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August 2002

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who had a double mastectomy. I had a problem with it, but didn’t let her know, just very infrequent sex. After a while, it didn’t matter so much and I knew I loved her for who she is, loved her a great deal. She left me, couldn’t take the rejection anymore and now the shoe is on the other foot. I still love her so much, it hurts me every day not to see her. What can I do?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

KATHLEEN ANSWERS:
Well I believe honesty may be just what you both need here. You sound as if you are being honest with yourself now, which is really important. Are you ready to be 100% honest and open with her? Remember you can't change what you don't acknowledge.

Be willing to let go of the outcome whether she decides to return, to start up communication, or whatever and say what needs to be said. She deserves the truth no matter which way this goes.

Forgive yourself for not being able to do this sooner and do it now. No matter the outcome, you will be a better person for taking responsibility for what you have and want in your life. Best to you.

Kathleen A. Marvelli
www.prioritieslifecoaching.com
"Create your best life"

BARRY ANSWERS:
Having gone through a double mastectomy, this person surely has had to face the issue of rejection more than once. I'm wondering what your communication with her was while you were together and when she left you. One place to start is to ask her how willing she is to talk about her thoughts and feelings regarding your relationship. Be clear about what you want from the communication and be prepared to ask for what you want. It will also help to be sensitive to how it must be to be in her place and her needs. How willing are you to accept a different kind of relationship from the one you had before? The outcome will surely depend on how well you are able to listen to each other so that both of you feel heard.

Barry North
Coaching for Life and Relationship Success
www.coachbarry.com
barry@coachbarry.com
(206) 283-4740

RACHNA ANSERS:
I believe the simplest and easiest way to mend this rupture would be to start by contacting your friend and letting her know that you're very sorry for hurting her- that you did have some difficulties with her surgery, but have since realized that you love her for who she is, and that you miss her. Ask her if you two could meet at a convenient place and talk about this. If you can honestly share your feelings and your regrets, and she is able to overcome her anger and sadness, you both can guide your connection to a new level of intimacy. Good luck!

Dr. Rachna D. Jain
Coach ~ Author ~ Speaker ~ Psychologist
www.ExcelWithEaseCoaching.com
410-772-3758

MARY ANN ANSWERS:
It is normal to experience pain after the ending of a relationship, regardless of the circumstances. As you come out of the pain – and you will, you will become stronger. I would like to offer you some questions to consider as you reflect on the relationship: What is it about the relationship and your girlfriend that you miss? Was the relationship mutually beneficial and offering you both contentment and happiness? Could you envision yourself in this relationship for an indefinite term? Give yourself some time to think about the past 2-years, and your own values and goals. After processing your thoughts, you may feel that the relationship would have eventually ended. In that case, give yourself space to learn, to grow, and to move forward. Perhaps you may feel that you have not been open in communicating your true feelings during the relationship and you want it to continue. It may be difficult to find peace if you do not express your feelings to her. If she is not receptive, find peace in the fact that you gave an attempt to be understood. Good luck!

Mary Ann Mineghino, MA
Two The Heart Relationship Success Services
800.414.6058
MaryK@twotheheart.com
www.twotheheart.com

FEATURE ARTICLE

SINGLE? BEWARE OF FORBES’ "BEST CITIES" LIST
By Ken Donaldson

Beware singles...you are about to be invited into a deception regarding the singles scene. According to Forbes.com "Best Cities for Singles" list, you may or may not live an area that will invite "successful singlehood". But before you pack your bags and move to Washington, D.C. or Miami ( numbers 1 and 2 on the list), you might want to re-evaluate the situation. The calculation of these "statistics" was based on the following: number of nightclubs, bars, restaurants, museums, sports teams, and theaters; university population; projected job growth and cost of living estimates; and some magical Forbes "buzz factor" for public perception. At first glance this may seem quite convincing, but lets look at what really counts.

I have never known a bar, restaurant, museum, or even the cost of living, make anyone more successful in their relationships. It is truly what is in the heart that makes relationships work. The path of being a successful single starts within. Single people who know their values, purpose, relationship requirements and "deal-breakers", compatibility needs, and relationship patterns have a higher likelihood of being successful in finding a lasting relationship than even those who live #1 ranked Washington, D.C.

The 82 million singles (40% of the population, according to the 2000 census) in the U.S. are a multi-billion dollar business today. According to the latest edition of Bottom Line magazine, the world’s largest dating web site, Match.com, has over three million profiles posted. In addition, there are literally hundreds of other dating web sites, all charging anywhere from $6.95 to $24.95 per month for their services. Add to this professional singles groups (that often charge $1,000, or more, per year for membership), matchmaker companies, and traditional personal ads, and you can see how big the singles industry is today. And yet with this wonderful technology, why do we still have between a 40 and 60% divorce rate? Because it is the inside of a person that makes the relationship, not the outer influences.

Healthy self-esteem, a positive support community, a balanced lifestyle, and a non fear-based outlook of life, are the necessary ingredients in building a solid foundation of singlehood. If we read Forbes and buy into the singles scarcity myth, our fear drives us to settle for less, and when we settle for less, we get less. This is the cycle that perpetuates relationship failure.

Here’s a metaphor that represents these dynamics: Imagine a house, a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. However, in the foundation of this house there are some cracks. For a while these cracks have no effect. However, after time passes and the continual weight of the structure puts pressure on these cracks, they begin to grow. The foundation shifts and the walls start to crack, the windows break, the doors jam and the roof leaks. The outer appearance does not matter, but rather, the inner foundation is what it all rests on. It is our personal foundation that will make all the difference in our relationship success. The more we know ourselves and the more conscious we operate, the more successful we will be in our relationships, as well as all parts of our lives.

For people who feel ill equipped or lost in this relationship process, hiring a life and relationship coach can assist in creating a more empowered and conscious life. A coach offers support, guidance, information and feedback to build and sustain a more balanced and empowering life. Just like no athlete can be at his or her best without a coach, so it is in this game of life. Coaches help us to be more successful in all arenas of our lives.

So here’s a challenge for all of you singles out there: Build a powerful and strong foundation for yourself and your life, commit to a more powerful and enlightening relationship with that person in the mirror...you won’t be disappointed. And, don't move to Miami or Washington, D.C.: you will find everything you need for a successful life and relationship right where you are!

"Illuminating and Inspiring Brilliance"
Ken Donaldson, M.A., L.M.H.C.
Life and Relationship Coach
Founder of REALationships 101
Center for New Direction
727-392-2812
keni.lee@verizon.net