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Member News April 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches. THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:"I keep meeting people who don't seem interested in establishing a committed relationship. What can I do?" THE COACHES RESPOND: LINDA ANSWERS:
KATHERIN ANSWERS: If you are truly searching for a life partner that you want to commit to - say so! Let your dates know that you are looking for a life partner, not just a recreational date. Be clear, early in the dating process. Also, be sure to spend time at appropriate venues, not places where singles come just for fun. And, let your friends and family members know your intention so they can assist you. Know your requirements in a relationship and be clear. When intimacy grows and fits both parties, it is because it is based on friendship, caring, warmth, vulnerability and love. That love includes mutual respect and trust, as well as sexual delight. Take your time in your search for your life partner and enjoy the process.
MARI ANSWERS: I would invite you to look at two areas:
Put your focus on having fun, making friends of both genders, living a life that is fun and interesting to you, and you will attract more compatible partners!
FEATURE ARTICLEWHO’S JOB IS IT? Taking Personal Responsibility Taking personal responsibility is a skill that EVERYONE can learn. It might take some practice, but once you understand the concepts, it actually becomes easier! There are four main “knowings” that I believe are at the heart of personal responsibility. 1. KNOW THAT YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR JOB. You happiness is YOUR job, not your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s job, not your parents’ job. It does not come from any source that is outside of you. It comes from within. Expecting someone else to “make me happy” is setting us up for serious disappointment. Yet that’s one of the most prevalent myths about relationships. The people around us can enrich our lives, or add challenges to our lives, but none of them can make us happy, sad, angry or anything else in between. “Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response”. (Michael Bartel) Whether you are happy or unhappy is completely up to you. How many people do you know who run from relationship to relationship, hoping to find someone to make them happy? It’s the classic example of “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Look inside and discover that place where happiness grows and flourishes first. When you accept that your happiness is your job, and not your partner’s or anyone else’s, it takes the burden off them to fulfill that expectation. 2. KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS AT CHOICE. Taking personal responsibility in your life also means that you know you always have a choice. You really don’t HAVE to do anything! Even though you choose to go out with someone for a variety of different reasons, you don’t HAVE to. You might end up marrying someone that is not a good partner choice, but you don’t HAVE to. You are a being of choice. Being at choice is a very powerful place to be. When you make decisions in your life that are in alignment with what you value and believe in, and with a clear vision for your future, those decisions have a unique kind of energy that can take you places you never even dreamed of! 3. KNOW THAT YOUR CHOICES HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Every decision you make has a consequence attached to it, no matter how small. Taking personal responsibility in your life means being willing to accept the consequences of those decisions. If you choose to blow off work, you probably have a good idea what the consequences are, and by making that choice, you are accepting those consequences. If you get to “I DO”, knowing that your partner is not the right one for you, but perhaps “good enough”, the consequences of that choice will be that your marriage will always be just “good enough”. Refusing to blame others for your choices and mistakes is one of the highest levels of personal responsibility. It’s often easier to blame someone else, but when you do that, you give away your own power and integrity. When you make conscious choices based on an awareness of the possible outcomes, and you are willing to face those outcomes, your power stays in your control and your integrity remains intact. 4. KNOW THAT YOU ARE HUMAN. I don’t mean that you are “only” human, I mean that you are exceedingly and exquisitely human! It’s our humanness that gives us the opportunity to learn and grow, to live our dreams, and to succeed. We have the ability to learn form our mistakes, and make better choices the next time. We can choose to be happy, regardless of our circumstances. One of my favorite quotes is: “Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes form poor judgement.” You don’t get to good judgement without having the poor judgement first. That things going wrong is an integral part of the journey. If you decide that the relationships in your life are your teachers, and choose to learn from them and make better choices in your next relationship, then none of them are failures! Are you trying to be perfect to attract a partner? Or are you looking for the perfect partner? Well, give it up! But if you’re looking for a rich, juicy relationship with a real human being, and you’re ready to be a real human being yourself, then go for it! Learning to take personal responsibility in every area of your life is a life-long process. It doesn’t happen overnight. But as you get more adept at it, the people around you will notice, and they will respect you more. You will respect yourself more, too. You will attract people into your life that support your efforts, and will help you grow beyond “good enough”. If you want a partner who has these “knowings”, doesn’t it make sense for you to “know” it too?
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