This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"I've been dating this man for about one month. He tells me he really thinks I'm special. But, he seems to be comparing me to his ex-wife. How can I handle this situation so as not to offend him? I'd really like this to work."
THE COACHES RESPOND:
PATTI ANSWERS:
I would simply let him know that you really like him and appreciate that he thinks you are special, but you request that he appreciate you for yourself and not in reference to his ex-wife. If may be a matter of simply making him aware of what he is doing. If he can't honor your request, you will want to explore this more deeply with him.
Patti Lustig
The Relationships Coaching Network
612-287-0387 www.pattilustig.com
CHARLIE ANSWERS:
My recommendation in this situation is, in the words of a colleague of mine, to "tell the truth, faster".
Your feelings are very real for you and seem to be getting in the way of developing greater intimacy with the new man in your life. Waiting to discuss this issue with him will only foster a growing sense of uneasiness for you.
You can approach this subject from the perspective of YOUR feelings, YOUR thoughts, and how they're affecting YOU, rather than make the conversation about making him feel he's doing something wrong. You can acknowledge how much you appreciate his telling you how special you are and letting him know that you don't always feel his actions reflect those words.
Although it may be natural in new relationships for one partner to compare the other to his/her last long-term relationship, you can tell him that the best way he can show how he feels about you is to be fully present with you and allow himself to see you as the unique individual you feel (and he says) you are.
PAULA ANSWERS:
Is it a requirement of yours that your partner be 'complete' with his ex? Unless he is, he will damage any relationship he enters. It sounds as though this is already happening with you.
It's essential for you to be able to express your needs in a calm and truthful way. Unless you feel free to speak your truth, how you feel, what you need, it will be difficult for you to have a successful relationship. At this stage I recommend you check your other requirements (non-negotiables) for the relationship-are they all being met? If not, it is best to cut your losses now. Do you want to marry a project?
Have you ever noticed that when Spring and Summer arrive, more coupling seems to take place? It's like the blanket of winter and hibernation is over and people are ready to connect with one another again. Do you feel ready for relationship? Or, if you look at your past experiences, do you find yourself a little scared and unsure about the world of relationships?
Perhaps you are asking yourself questions like these:
What am I doing wrong?
Isn't there ANYONE out there with whom I click?
Maybe, I'm not ready for a relationship anyway.
What's wrong with men/women???
Maybe I'm just too picky.
I guess I'm just not cute enough, smart enough, thin enough etc., etc., etc.
Why is it that everyone I'm attracted to isn't attracted to me?
Well, how do you feel NOW??? Ready to move into relationship or thoroughly depressed? Let's address some of these questions:
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
Well, it might be that you are doing nothing wrong - except that you are not really clear on who YOU are and what YOU want. Spending some time getting clarity around that BEFORE getting into a relationship can reap BIG dividends.
ISN'T THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WITH WHOM I CLICK?
Of course there is! I wonder, though, if you are looking in the right places? Take a look at the things that really interest you and go to the places where those types of people go. Maybe you DO go to those places but still don't meet anyone. Perhaps you just need some practice on how to approach people. Talk with people who do that well and learn from them.
MAYBE I'M NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP.
Take this readiness quiz. (Taken in part from the readiness quiz) ARE you? Just answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions.
I know what I want in life and in relationship.
I know my requirements in a relationship.
I am happy and successful being single.
I am ready and available for commitment.
I am satisfied with my work and career.
I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
My financial and legal business is handled.
My family relations are functional.
I have effective dating skills
I have effective relationship skills.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEN AND WOMEN?
Probably nothing that a little real communication couldn't fix. By real, I mean, each person MUST show up being totally who they are, not what they think they NEED to be to please another person.
MAYBE I'M JUST TOO PICKY.
Well, it is good to be VERY clear about what are your requirements. A requirement is non-negotiable, but there is some wiggle room for things that you want and need. Sometimes keeping those clearly defined is tough. Spend some time thinking through these things by making a list. If you can live without something, it's not a requirement, but if the relationship would be doomed without it, then it IS a requirement.
MAYBE I'M NOT ENOUGH.
Take a good look here. Are there some things here that NEED some attention. If there are things about you that bother YOU, get the help you need to do something about it. If they don't bother you, but OTHERS comment, release that.
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE I'M ATTRACTED TO, ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME?
Is the real YOU coming out? Or do you shrink back? Again, getting clarity around who you are AND getting clarity on your own limiting belief system could do wonders for you.
Here's a suggestion: Take a look at the above questions and answers. Pick one and start working on it. See what happens. Hire a relationship coach to help you move more quickly and begin your road to personal singles success!
