This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I’m a 47 year old divorced male with two teenaged children (shared custody). I was married for over 25 years and am now starting to date. I’ve read some dating books that discuss dating red flags which make me wary about the whole dating thing. I know that there is risk in everything we do in life, but I would like to know some more about dating red flags. What are some things I should be cautious about as I move forward?"
~Ryan in Riverside
THE COACHES RESPOND:
Ken Answers…
Ryan, there are a number of things to be watchful for when dating. Some Red Flags which might indicate trouble ahead include potential dates who are…
Telling all.
Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to them.
Taking as much as they can for the sake of getting.
Giving as much as they can for the sake of giving.
Expecting others to fill their needs automatically.
Red Flag Warning: You may end up dating someone else who is not ready to date. In all likelihood, you will end up dating others who have also experienced broken relationships. In that case, you don’t necessarily date only one person. You may end up“dating” the ex, their children and the consequences of their history, their break-up and their current status. How strong are you? Are you prepared or willing to potentially be used/expected to help someone else work through and resolve their personal issues? It’s natural to seek comfort & solace with someone who shares a similar, hurtful experience. Unless you find someone at the same level of healing and with a similar purpose, you’re both liable to get hurt some more.
Ms. Wrong will be needy, meaning she relies too much on you for companionship and will try to push the relationship forward by pursuing you more than you pursue her. She’ll seem desperate and anxious to find someone to be the answer to her problems, whether those problems are financial, emotional or logistical. With Ms. Wrong, you’ll have a sense that something about her life is out of balance. Ms. Right will be sexually faithful, self-supporting, good-natured and even-tempered, emotionally close to others – she won’t do illegal drugs or abuse alcohol. She'll have the respect of his coworkers and in general have a good reputation. She'll be emotionally stable, treat others with kindness, decency and respect, and be responsible both in her job and her personal life. Ms. Right will be willing to work through tough times and not run away when things get complicated or the emotional space between you grows too close for comfort.
It's great that you have a cautious attitude about reentering the dating world. The #1 piece of advice I give my single clients all the time is to go s-l-o-w-l-y! So, in addition to taking your time, here are a few other pointers to be aware of:
You can tell a lot about your date in a short amount of time because "how you do everything is how you do anything". Pay attention to the small stuff - it does matter. Is your date polite to you but rude to the wait staff? Does she offer to pay at times? Do her eyes wander as you are speaking to her? Does she change the subject and keep turning the conversation back to herself? Does she consistently show up late to dates? Does she call when she says she will?
People typically leave clues as to what you can expect from them in the future. Train yourself to be super-observant and learn to trust your gut.
Seven Habits for Spotting and Dealing with Red Flags
By Mari Smith
Knowing what to look for and when to trust your gut in a new dating situation is a critical skill for singles. Here are seven tips for making the screening process much more effective.
Review your relationship criteria consistently.
Make sure your requirements are relationship-specific and not person-specific. You must know what you are looking for. How else would you know whether something is a red flag? Notice whether a red flag is related to a Requirement, Need or Want. Ask yourself, "Could a relationship work for me if this situation continued?"
Never assume.
Our minds are "meaning making machines"! We automatically make up meanings for everything that happens in our lives. When we stop to question the meanings we make, it can be very freeing. Especially if you are willing to share your experience with your partner and ask for clarification. Often you will be amazed at how far off your interpretation was!
Take personal responsibility.
Notice when something feels off inside and be willing to communicate to your partner/date in a compassionate, direct and responsible way, using “I” language. Make a commitment to telling your truth.
Use compassionate communication.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) – also known as Compassionate Communication - is a powerful tool for effectively communicating your feelings and needs. You will automatically create deeper intimacy using this model alone. The four steps are (1) Observation, (2) Feeling, (3) Needs and (4) Request.
An example would be: "John when you arrived 30 minutes after the time we had agreed I felt frustrated as I have a need for keeping agreements. In future, would you be willing to call me on my cell phone if you are delayed?" Or, if you are feeling particularly emotional, you can ask the other person to reflect back what they heard you say first before making your request.
An excellent book to learn more is "Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values" by Marshall B. Rosenberg or go to his website at http://cnvc.org.
Create your own personal “yardstick”.
You can measure the degree of importance or relevance when a red flag comes up. For example: “On a scale of 1-10, how upset am I that my date arrived 30 minutes late? 1= no problem, I enjoyed the chance to relax and 10 = I was furious and it spoiled my whole evening”. In this example, depending on how upset you were, it could be related to your requirement (or need) for keeping agreements, having integrity, being responsible or being respectful.
Ask yourself either/or questions.
When we ask ourselves an either/or question, we don’t give our minds a chance to waver on the answer. The right answer for you is instantly known from your gut, from your subconscious mind. For example, you could have your own inner code for evaluating red flags – ask yourself, "Is this a yes or a no?", "Is this a green light or a red light?", "Is this a yum or a yuk?". An excellent book with either/or questions is "The Right Questions: 10 Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life" by Debbie Ford.
Include friends and family.
Make sure you are not always alone with your date. Be sure to include yourself in your partner's life by meeting his friends, family members and children, if applicable. Pay close attention to your date’s behavior around other people. Are they relaxed and comfortable, or do they seem awkward? Does their behavior change when others are around? Do they treat you differently?
Introduce your date to your own friends and family members. Ask the people you are close to for their feedback. What did they think of your date? Did they notice anything in particular? Just as important, what did they notice about you? Did you act different?
Be sure to vary the locations and activities for your dates. Don't always meet at the same place at the same time and do the same things! For example, you could meet up for Sunday brunch, then a weekday lunch, then hiking on a Saturday afternoon, a play on Friday night and a workshop on a weekday evening… you get the picture!
