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Member News September 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND:Marcia Answers: If one of your requirements is that your partner be "financially stable" I say feel free to walk away. Getting along well and having a lot in common with her isn't a strong enough bond that you should go into the lending business on her behalf. You may want to gently suggest to her that you don't wish to imperil the budding friendship you two have developed, and that she try a bank or other lender, a second mortgage, withdrawing funds from her retirement account, selling her car and buying a cheaper one, selling some of her possessions, taking on a second or third job, taking out an advance on her paycheck from her employer, or borrowing from a family member. If you suspect she's tried all of the above at one time or another and isn't welcome to try again, you'll know she's a poor risk for you to become financially involved with. Offer her the telephone number of a reputable credit counseling agency. If you still want to loan the money, ask to see her current credit report, bills and checking account statement. Find out more about why she has this debt: is she delinquent on thens of thousands of dollars of department store shopping spree bills, or did she go through an expensive medical setback that also left her unable to work for a time? Consider giving her the money outright so you don't have repayment issues. If you do decide to lend her money, be sure to get a notarized "promise to pay" statement from her before you hand over the funds. And if she balks at any of the above suggestions, you may not have to break up with her, as she may walk away from you.
Mari Answers: It's good that you found out sooner rather than later about this lady's financial situation. You say you share common values, interests and activities. If this budding relationship has any potential whatsoever, it is essential that you begin the way you mean to go on. You must take a stand for her getting herself on her own financial feet. My own personal opinion is to absolutely under no circumstances lend money to someone you hardly know. You are leaving yourself wide open to perpetuate the pattern and enable her. The best thing you could do at this stage is to suggest she seeks the help of a professional credit counselor. I am a big advocate of Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee's philosophy in their book "The New Couple". They recommend that BOTH people in a partnership are emotionally AND financially independent. As a result the relationship becomes much more solid and fulfilling.
Jimmy Answers: For me, this is a boundary issue. I don't believe this is a reasonable or appropriate request of Mitchell. So, I suggest Mitchell just say no and be authentic -- it doesn't feel right and doesn't seem appropriate. Healthy, rich and fulfilling relationships cannot come from need. Mitchell is not a bank. A loan would likely get in the way of the possible development of the relationship. And then there is the woman's issues(s). How did she get there? What is the plan for getting out of debt? Some good open ended questions, coupled with respect, empathy and good listening, would serve Mitchell well in this situation. Above all, he should listen to and trust that little voice that has his wisdom.
FEATURE ARTICLELadies- Is Your New Flame a Financial Partner or Financial Pitfall? The number one source of arguments among married couples is money. We spend money nearly every day of our lives for one reason or another, so imagine the potential for conflict if one of you is thrifty but the other spends extravagantly. When it comes to finances, a marriage partnership should harmonize, no matter how much you each earn. The traits described below are geared toward women in search of a husband, but these same principles can be applied to your search for the right person to love regardless of your gender or sexual orientation. Mr. Right: Has a stable job and is self-supporting. This means he can hold a job, put a roof over his own head, keep his car running, manage his own money and provide for himself without the help of a woman (like you) he just met. He'll enjoy buying you occasional gifts and won't withhold these favors as a means to control you. He doesn't take money from one area of his life (for paying bills, retirement, child support or nights on the town with you) and spend it disproportionately in another (say, gambling, internet porn sites, drugs, hobbies carried to the extreme, other women, business ventures with dismal potential). He can bankroll his business ventures without requiring your savings to do so. He can pull his own weight and manage his finances without your intervention. He has viable plans for the future. Rather than draining your finances, he adds to the fulfillment in your life; your bank account remains stable around him, instead of rapidly becoming depleted because you're lending him money. If he has children, he's involved in their lives and pays for their support. Mr. Wrong: Has long bouts of unemployment, is a financial sponge, is always broke, and will become more like a parasite than a husband if you marry him. He doesn't "believe" in buying you gifts, though he may buy them for others. He owes back taxes and/or child support and has no intention of paying them back. Indeed, he feels that the world "owes him" not the other way around. He looks for shortcuts to get out of fulfilling his financial obligations. He constantly has to borrow money (from you or others) to make ends meet. He has several children with several women and doesn't pay child-support he owes -- yet he blithely engages in unprotected sex with you. In fact, he doesn't really care much about or for his children from previous relationships. He has no ambition or career initiative, and any plans he may have for the future lack any grounding in the reality of today. He'll move in with you, then quit his job. Or he may ask you to quit your job and move in with him, then dump you after you give notice on your job and sell your home, but before you move in. The best thing he has to offer is his "potential." Quiz:
Marriage can either improve your financial status, leave it about the same, or bring it down. If you marry a man with thousands of dollars in overdue child support or back taxes, you'd better take precautions to ensure that his debt doesn't become yours. You must be certain you won't be the next woman in line trying to collect child support from him. Even a marriage made under the best intentions can collapse under huge financial pressures and demands. But if your man isn't financially sound, don't kid yourself -- he lacks the underlying character foundation to pull his share of the weight in your relationship. But if he has shown that he can hold a job and live up to his obligations, then he just may be your Mr. Right.
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