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January 2002

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I hate first dates, it's like being on an interview, and I never know what to say. How can I approach first dates, especially "blind dates", more comfortably?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:
MICHAEL ANSWERS:
You are right, first dates often do feel like an interview. As good interviewer, I want to do two things. The first is that I want to know how we will spend this time. When I meet a man for a first date, I like to plan something active, like take a walk, or see a movie. The activity gives us something to talk about which allows me to get a sense of this person without having to ask a list of pre-planned personal questions. Another advantage of having something to do is that silence, which can often be awkward, might even be comfortable. The second important skill I use when meeting someone is my intuition or my gut sense. I check inside to see what it is like to be with this person. How do I feel in his presence? Do I want to have another date? First dates are a challenge that can get easier with practice. Hang in there!
Michael J. Cohen MSW
Personal Life Coach
917-648-7585
michaeljcohen@earthlink.net
http://www.lifecoachmichael.com
CATHERINE ANSWERS:
Approaching a first date could be thought of as spending time with a potential new friend. This will relieve the pressure, and allow you to be yourself. Think of the other person as someone whom you will get to know over a period of time. If you like what you see after this period of time, you may actually choose to progress the relationship to "date". Go, have fun, and be aware of key information that is important to you, and try to relax into a friendly tone.
Catherine Wood
cwood@axxent.ca
BARRY ANSWERS:
Meeting someone for the first time can certainly be uncomfortable. I have a couple of suggestions that may help you feel more relaxed. First, instead of thinking of a date as like being on an interview where you are the one being interviewed, consider putting yourself in the place of the interviewer. What would you like to know about your date? What are you curious about? What would you like your date to know about you? What information about this person would help you to decide whether you want another date? Asking questions is one way of finding out about a person. Another way is to bring up a topic and observe what reaction you get. For example, if you like classical music and you want to know if your date does too, talk about a recent concert you went to or CD you listened to and see how he/she responds. Make sure you are a good listener and give him/her a chance to talk as well. Instead of not knowing what to say, you may find yourself talking much more than you expected, so be sure to balance talking with good listening. And don't forget to have fun!
Barry North
Coaching for Life and Relationship Success
barry@coachbarry.com
www.coachbarry.com
(206) 283-4740

FEATURE ARTICLE

Becoming attractive and available for your soul mate to arrive!

By Paula Iland

On 7th Sept. 2000 I was at Sydney airport on my way to Greece and Israel. To entertain myself on this long haul, I was going to read my MA drama books. But could I spend 24 hours reading Performance Theory? No! So I decided to reach out and pick up a book. Yes! Shocking, shiny, schiaparelli pink: THE MARRIAGE PLAN by Aggie Jordan. Inside this gaudy cover lay gems. Secret revelations of how to meet your soul mate. All became clear! Read this book. Success guaranteed! First step: declare to meet him within ONE YEAR! On the plane I turned to the passenger next to me--a complete stranger--and made my declaration!

But first, many exercises to do, distinctions to gain. It is a long journey from Sydney to Israel via Greece. But it is an even longer journey to find your soul mate--53 years and I'm still searching! The good news is, it's never too late. After all, Sarah had Isaac when she was ninety something!

What I know unreservedly is the importance of the relationship we have with ourselves. What does this mean?

Firstly, it entails completing the past: past relationships, past mistakes, past exchanges with your parents. This is crucial. If you still see red because your ex partner got the dog, and you only got the saucepans, it's bad news! Accept responsibility for whatever went wrong. Even if your partner had an 'affair', ask yourself what role you played that propelled him/her into such unsavory action! Then phone your ex, or write a letter. Forgive him/her. Forgive yourself. Be delighted to hear your ex partner is in a new relationship and has made millions. Go on a picnic together. If you can't, you will drag your old baggage into the next relationship!

After all, if a marriage ends, it is destiny that also plays its part. Destiny brought us together, now destiny persuades us to follow our different paths. So you may also forgive yourself for this ending. It is not a failure. It is another step on this challenging journey. An opportunity for growth.

My life is not the romantic Cinderella version of which I had dreamed. Yet it is a rewarding, fulfilling and rich life-- one in which I mercifully continue to grow and evolve. Without these endings I would never have unearthed the treasures that lie buried within my soul. Relationships are the great classroom of life. There is no tougher teacher.

And don't forget to forgive your parents--even your mum although she permed your short hair when you were ten and you'd always wanted long straight hair! Forgive her for expressing her love in a way you could not understand.

Another important step is for you to become your own ideal partner! Develop in yourself the qualities you desire in another. We always attract into our lives people who are a reflection of ourselves. E.g. I want an intelligent, caring communicative man on a spiritual quest (among many other things!). Naturally I consider myself an intelligent, caring communicative woman on a spiritual quest!

Make sure to live life to the full. Become all you can be. Don't wait for another to fill the gap. When you are happy within yourself, when you are true to yourself and aligned with your wants and needs and talent, you become very attractive to others!

And crucial-know what kind of relationship you desire. Have a clear list of requirements for the relationship. E.g. intimacy, trust, fun, mutual respect. Without this map, you may not recognize him/her when they appear!

And Believe. Trust. In fact, have an 'unwavering belief' that your dream is possible to attain. Even if you have a history of unsatisfactory relationships or are experiencing a severe drought in dating. "Think good and it will be good." We create our own reality.

Incidentally, I believe that I am manifesting this 'unwavering belief' by writing this article with no evidence that I will meet him! It is past my deadline of 7th September and there is no man in sight! Yet every day I wake in gratitude for my loved ones, and the gifts G-d has bestowed on me. Every day my life is filled with fun and meaningful activities.

So, if you can Trust, Forgive, Fulfil your potential, Love, and have Fun, you will undoubtedly clear space in your heart to move forward and let your Life Partner enter.

Paula Iland
Passionate Partners Coaching for Singles and Couples; Love and Be Loved!
paula_iland@hotmail.com
61 2 9280 4120 (Sydney, Australia)