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Member News August 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: THE COACHES RESPOND: MIKE ANSWERS: My suggestion: either (a) be patient and wait the many months required to discover the genuine character of your partner (not unwise at all,) or (b) generate some situations that will more quickly test for each of the character traits you seek. Examples: kindness ... visit a children's or homeless shelter in the inner city together. tolerance ... visit a church with strongly divergent views than his/hers. patience ... be late (unprepared) when he picks you up for an event he is strongly looking forward to, etc.
YVONNE ANSWERS: Another example would be honesty. If someone says to you that they are honest - do they lie on their time sheet? Do they steal from their employer? If they go shopping and receive too much change do they return the excess change or do they keep it? To see if they are adaptable to life's surprises, watch to see how they handle a sudden change like being laid off from their job. Do they freak out and lose their mind or do they calmly accept this change? Observation is the key. Many people talk a good talk but the truth shines through in how we live our lives daily. So if I were you, I would keep my eyes peeled and remember - when people show you who they are, believe them!
JACKIE ANSWERS: Then when you are engaging in lively conversations with prospects and you are listening carefully, you will be able to hear the important clues they'll give you about themselves in their conversation. For example, I will always open a door for a person in a wheelchair or for an elderly or infirmed person at every opportunity, even if I have to wait for them. For me, that would be an example of kindness. If you are listening for "doing the right thing", tell a story of someone "doing the right thing" and listen for the reaction. I know a woman who bought a double opera length strand of pearls at a garage sale for $20. She took them to a jewelry store to be cleaned. When she picked them up the jeweler asked her if she had them insured because they were worth $35,000. The woman immediately went back to the home of the woman from whom she had purchased the pearls. She told the woman her story and said she could not keep them. The old woman asked her if she liked the pearls. She said she loved them and had always wanted just such a pair and never thought she would ever have something so beautiful. The old woman said, "Then they should be yours, my dear. Enjoy them and wear them for many years in good health". When I tell this true story I am sometimes heartened and sometimes disappointed at people's reaction. Get as clear as you can about what is means to be emotionally healthy, of strong character and so forth and then go out and tell you stories and listen for stories that match for you!
KEN ANSWERS: Be as certain as you can that all of these elements are requirements and not wants or needs. Then for each requirement, make a list of the kind of actions or behaviors which would demonstrate that characteristic. For example, if a man is kind, what does he do that demonstrates kindness? What kinds of things would he say? If he is very autonomous, what does that look like? What kinds of things does he say and do that reflect autonomy? What does he say and do that demonstrate being tolerant of divergent views? Then, watch carefully for the words and behaviors that you have identified, as opposed to trying to identify the more global traits. Think of yourself as being on a treasure hunt. Your goal is to learn as much about your companion as you can. Ask questions. It is all too rare in life to find someone who will really listen to us. If you ask your companion about himself and listen carefully, you can put him at ease and allow him the energizing experience of being heard, and get many of your questions answered at the same time.
FEATURE ARTICLETOP TEN TIPS FOR YOUR FIRST DATE Navigating through the choppy waters of a first date can be anxiety provoking. Here are a few tips to help make your experience a smoother sail. I hope you enjoy them! 1. Be on time. Whether you are meeting at a local restaurant or he is picking you up at your place, be sure to be on time. This shows that you are dependable and considerate of your date's valuable time. 2. Be yourself. Yes, there is a tendency to put yourself in the best light. After all, who enjoys being rejected? Just make sure that you are yourself. Don't create stories to make you appear like a corporate titan or Martha Stewart, if you are not. You will eventually be found out. So being honest and genuine is the best policy in the long run. 3. Let go of expectations. You've decided to go out on this date. You secretly hope you've found "THE ONE". Having strongly held expectations could set you up for disappointments. You could be missing the red flags because you are vested in your date being "THE ONE". Just show up and let things evolve naturally. You may find a good friend, a tennis partner, or a good business contact. 4. Be prepared with some conversations starters. You may be on a blind date or know very little about this person. You dread the awkward moments of dead silence. Come prepared with some good old standby conversation starters. You'll be glad you did. 5. Allow your date conversation time. There is a tendency if nervous, to fill quiet moments with frenzied conversation about you. Remember to allow L---O---N---G enough pauses in your conversation; your date may not be able to jump in on conversations as quick as normal due to the first-date jitters. Part of the reason you are going out with this person is to find out about them. So do not monopolize the conversation! 6. Pace yourself on self-disclosure. There is a time and a season for everything. The first date is not the time to share about your criminal record when you were 18 and under the influence, or your recent diagnosis of an itch in a private place. You and your date are out for a good time. Avoid serious topics until you know this person fairly well. 7. Enjoy the experience. If you realize 10 minutes into the date that this person is not "THE ONE", how do you manage to finish the date? Enjoy the meal, the scenery, and the clarity that you are gaining on what you do not want. This can be a valuable learning experience that will allow you to develop some screening questions for future reference or become aware of those little red flags that you chose to ignore. 8. Be observant. When you are being observant, you will gather very important information. Does your date complain a lot about bosses, the service, and their ex? Beware: you will be next. Does your date become easily agitated by the minor everyday annoyances such long red lights, waiting in line, and a change in plans? Watch out, you may be his or her next source of irritation. Does your date use foul language? Are you really sure you want a steady diet of profanity? 9. Pace yourself on romantic involvement. If you discover there's that magical physical chemistry you hope and pray for, you are delighted! Take a deep breath and pace yourself. Happy relationships require a connection on many different levels (i.e. intellect, humor, recreational activities, values, spirituality, etc). Make sure you connect on more than just one level, before you let your hormones run the show. Haven't you had your heart run through the gut-wrenching emotional mill enough times? Just take it slow. 10. Gracefully handling the "Good-nights". The end of a first date has lots of anxious moments. "Is he going to kiss me?" Be patient without expectations. If there is mutual chemistry on many levels, you'll eventually kiss. Don't force things. "Do I really want to go out with her again?" Be prepared to gently let your date down if you are not interested. Just be honest and tactful. We've all had our heart stomped on many times. So remember, what goes around, comes around.
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