This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"After dating a woman for 1 1/2 years I left the relationship because she wasn't ready to make a commitment. Later, she came back to me and wanted me to try harder to "win" her. I hate playing that game - I want my dating and my relationships to be more equal and straight-forward. Do I have to play this game to get what I want?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
CHARLIE ANSWERS:
It's not completely clear to me that the woman you discuss is actually asking you to "play games" in your relationship with her. I would suggest that there's also a possibility that her wanting you to "try harder to win her" might be more indicative of her feeling that one or more of her relationship requirements and/or needs are not being met. This issue may also relate to some of the reasons she has resisted further commitment to this relationship in the past. I would recommend getting into an honest, non-judgemental conversation with her about exactly what actions, behaviors, or attitudes she's talking about. What's been missing for her? More romance? Honesty? Communication? Once you know what she's REALLY asking for, you can make a decision about whether or not you're interested in or capable of meeting her requests. While you're at it, you might consider sharing your relationship requirements and needs with her as well.
FAITH ANSWERS:
You seem very clear that you are not willing to play games with this woman. If you look back over that 1.5 years, how would you characterize the relationship? Even though there were parts that were good, would you say that there has been a theme of game playing? And then, I'd look at past relationships. Do you see a game playing thread in the types of women you attract in general? If so, I'd ask you to take a look at how solid YOUR requirements are. Where are you selling out on yourself because the women have SOME of what you want. If after looking at all of that, you still see potential with this woman, I might suggest that you hire a coach for BOTH of you to see if you can get beyond the game playing.
DAVID ANSWERS:
Games are supposed to be fun, and you don't sound like you're enjoying this one. Besides, even a marathon Monolopy game doesn't drag on for 18 months. Perhaps it's time to review your game rules and communicate them clearly to potential players. A relationship coach can help you with this process. Not everyone will like your rules, but they'll find someone else to play with and there will be others who will want to play with you. It's always more fun to interact with people who agree on how to play the game.
SORAYA ANSWERS:
No you don't have to play the game! If you hate game-playing, this just may not be the partner for you. Fortunately, you get to choose what YOU want. Is an equitable relationship with someone who's straight-forward one of your relationship requirements? I suggest clarifying her request to be "won over" and sharing your concerns as well as your requirements. Armed with more information, you can decide if you want to pursue the relationship any further. It's your decision.
I had a query recently from a vibrant 57year old woman that is ready to rebuild her life after being widowed. To use her own words "people keep telling me that I have to get out there, but I have no idea HOW".
Often when people are married for a long time their social circles become quite small and a lot of activities are centered on each other or family. The first phase to becoming successfully single is to begin to extend that social network. Here are some strategies that you might find useful in achieving this;
Make a list of the six things that you enjoy doing the most, then ask yourself "where can I go to connect with others who might enjoy doing the same thing"? In Jennifer's case, one of the things she is passionate about is Ancient History. A little bit of research uncovered an Adult Education venue that has home based discussion groups on over 100 subjects. Not surprisingly, one of them was Ancient History.
The next hurdle is to dare to connect. When confronted with a new group of people it is easy to stay in your comfort zone. Taking someone with you that you know is common. It will keep you safe but it will not help you to expand and grow. Challenge yourself to go alone and see what happens.
Once there, if you usually wait to be approached take the initiative and make the first approach. At a seminar recently the speaker was giving effective strategies on networking. One of them was "when at a function act as though you are the host, not the guest". What a brilliant strategy. Instead of waiting for someone to make you feel welcome act as though you are the host and make everyone else feel welcome instead. "Hi, my name is Jennifer, you enjoying the evening"? It is amazing what a simple shift in focus does. Once we think of ourselves as the host, connecting can feel a lot less awkward. Try it!
Another common block can be your own mindset. We can tend to filter out people that we consider "not suitable" or unapproachable. Wherever possible try to leave your judgments and past experiences at the door. Believe me they will still be there if you feel you want to collect them on the way out. Start to tune in to your own self-talk as you scan a room looking for people to connect with. What do you say to yourself about the people you are looking at? What assumptions are you making about them? When at functions, practice looking for the person that you would find most challenging to approach based on how you are defining them. Then try saying "hello" and I walking right on over.
When you find someone with whom the conversation seems to flow, make an arrangement to meet again. Most people will be flattered if you ask for their contact details and agree to meet for coffee. Challenge yourself to meet one new person for coffee each month. Then watch your circle of friends and social life expand!
