Single? Seeking
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Member News May 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I've been out of the dating scene for about 5 years now, and I've changed and grown a lot as a person in that time. Now that I'm ready to get out there again, I'm afraid of sinking into my old patterns and behaviors that aren't healthy. How can I keep from going backwards?" THE COACHES RESPOND: TARA ANSWERS: I suggest going one step further. Using a blank sheet of paper, create two columns. On one side, enumerate your old patterns and unproductive behaviors. In the next, write down a positive and alternative course of action. Not only will this simple exercise bring to the foreground that you, in fact, know better actions to take right now, it can also serve as a handy reference to keep you on track in the future.
MAYA ANSWERS: You have obviously come a long way, but it sounds to me like you are playing some old 'mind movies' and over associating with the lead character. It can be very scary to move forward in life while looking backward on times we want to leave behind, so perhaps now is a good time to revise your way of thinking, and consider editing and re-crafting your script. If you were able to rewrite the story of your romantic life, with all the knowledge, wisdom and experience you have gained in the past 5 years, how would the story be different? As the Director of your life movie what will you bring to your main character that will guarantee her success? What will she learn about relationships by playing out the new role you have written for her? How will she change in real time, in the here and now through your love, commitment and attention? Remember, it is insightful questions that lead us to revealing answers. We become what we think about and consider every day, so look forward with the future in mind; gather the inner and outer resources to make the journey easier and get the support you need.
PATTI ANSWERS:
LINDA ANSWERS: Think of all of the relationships you've had in the past. Did you end up breaking up for the same reasons (i.e. partner had a violent temper, or partner not interested in a long-term relationship)? Get help from a relationship coach to determine what unresolved issues causes you to be attracted to the same type of person. Determine what your requirements (non-negotiables), needs (strong desires, but can be negotiated) and wants (added bonuses) are. Develop sorting techniques (pointed questions or strategies) to weed out undesirables without investing a lot of time, energy, and heart into the relationship. Elicit the help of your close friends or a relationship coach to keep on track to your commitment to yourself. May you always experience love and joy.
FEATURE ARTICLEPlanning Isn't Just for Businesses: I spent the last decade of my career in the area of corporate finance and planning. Lesson learned: you can't have and run a successful business without a plan. Interestingly, I've discovered this same principle applies to relationships. The framework of a business plan and its implementation strategy is the perfect analogy to a successful single crafting their own plan and strategy to find their desired life partner. A business plan, in simplified terms, provides a framework to define three things:
In a similar way, a successful single, seeking a life partner, can define these same elements.
A relationship plan, customized to your requirements, can serve as a roadmap to guide you from singlehood to a relationship of choice. For most singles, current methods of meeting potential life partners are often unstructured, chaotic, and unplanned. Further fueling the problem are such television shows as "Joe Millionaire" and "The Bachelor/Bachelorette", which leave many feeling that they either better have a lot of money, or look like a model, if they want to find anyone at all! Singles are often unclear as to what they want when it comes to a relationship. If you lack clarity, it's difficult, if not impossible, to define what you do and don't want when it comes to a life partner. As a result, you may enter into unhealthy or even unsafe situations which may lead to further disappointment. When you don't know what you're looking for, you can end up with just about anything. For today's evolved singles, most are not willing to settle - they want much more. A relationship plan can provide you with a much needed structure to an otherwise unstructured process. By defining your vision and deciding what you want for your life, you can create a viable and workable strategy to achieve it. Collaborating with a coach can provide valuable insight and challenge throughout this journey. First, define your vision. A vision is what you see as possible for yourself. One powerful exercise involves drawing upon all senses to paint a vivid picture of how you envision your perfect life, with your ideal partner, making sure to capture the depth and richness of the experience in as much detail as possible. Paint the picture in words, or if desired, in a collage. By committing these important creations to paper, you'll get more deeply in touch with who you are and what you want. The next question to answer is "What do I want?" By defining your relationship requirements, needs and wants, you can create a valuable "checklist" to evaluate potential partners. Go one step further to create a partner profile, including desired age, lifestyle, interests and personality traits. When you know what you want, it's easier to find it. Your quest for a life partner becomes one driven by vision and criteria, and not by circumstance. Finally you need to craft your dating strategy. Be clear as to the type of relationship you want, what your expectations are, and your criteria for commitment. Create a dating plan, enumerating places where you might meet singles. Commit your criteria to memory so you have a strategy for sorting out the various candidates (use your checklist!). And, as with any effective business plan, support from others is crucial. Enlist family and friends for support and advice! As a successful single, you no longer need to look at finding a prospective life partner as a random act, without purpose or process. You no longer need to waste valuable time and energy pursuing options which will lead nowhere. Just like a successfully run company, you can have a clear, defined plan for moving yourself from where you are today into a relationship congruent with your vision. With a plan, you know who you are, what you want, and how you're going to get there. A plan keeps you on track, aligned with your vision. With this powerful tool, you can operate from a place of awareness - making better decisions with your head and your heart. Planning isn't just for successful companies; it's a necessity for today's successful single.
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