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March 2002

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I'm just back into the dating scene after my divorce, and I seem to fall in love with every wonderful woman I meet! I like the way it feels, but I don't think it's the best way to "get back out there"! How can I sort this out?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

SALILA ANSWERS:
My guess is that you are falling into infatuation rather than falling in love. It sounds like it's exhilarating to be with these women, yet you also recognize that this is not the best way to get "back out there". What do you sense would be a better way for you? What does getting "back out there" mean to you? I imagine that it's nurturing to be in contact with women, but that you are not yet clear if you're really ready to get serious with anyone. The first step might be to decide if you are in a phase where you want to date casually, or whether you want to search for a life partner. The strategies for each path are very different. Given that you are just coming out of a divorce, perhaps this is a time to just have fun. But, that's up to you!

Salila Shen
Professional Certified Coach
Master ConsciousDating Relationship Coach
LotusMountain Coaching Services
heartcoach@frontier.net
www.consciousrelating.com
970-731-3102 (phone)

KATHERIN ANSWERS:
Congratulations for getting back out into the dating scene after your divorce! And, good for you for noticing that you may want to change your dating strategy. Falling in love with every wonderful woman you meet can be an emotional zapper! Enjoy those tingly feelings of euphoria and understand that it is a normal and natural response to being attracted to someone - that your brain is being filled with chemicals causing you to feel the "lover's high." AND, understand that it is attraction, infatuation, lust - whatever - but it is not love. Love is about trust and about time - and it takes time to really trust and know someone fully.

So, pace yourself, have fun, and date a variety of people without being exclusive. Sharpen your clarity about your life vision, relationship requirements, needs, and wants - and enjoy those tingly feelings!

Katherin Scott MA, MCH, 425-681-2620,
CoachKatherin@yahoo.com

CHARLIE ANSWERS:
It's natural and understandable to like the feelings you're experiencing as you return to the dating scene. I imagine that, after the months of stress surrounding a recent divorce, the idea of feeling attractive, wanted, sexual, and appreciated is an invigorating tonic for you. However, I urge you to proceed cautiously around falling in love with love. There are great differences between the experiences of romance, attraction and infatuation and the reality of sustained relationships. This is a great time for you to be meeting and enjoying the company of many women. Be aware, however, of your tendencies to place more on the first few meetings than the enjoyment of getting acquainted and experiencing each other. If you find yourself quickly into moving into thoughts of "love" and "relationship", I would urge you to back off a bit and consider whether what you feel is more likely associated with the thrill of being back in the dating scene and being valued as a member of the opposite sex. Feeling good doesn't necessarily equate to feeling "in love", and certainly doesn't equate with "loving" or "being loved". Get clear on your vision for yourself and the qualities you require in a partner, and allow yourself to continue "sampling the buffet" at this point, without feeling you have to commit to the entire meal. It's also very important, however, to be clear about all of this with the women you're dating. Let them know that you enjoy their company, but need to proceed slowly and cautiously as you participate in the process of rediscovering yourself as a newly single person.

Charlie Siegel
coachcharlie@theperfectpath.com

FEATURE ARTICLE

The Etch-A-Sketch Theory

(past loves and the present)
By Laurie Cameron

Do you remember Etch-a-Sketches? They are the drawing screens with 2 knobs, one for drawing vertical lines, one for drawing horizontal lines. If you turn the knobs at the same time, you get something that looks like a curve, or if you're REALLY good at it, you can draw a complete circle. Then, when you're done with that drawing, you just turn it upside down and shake it back and forth vigorously. The picture is erased, and you have a clean Etch-a-Sketch, ready to start again.

So how does this toy relate to being a Smart Single? When we meet someone new, and are getting to know them, sometimes we have a tendency to bring images and perceptions of past loves to this new relationship, and it taints how we perceive this new person. Perhaps he has some of the same mannerisms as your former partner, and you avoid him because of that. Maybe she likes the same food or drives the same car as your ex-wife, and she seems less attractive to you. When he uses the same phrases as your last boyfriend, you cringe because the breakup was painful. By bringing these old filters into a new relationship, you are cheating yourself and the other person out of an authentic experience. Even if it's done unintentionally, you are pre-judging a person on the basis of your experiences from the past, without having a complete picture. There are times when your judgement might be accurate, and there will be times that it is not.

Another tendency we might have is to fill in the blanks when we don't know everything about someone. I call this "making up stories". We see what we like in a person then we make up stories about what we don't see but would like to. If he seems to be romantic at first, you can make up all kinds of stories to turn him into the Prince Charming of your dreams. If you adjust your perception of reality in just the right way, you can transform her into the woman you've always wanted.

As soon as we begin making up stories about another person, we remove ourselves form the present moment, and loose our connection with them. If we reside more on Fantasy Island than in the "NOW", we are having a make-believe relationship with a make-believe person.

The way out of for these two relationship traps is to think of each new person you meet as a blank Etch-a-Sketch. Each person is a blank slate, with no pre-judgements or filters from past relationships. They are NOT your former partner, ex-husband or ex-wife, or your old boyfriend or girlfriend. They are a unique individual. Allow them the freedom and the space to be who they are.

The main rule of the Etch-a-Sketch Theory is that you are required to sit back and watch each person draw themselves for you. You MAY NOT touch the knobs! You may not make up stories about how you want them to be or how you want them to fit into your life. You are allowed - and required! - to ask them questions, and to relate to them, and spend time with them to determine if they are a potential Life Partner. But sit on your hands if you have to, and let them control the knobs. Resist the temptation to draw them they way you want to see them.

This will help you stay in the present moment with everyone you meet. You get to sit back and watch as they reveal themselves to you in all their unique humanness. When you're ready to make a long-term commitment, you will know that it's with the real person, not with your own fabrication. And at some point you may realize that the relationship does not fit your requirements and vision, and that it's time to move on to another blank Etch-a-Sketch. Then you can be sure that you're moving on for the right reasons, not because you have projected your old "stuff" on them, especially if you don't particularly like your old "stuff".

Being a Smart Single is all about living in the moment and making healthy relationship choices. Implementing the Etch-a-Sketch Theory into your dating patterns will help you do this.

Laurie Cameron
Coach * Speaker * Catalyst
Laurie@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
303-740-0352