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Member News September 2002
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: KATHLEEN ANSWERS: What is different about you now that will help you know for sure that you are seeing things as they are, not how you would like them to be in this relationship? Those answers should be a clue. Knowing for sure without doubt is difficult, but if you remain honest with yourself and don't rush the pre-commitment stage, you will be closer to your ideal relationship than ever before. I wish for you what you desire in this one!
CHARLIE ANSWERS If he's exhibiting certain behaviors with which you're familiar because you've seen them as signs of substance abuse in your past relationships, these behaviors are clear "red flags" for you about your present partner and need to be addressed as such. However, if the only reason for your concern at present is your relationship history, then you need to recognize and acknowledge the reality of your current relationship and be aware of the filters and belief systems which may be distorting your perceptions. In either case, it's important that you share truthfully with the man you're dating. Be careful to let him know that much of what you're feeling or noticing is about you and is colored by your past. If you have some specific concerns about his behavior, you might want to share these red flags as, noting again that they are YOUR red flags and not necessarily universal signs of substance abuse. Be sure to validate and acknowledge all the positive things you see about your relationship. It takes courage to share your concerns, but until you do, you will not be able to fully examine them realistically, and separate them from the shadows of your fears and interpretations.
MARSHA ANSWERS Some people might say that if it seems that way, it is. I'm not one of them. It is more likely that you have tightened up your ability to make more effective choices in a relationship. I encourage you to take your time and enjoy the pre-commitment stage of this relationship thoroughly, while continuing to observe and assess potential substance abuse behaviors. If he is "the one," he'll understand and honor your wishes as well as your concerns. All the best! Marsha Meyer Murphy CSW FEATURE ARTICLE(This month we have the privilege of featuring three of our veteran LPQ coaches who are sharing the spotlight!) CONSIDER AUTHENTICITY By Michael CohenI've been hearing a lot from people lately who are looking for love. Maybe it's the allure of summer romance or the freedom that warm weather affords us to be outdoors and more active. Whatever the cause, I know that a lot of us are seeking partnerships. I am curious about the effectiveness of using the internet as an attraction venue. I know a lot of people who use sites like Yahoo! Personals, Match.com and One-and-only.com. Mostly what I hear is the frustration these folks experience when they meet other people who are very different in person than they were online. Makes me think about truth in advertising. It's so hard to just be ourselves these days. There are so many pressures to be more-- "whatever" -- thinner than, richer than, younger than, more muscular than -- we might really be. We are a culture that so values perfectionism. We have become very intolerant of differences and influenced by what can be called a "cloning factor." If everyone shops at The Gap, we will all look exactly alike. How perfectly boring. If you are putting yourself our there to find a partner these days, I urge you to look at yourself and identify what makes you unique. What makes you the special individual that you are? Make a list of adjectives that describe you. Consider sharing your list with a close and trusted friend, and ask if you are seeing yourself realistically. More importantly, check if you are undermining some of your individuality in an attempt to "advertise" or "market" yourself? Authentic presentation of yourself will no doubt attract the kind of people you want to be with. This involves self-awareness and self-acceptance. Both of these require honesty and mindful practice. Michael J. Cohen, M.S.W. IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME by David BentleyPerhaps it's a Freudian slip, but many of my clients seem confused lately about the lyrics to "Porgy and Bess." The words guiding them are: "Summertime, and the LOVING is easy." Of course with lightweight clothing that clings to every bulge and curve, tank tops, short shorts, bikinis and thongs, who wouldn't get those words mixed up? Everyone's heading to the beach or the mountains, going on vacations, reading trashy novels, and enjoying many diversions which occur during the hot days of summer. With a whole year of dreams and expectations in tow, we often look for Mr./Ms. "Right," and if he/she is not easily found, we settle for Mr./Ms. "Right Now." Then we're surprised when our romantic dreams don't work out the way we expected. Have you actually thought about what you're seeking, or have you filled your head with too many TV commercials and romance novels? Are you looking for a long-term, committed relationship, or a gorgeous body begging for sex? Or maybe something between these two extremes? Just like the lyrics to Alice's Restaurant, "you can have anything you want." The catch is that you have to be clear about what it is that you want. How many times have you heard someone say, "Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it?" Well guess what, that saying holds true for relationships, too -- even the romantic ones. So, grab a cool, refreshing drink. Go sit under a shade tree or an air conditioner vent. Then write down the characteristics you want, both in a romantic partner and in the relationship itself. When you know exactly what you're looking for, the loving may truly be easier. David Bentley, M.Ed. and Personal Coach Squeeze The Juice! - by Salila ShenSummer is a wonderful time for love. It's a time when we tend to take more time off, wear fewer clothes, play more, become more active, spend more time in nature, and generally loosen up. If we're partnered, we tend to plan trips together to take a break from our overloaded lives. If we're single we might feel alone and be longing for intimacy, or we might have taken excellent care of ourselves by creating several fun events to share with friends or family. If we've just broken up with a partner, it's possible that we feel disoriented, much like someone who's spending the first holiday alone after the death of a spouse. If we've just fallen in love, we may be feeling euphoric as endorphins surge through our bodies and all colors of the rainbow seem bright and beautiful like never before. If you are single, are there some risks you'd like to take this summer around attracting a partner? Have you thought about re-examining your internal image of your ideal mate to be sure it's fresh and up-to-date? Is there unfinished business that is preventing you from being completely ready and available for meeting someone? How about handling that in the next week? Would that be freeing? Above all, don't forget that, regardless of our relationship status, we still have our precious selves. There are abundant summer activities we can enjoy by ourselves or without partners, if we consciously choose to seize the season and squeeze the juice out of it! What would bring you great joy to experience during the next month? Design a special day to spend nurturing yourself by doing something you love or by simply being. Salila Shen, Professional Certified Coach |
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