This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "What should be the minimum time from when you know the person for the first time and until you decide to marry him. I mean to ask what should be the necessary duration of courtship."
Signed, "Musica"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
MIKE ANSWERS:
Hi, Musica ...
I propose the real issue here is not really about time, but about the amount of discovery required, I'd be hesitant to suggest a hard-and-fast rule, though it is common sense that we certainly need to be with the person through a minimum of a full cycle of seasons, birthdates, anniversaries, etc. to ferret out potential hidden issues.
What's key is complete discovery. I'd suggest Eve Hogan's "Intellectual Foreplay" as an excellent source of hundreds of discovery questions. Then this: make sure you've had at least one tremendous challenge surface in your relationship to see if you two have "what it takes" to survive relationship "hits."
Make sure you experience a major disagreement or two ... conflict resolution skills are imperative for the long-term success of a relationship. Also, make sure you've uncovered as many family-of-origin issues as humanly possible. (They make us who we are, to a huge degree.) Finally, be in it long enough to get the perspective of your friends and family ... they're likely more unbiased than you are.
I'd make sure that you've had enough time to experience that your requirements have been met for at least 6 months before becoming engaged. The engagement period should be long enough for you to be able to plan and make arrangements for your life together and your wedding. A longer engagement might be prudent if you are in the middle of attaining a major goal, such as graduating from school.
A rule of thumb would be a minimum of 1 year from first meeting until becoming married, so you can experience all of the holidays together as a couple and have had a chance to get to know your partner's family since they will becoming your family after the wedding. The advantage of knowing a person for a longer period of time before joining your life together is that you get to see the consistency of their character.
There are at least ten ways that couples can experience attraction. Yet far too often, people act as if the only type of attraction that exists is physical chemistry. Sometimes a couple may need to bond intellectually or spiritually before they connect to that essential magical physical chemistry that everyone seeks and desires. This article will explore the ways that couples bond and experience attraction.
Physical
Physical attraction is based upon a mental image that we have in our head of the "perfect partner". When we see someone with these physical characteristics such as "tall, dark, and handsome" or "a blond bombshell". Somewhere in our psyche it registers as "this is THE ONE!!!" and hence the fireworks and chemistry. If you rely strictly on the initial fireworks, you could be walking away from your soul mate without even realizing it.
Material Other people are attracted to their partner for material reasons, such as money, possessions, or prestige. If you fall in love solely for financial reasons, your relationship will fluctuate based on the strength of the economy and the size of their bank account.
Intellectual When there is a willingness to be challenged intellectually and engage in stimulating conversation, there is often an enjoyable meeting of minds that can help solidify a relationship.
Interests People often connect through a shared interest. They may both love the same sports team; enjoy dancing; or playing a good game of chess. Whatever the common interest, it can prove to be the glue that will keep a relationship together.
Values
It is absolutely essential that a couple insist on their cherished values being compatible with their partner. If you compromise your values will be letting a vital part of yourself die. No relationship can be healthy and enjoyable if one person is feeling like their core values must be denied for the relationship to survive.
Humor
A fond attraction may start by finding someone who makes you laugh. The pleasurable sensations that come from laughter can help couples weather many a difficult time.
Lifestyle People may connect because they share similar lifestyles, such as being world travelers, being family-oriented, or being health conscious. There is a sense of comfort that comes from being about someone who lives his or her life in a similar fashion.
Creativity Some people are just the creative type. They are artistic, love poetry, or are the type that "thinks outside of the box". The creative juices of an individual may be that delightful spice that makes a relationship interesting.
Life purpose Individuals may find a strong attraction to another person because they share a similar life purpose (i.e. "save the whales", "stomp out child abuse", "feed the hungry", etc.). In many cases the passion that a person has for their cause will be transferred to a person who also shares the same passion.
Spiritual
Attraction based on common spiritual beliefs will cause a couple to approach life in a similar manner. They will make life decisions, celebrate holidays, and treat each other consistent with their common beliefs.
