nature of your relationship. More importantly, you’ll have modeled something for them that’s lacking too much in our lives. They will see by your example what true emotional intimacy looks like and feels like.

Marcia Augustine
Marietta, GA
770-499-8932 marcia.augustine@dairemount.com

Nan responds…

As a parent and a coach, I believe firmly in the importance of open communication in every relationship. The one between parent and teen is often difficult, and becomes more complicated when the teen feels left out of information, discussion and decision-making. It’s important for a parent to be a model for children through action and word. If you want them to confide in you and ask your opinions and advice, then be willing to do the same with them. By encouraging them to take part in decisions impacting on the family, you also help them to develop a sense of responsibility and accountability, and create “buy-in” and commitment to the outcomes.

You refer to your “wonderful girls”, which suggests a relationship where you can ask their honest feelings. If you feel the time is right for you to date, what has held you back from letting them know what you feel and want for yourself? You all need to hear and understand one another’s feelings and needs, so that together you can identify and find strategies for bridging any gaps. They can support you in your needs and this new phase of your life. Who knows? They may have some terrific dating tips for you! Or, they may need support from you in helping them to understand you better.

Be prepared that they may feel deceived that you have hidden this part of your life from them. How would you feel if they did that with you? It may take time for the idea to sink in. By introducing them to the concept first, being honest about your feelings and fears, you’ll learn their position. Until you do, you’ll never know. You can introduce them to the man if and when you and the girls all believe they’re ready. Your future together with your new man will obviously include a future with your girls, whether it’s short or long term. Have you discussed with him if he’s ready to meet them?

Whatever the destination, enjoy the journey through this next stage of your life together.

Nan Einarson, Life & Relationship Coach
(905) 728-5882
http://www.make-it-so.ca

FEATURE ARTICLE

Single for the Holidays

The miniature twinkling lights in the downtown trees and shopping malls start to appear earlier every year. There are so many catalogues coming to me each day, my mail box is about to buckle under the weight. Little children are starting to shiver with anticipation, couples are picking up the pace to start the decorating, buying, cooking, and family gatherings—and singles want to hide out until it all blows over. It’s the HOLIDAYS.

If you are single, you might feel like the darkest hours are near. It SEEMS like the rest of the world is going two-by-two, in step to the beat of the “Little Drummer Boy,” while you march to the tune of “Only the Lonely.” Finding yourself alone at this time of year doesn’t match the pictures of holiday togetherness depicted in television commercials. If you don’t have a mate, your aunt might even sit you at the side table with the children for the holiday meal. It means going to parties solo—or worse yet—not even getting invited. But there is hope.

Being single for the holidays is like anything else in life. You have to plan for it and do some work. This holiday season, why not try making it one of the best ones of your life. Think about the following:

Forgive yourself
Let go of your inner critical voice that picks on everything you have ever done that did not turn out the way you hoped. Face it. You did the best you could at the time. Be kind to yourself, let go of the past, and move on. You have a whole new beginning; it starts NOW, so embrace it.
Hold onto a good attitude
Plan to do something with others that removes any potential for a “poor me” frame of mind. When we’re single, we need to stay active versus passive. Plan a caroling party with fun people. Find a good book to read and save it for a holiday weekend. Have cider, sit around a fire with friends, and talk about your dreams for the New Year.
Create a new holiday tradition
Plan a ski trip, buy a special ornament for your tree, or decorate your front door. Find something pleasing to do that you will enjoy doing each year.
Know that being single is a stage
Being alone can be a luxury of time that you can use to grow. Learn more about yourself and what you truly want, so that you can recognize it when you find it.
De-clutter your life
There is power and freedom in discarding what you have outgrown or no longer want or need. This relates to your physical environment and the people around you. Disengage from others who consistently let you down, hurt your feelings, or do not see you in a positive light.
Laugh. Find your funny bone and exercise it every day
Check out movies and TV shows that consistently make you giggle, and choose friends who look on the humorous side of life. Laughing is like magic-- it can open closed doors. And remember—laughing makes you more ATTRACTIVE.
Forget the negative statistics
Every day, people over 40,50, 60, or more, find happiness and get married. So do people who are overweight, bald, unfashionable, and don’t look like models or movie stars.
Make a plan for every day of the season. Start now
Block out your days and weeks, make preparations in advance, and make this a memorable time. Sit down with your calendar and phone book. Initiate activities you would enjoy doing by calling people close to you and talking about what you can do together. Check the schedule of events in your place of worship, your community, and your work place, and build from there.
Keep the use of the internet to a minimum
It is easy to get lost in using the internet and not take the actions required to connect with people. Schedule a certain amount of time to be online, and then get back to your activities. Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve are not times to be searching for someone to talk to. It will leave you depressed.
Do something for others
Make arrangements now to volunteer at a soup kitchen, nursing home, hospital, or women’s shelter. Give yourself the gift of contributing to those who need us the most at this time of year.

If you do some of the above planning now—if you laugh more, get out more, reach out to people, and take responsibility for finding your own happiness this season, you also increase your chances of finding your mate. Single for the holidays doesn’t mean being ALONE for the holidays. It means you’re ready to dance.

Tonja Evetts Weimer, M.A., is an award-winning author and R.C.I. Master Certified Singles Relationship coach. Contact her at or call 864-294-9494.