This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: This question comes to us from a Singles News reader who is legally blind:
"I have a question for your coaches. I am single and am interested in having a meaningful relationship. The problem I have with "getting out there" is that I am legally blind.
This complicates things in several ways. For one thing, transportation is an issue since I can't drive. Another issue is mingling at parties, etc. I can't look around and pick someone to go talk to. Neither can I make eye contact or notice someone who seems to want to approach me and make the first move.
Also, there is simply the matter that some people are not comfortable around me because I am blind. They aren't sure how to approach me, or what to say, or may just feel unsure because of stereotypes or fear of the unknown. I don't hold that against anyone. Many people are great, but I know that this is a concern for some when they think about dating me or possibly getting into a serious relationship. This is why many blind people date other blind people, but I'm not into that.
I know that I am attractive. I'm young, independent, sociable, and friendly, and have had some experience with boyfriends over the past ten years. I am ready to find "the" person and start making plans for a life together sometime within the next couple of years. I would go out with female friends more if I could, just to "get out there." I know the kinds of places I'd like to go that involve my own hobbies and interests, etc. However, most of my friends are married or significantly attached.
I am a graduate student in a program full of women so meeting men at school isn't likely. Do any of you have alternative ideas or things for me to think about? Thanks so much."
THE COACHES RESPOND:
CHARLIE ANSWERS:
You certainly present an interesting number of challenges whose true implications I don't even pretend to fully understand. However, I would like to suggest that one of your best strategies to "get out there" and meet more people is to enlist and invoke a strong support network for yourself.
As much as possible, enroll your married, attached, and grad school friends and associates in helping you with the scouting process. Let them know your vision for yourself and your partner, your relationship requirements, and the fact that you would very much appreciate their assistance and support in meeting potential partners.
Even if your current associates aren't likely candidates, they can be great resources for networking and information. Although they might not share your interests and hobbies, they might be willing to accompany you to some of your preferred activities as a form of support for you and your search process.
You might also see if you can locate message boards or support groups for others with similar issues, who might suggest additional venues and options that you might not have considered.
In all cases, continue to focus on the strengths and gifts which you shared with us in your letter and which you bring to all your relationships.
Increase Your Self Acceptance: 7 Strategies to Like Yourself More
By Dr. Rachna D. Jain
One of the most important elements of a successful life partner quest is to accept yourself as you are. This is one area in which we may tend to have difficulty.
Many of us have grown up with negative messages or negative experiences surrounding our worth and value. Often, we don't feel worthy of living the wonderful life we clearly desire.
In this article, I'll share seven success strategies to help you like yourself more. Many of my clients have used these with amazing results. I invite you to try them for yourself!
Get Rid of Tolerations.
One of the places that coaching often begins is in the area of tolerations, which are aspects of your life that you are "putting up with" or "tolerating".
This can be something as simple as a missing button on your favorite shirt, a crack in your car's windshield, the wobbly front step) Whatever the toleration is, it does get in the way of self acceptance. If you spend precious time, energy, or thoughts worried about something you can easily fix (i.e. by sewing the missing button back on, or having the windshield repaired), why not take one day and knock all these daily annoyances out of your life? Life will run more smoothly, and you'll feel better, too!
Tame the Inner Critic.
The Inner Critic is that nagging voice we each possess which continually tells us that we're not enough. This is the one that pipes up and says things like, "That was so stupid. How could you have been so stupid?" Know which voice I mean??
Taming the Inner Critic is one HUGE step you can take to increase your self-acceptance. Rather than saying, "That was SO stupid" the next time you make a mistake, try replacing it with "Wow. That was SO human". Notice how this feels. Try it for a week, and notice how your self confidence starts to rise.
Have High Standards and Strong Boundaries
What is the difference between a "standard" and a "boundary"? Simply defined, a standard is a rule you have for how you will treat yourself. A boundary is a rule you have for how you will let others treat you.
To have high standards means that you allow yourself to be human, and to make mistakes, while recognizing that you are always striving to do the best you can. [I mean, do you ever really *try* to do a bad job on something you care about?]
To have strong boundaries means that you intend to be treated in a certain way- as with courtesy, kindness, and compassion. The closer that your standards and boundaries align, the more self-accepting you will be.
Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, and request that others treat you the way you want to be treated.
Be consistent with your word.
Sounds simple, but this can be tricky. One way of increasing your self acceptance is to "say what you do, and do what you say." Too often, there is a mismatch between what we say we want, and what we actually do.
For example, how many times have you heard someone say, "I want to be healthy, so I'm cutting out junk food", and then you notice this person eating junk food? In my belief, this is doubly harmful- one, from the physical health perspective, and two, because this person has been inconsistent. The more inconsistent we are in our self-talk, the more difficult it is for us to like and trust ourselves. We tend to easily believe we can't be trusted, which wears down our self esteem even further.
Create a fulfilling environment for yourself.
The more you like the space you live in, the more you will like yourself. Very often, my clients are "hanging on" to outdated books, clothes, household items, and ideas which no longer serve them. It does none of us much good to be reminded of what might have been. If you want to like yourself more, start today by clearing out all the items which no longer "fit" your life or your lifestyle. You'll have the space to fill your life with more of what you really love!
Practice giving and accepting compliments
Say nice things to others, and accept the nice things they say about you. Really grasp that you are wonderful and important to so many people. Try giving at least five sincere compliments over this week, and accept the next 10 that come your way. You may even want to write these down, to refer back to when needed.
Recognize that self-acceptance is a journey.
It would be wonderful if we could just wake up tomorrow cleared of all our negative stories. However, realistically, changing takes time. Recognize that you want to like yourself more, and do what it takes to get there. Change what you need to change, and love the rest.
