This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"I want to try an online personal ad, but don't know what to say. What should I say in an ad that will make it sound appealing and attractive?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
LINDA ANSWERS:
Make sure you have an eye-catching positive headline. After all, a headline on a personal ad is much like a title of a book, if it is not intriguing, then no one is going to take a closer look. The headline should capture the essence of who you are, or who you are trying to attract (for example: Positive Upbeat Gal Seeks Partner for Good Times, or Seeking Intelligent Fun-loving Gentleman). Avoid any headlines that are depressing or indicate insecurities (for example: Lonely in Florida, or Tired of Being Single). Advertise yourself in a positive light. If you are stumped, ask your friends to tell you what your sterling qualities are and be sure to include that in your ad. Be on the light side, share your favorite interests and hobbies. Be specific in writing your ad including your requirements. The more specific you are the better the chances that someone will respond to your ad that is a good match for you. Remember one qualified respondent is better than having dozens of un-qualified respondents that are not suitable for you.
CHRISTINE ANSWERS:
Your ad will sound appealing and attractive to the kind of person you are seeking when it authentically reflects who you are and what you are looking for. The biggest mistake people make in writing personal ads is trying to attract quantity rather than quality. You don't want your ad to attract a lot of people - you want it to attract compatible people. First get clear about who you are - what are your core values? Your personal philosophy and life vision? How do you view the world? What interpersonal skills and qualities do you bring to a relationship? How would you describe your personality and virtues? Then get clear about what you need in a relationship. What are the non-negotiables? What do you absolutely need in a relationship for it to be successful? Then compose your ad in a way that represents the essence of who you are and what you need. Don't try to impress - just be as specific and descriptive as you can. When a compatible person reads your ad they will recognize you as a kindred spirit - all the others will pass you by...which is exactly what you want. A personal ad can be an excellent screening tool when skillfully composed.
MIKE ANSWERS:
Hi, Internet Dater ...
(1) This is not a sales presentation. Be yourself. Be honest. Do not be 'sales-ey.' The very person you're looking to meet may pass right over your hype.
(2) Ask yourself, 'What do I bring to a relationship that
would make my future partner want to be with me, and uniquely me?' What will he/she most appreciate about me once he/she gets to know me?'
(3) Write the ad from the READER's perspective, not your own. Speak HIS/HER language. Read ads. Ask yourself what makes some attractive to you and others not. You will be attracted to the ads that are most consistent with your personality.
(4) Don't get too intense too soon. We're attracted to someone FIRST for shallow reasons, THEN retained by the deeper ones, it seems. Have fun. Be fun. Be the you that wants to come out (with integrity ... don't exaggerate.) Have fun ... the JOURNEY can be a blast, even though the destination is ultimately the reason we're in this.
SORAYA ANSWERS:
Here are just a few tips for writing an ad:
Make Your "Headline" Or Caption Intriguing. One way to do that is pull them into your profile by starting your caption off with just the beginning of a question or a part of a famous quote you really like. People are often curious and will click on your ad to see the rest of what you were saying. You can then finish the rest of the question or quotation at the very beginning of your profile (or not).
Write about the things you want in a relationship or partner (i.e., values, interests, traits, etc.) and not about what you don't want. Share some of your own top values, interests, and traits, too. Keep the tone of your ad and your communications positive. Being honest, sincere, and authentic about who you are is very attractive!
Be brief and specific. The goal of your ad is to share enough about yourself so someone can determine if they'd like to exchange a few emails and get to know you better. For instance, you can include the fact that you like going to see movies and concerts, and even include the names of a couple that you've recently seen or want to see. Save the details about the concert and all the reasons why you liked the movie for later on when you're talking or exchanging emails.
Soraya Khalili
Business, Personal and Relationship Coaching
(408) 261-3332 ext. 31 (soraya@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com)
(408) 314-2906 (coachsoraya@lifeworksuccess.com)
SANDEE ANSWERS:
By all means try an online personal ad. People are meeting potential partners in cyberspace on a daily basis. Online dating has definitely come of age. In my workshops on Internet dating I always stress the following points. First, post a current picture of yourself; the operative word here is current. Then follow these rules in writing your ad:
Be honest - lying will come back to haunt you.
Don't be attached to the outcome, whatever happens, happens.
Don't put on any false airs. Write your ad just like you speak, with your own wording, phrases, etc. Just be you.
Do not put a great deal of personal information into your ad. There is time for this later, when you get to know each other. Keep it short, you don't need to put in your whole life story.
Let your ad give the impression that you are having fun with it - you should be!
Now submit your ad and enjoy! But don't forget to always totally screen every response thoroughly, and then screen again.
Sandee Abern
Singles Coach
Let's Talk
(847) 634-3704 sandeeabern@aol.com
Interested in speed coaching? Give me a call.
FEATURE ARTICLE
The Art of Traveling Alone
By Paula Iland
The festive season alone. As a single, this can terrify as much as the prospect of tap dancing naked in Times Square on Saturday night singing "Love, Love Me Do!"
Why so daunting? Unappealing?
Is it the thought of being a pariah whilst the rest of the world has a full social calendar? Laughter and gaiety!
Or so it seems.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Carpe Diem! Choose a fun holiday. Company. Adventure. Something that will put a 'big grin' on your face. Check the web: 'holidays for singles.' Or consult your travel agent. Go somewhere you've never been before! And if company is what you crave, select an organized tour. Taking the single plunge opens up vast possibilities.
Of course the organized tour can be both good and bad. You have company. Luggage taken care of. Day trips organized with an expert guide. Food in abundance. But will anyone share your interests? Well, in the end, everyone's got a story, a cross to bear, joys and sorrows they'd love to share. Lots can happen if you dare. So trust. Take a deep breath. Write out the check.
Start packing.
Recently I took my own advice and arrived in Hobart, Tasmania. Time for a quick lunch before the tour began. Everyone was still busy downing eggs and bacon. As a vegetarian I wanted a salad. As a woman I wanted a partner. As a human I wanted company. So I smiled at a couple who were passing by. The café was crowded and they asked me if they could join me. Yes, I gasped, delightedly eating my delicious salad. They saw my biographies of Peggy Guggenheim and Bette Davis - I shared about my passion for theatre and art. I felt pleased. And all I'd done was smile.
Look interesting and interested. People will naturally be attracted to your orbit. After this promising interlude I rushed back to the hotel to meet my coach companions.
So with whom would I sit amongst this motley crew of old and young, men and women? A flirtatious, fit octogenarian winked at me-so I sat next to him! We laughed all the way to the Huon Valley where we did a walk among the treetops. I shared about my vertigo. He was kind. Supportive. I felt optimistic. Grateful. Time for afternoon tea. Should I sit alone or brazenly approach someone else? Yes! Brave it out! You never know what you'll learn, whom you'll attract, what you'll experience. All fodder for your art, your work, your growth.
Although your meal companions may differ vastly in their life experiences, professions, interests, if you are willing to learn about their worlds, they may reciprocate. Married couples, in particular, are grateful for the company of singles: our escapades; Internet dating, the pros and cons of singledom; sex! Act like the host at your own party. Talk to everyone. Make everyone feel comfortable. Visualize having a great time. Take off the mask. Be fully self-expressed. Dance! People will love you for who you really are.
If you can, save up for the single supplement so you are free to take time out to be alone and rejuvenate yourself. Immerse yourself in your own thoughts rather than struggle with small talk, if that abounds! Though at all costs be sociable. You never know when someone of like-mind will make themselves known to you. Together you can skip the brewery tour and sip strawberry daiquiris instead! And when alone, write postcards, buy gifts for your loved ones back home. Take yourself to the best restaurants. Although often not a comfortable experience, it is usually more uncomfortable for the waiters who gush and flatter and fuss. Always dress up, say your confidence boosting affirmations and carry an excellent book. Why should you hide in your hotel room when you can eat mushroom and asparagus risotto cooked to perfection, followed by a heavenly meringue chocolate chip dessert. And wash it down with a lively Verdelho. The thing is to be comfy with being uncomfortably single whilst the buzz of everyone else's conversation almost deafens you.
For my money the group experience is the way to go. The bottom line is attitude. Believe you'll have fun. Treat people with generosity and respect. Balance company with solitude. Never wait for another to give you a good time-give it to yourself.
In a world designed for couples, know that it is not only acceptable, but wonderful to be single. Make solo travel something to anticipate and enjoy the adventure to the utmost.
'Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting - So...get on your way!' ~ Dr Seuss
