This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I'm attracted to a woman who works in a local mall. I'd like to go up to her and talk to her, but am not sure how to do that. I don't know how to read a woman's body language and tell whether she's interested or not. What would you suggest?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
JOE ANSWERS:
I recommend you not try “reading” a woman's body language to see if she is interested in you. My experience in reading a woman's body language is that I never speak the same language as the woman and I always seem to misinterpret what she is saying. I can't tell you the kind of trouble I've gotten myself into. I suggest you be up front with what you want and ask directly. That way you will know for sure whether there is any interest on her part. You might start out by saying: “Hi! My name is xxxxx and I've seen you several times here in the mall. Would you be open to going out for dinner (or for coffee or for a soda or for a drink) next Saturday?” Whether she says “yes” or “no” you will know if she is interested and you can move forward without spending more energy on “wondering” what her body language is saying.
I wish you the best of luck; however, if you are looking for your life partner in this manner, you may have limited success. You are using a “Level One” attraction venue to meet potential partners and you are depending on “luck” to find a partner that shares your interests and what's important to you. To increase your likelihood of success, I suggest you take the time to learn more about how to attract the type of partner who may share the same interests as you. Also, creating some scouting, sorting, screening and testing strategies will help you in approaching women to whom you are attracted. Interested? A Relationship Coach can help guide you.
Warmest regards,
Joe Brattain
Brattain Coaching International
Committed to helping you develop effective, fulfilling relationships.
512-837-8261
512-832-1548 (fax)
TARA ANSWERS:
Most women need to feel safe, be it physically or emotionally before they can respond from a place of openness or receptivity. My suggestion is to take a simple, yet slow approach. Since the woman you're attracted to works at the mall, arrange to see her multiple times, over a period of time.
For example, for your first meeting, you might visit where she works. You can ask her questions about a product and make simple small talk. This will allow you to gauge her personality and overall receptiveness to you. Make sure you smile, say “hello”, thank you and add any other comments which fit the situation…perhaps inquiring as to how long she has worked there.
The next step would be to wait a couple of days and visit her again. Remind her that you met a few days ago and casually inquire if she might be interested in sharing coffee or a soda during her break or after work at the mall food court. By scheduling a prospective meeting in familiar surroundings, she will probably feel more comfortable accepting your request if she is, in fact, interested in you.
Make the “date” for a few days in the future, to give her more space and time to process your invitation. Offer her your work and home telephone number to call you to accept, while also offering to call her if that is what she might prefer. If she accepts your request, show up with a smile and a light heart and, most importantly, with the attitude of simply enjoying the company of someone you're attracted to.
Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
CoachPoint Executive & LifestyleCoaching coachpoint@msn.com
248.258.4882
LINDA ANSWERS:
First drop by and notice if she has any indicators that might suggest that she is currently in a relationship (i.e. a wedding or engagement ring, or “Love” jewelry, or being on the phone and using some terms of endearment such as “honey” that might suggest a romantic involvement with someone else, etc). If she passes the first test and appears to be available, just start being friendly to her on a repeat basis dropping by once a week and see if she is receptive.
Good conversation topics might include small talk about one of your interests and see if you can find a common bond (i.e. going to the gym, heading to the beach, or a concert, etc).
NOTE: Conversations about products in the store could cause you to misinterpret her interest to sell merchandise to get a commission as a romantic interest. After you've established a friendly rapport, take a risk and ask her out. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
One of the first things I ask my relationship coaching clients to do is work on their Life Purpose statement. If you don't know where you are going, how will you know when you get there?
There are many metaphors that can be assigned to the Life Purpose statement to. Here are some of my favorites:
Lighthouse - lighthouses were built along coastlines to protect ships from rocks and hazards, as the light guides travelers home. Your Life Purpose statement is your own personal lighthouse. As you travel through your life, keep an eye out for its light. It will guide you on decisions in alignment with your values.
Compass - a compass guides us to and helps orient us to our surroundings. In Orienteering you find a point to move to and use the compass to negotiate your way to that point. Your Life Purpose helps you do just that. It orients you to your surroundings and keeps you on track, always guiding you in the right direction.
Trail Markings - I love to hike on a marked trail. It makes the hike so much easier and keeps me from getting lost. Your Life Purpose statement contains the trail markings of your personal life trek. It skillfully guides you through the forest of your life as it keeps you on the trail and out of trouble.
Mile Marker - this is similar to trail markings for those who prefer traveling by car! Most roads have mile markers that let you know how far you have come and how much farther you need to go. Your Life Purpose does the same thing. Check in to see if where you are heading aligns with your Life Purpose statement and you'll stay on the right road.
Guardian Angel - a Life Purpose statement can be your Guardian Angel, sitting gently on your shoulder, making sure you're going in the right direction. Moving in alignment with your Life Purpose statement gets a big "thumbs up" from your Guardian Angel, who will warn you if what you're doing goes against your values.
North Star - "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight…." I like to say that on the North Star. On a clear night you can use the North Star to determine which direction you need to go. Your Life Purpose statement is your North Star. Check in with it and it will guide you. It never fails.
A Flight Plan - Pilots always file a flight plan before setting out on a trip. It let's everyone know the flight path and the estimated time of arrival, and helps them safely get where they're going. Your Life Purpose Statement is your flight plan for your life's journey.
The Harness and The Sword - (from Laurie Beth Jones "The Path - Creating Your Mission statement for Work and for Life") A harness joins you to what is and the sword cuts away all that is false. Your Life Purpose Statement joins you to your truth and your values, cutting away all that doesn't fit in with your intentional living.
GSP (Global Positioning Device) - what an exciting piece of technology! Just tap into the GSP and off you go! A Life Purpose statement is your own personal GSP. Check in with it to see how you should proceed based on where you are. If you get lost in the mire of everyday living, just check in with your Life Purpose statement and it gets you back on the right road. It's much easier making those hard choices when you have your Life Purpose statement as your personal GSP.
Jiminy Cricket - this is my personal favorite from the story of Pinocchio. Jiminy was Pinocchio's Life Purpose statement, always keeping Pinocchio on the straight and narrow. He kept Pinocchio from becoming a donkey and Pinocchio realized his dream of becoming a real boy. Your Life Purpose statement is your own personal Jiminy Cricket. Follow it faithfully and you will realize your dreams!
Your Life Purpose statement is the cornerstone of your relationship journey. Having that in place and following its guidance guarantees a fruitful relationship voyage. You will never settle or compromise your values. Just give a little whistle and always let your Life Purpose be your guide!
