Member News

December 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

See also:

The Knowlege Bank index for content from other issues
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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I'm in my early twenties, and I've heard a lot about how important it is to know what my requirements are for a long-term relationship. How can I know what they are this early in my life, and how do I know they won't change after being married for 10 or 20 years?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MIKE ANSWERS:
For many of us, our list of requirements is very short when we're in our twenties, because we have so little relationship experience:
1. Chemistry
2. n/a
3. n/a
4. n/a
5. n/a
Facetiousness aside, I think those of us that marry young are likely to grow and change together, in the same directions, if we are concentrating on and investing in our relationship. It's when we pursue independent lives that we "grow apart." To avoid potential partner MISMATCHES from the outset, it's important to (a) date for extended periods of time (12 months or more) prior to marrying, and (b) seek professional, third-party assistance to help us see the potential mismatches that we're likely to miss on our own. (premarital counseling or equivalent.)

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
(602) 277-9000
MSMCCART@juno.com
SingleChristianSolutions.COM

MARITA ANSWERS:
I came across a reference my high a high school teacher had given me when I was an enthusiastic teenager looking for a part-time job. I smiled as I read his description "intelligent, hardworking, capable, independent and responsible, well suited to a position which involves helping and dealing with people". That was many moons ago and yet the description could have been written by someone close to me yesterday. The values and needs that drive me have not changed and I am sure that what I require to feel loved and happy have not either. I believe we evolve, become more sophisticated and hopefully more conscious but the essence of who we are, does not change. To enter relationships with a clear sense of your requirements even at a young age can give you the ability to handle the more superficial changes and differences without losing the relationship.

Marita Dullard
Ph: 612 99049293
Fax: 612 99049263
e-mail: marita@lifebychoice.com.au

FEATURE ARTICLE

Have yourself a proactive little christmas

by David Bentley, M.Ed.

Here you are single again at Christmas, and it doesn't exactly feel like the season to be jolly. Looming ahead is a whole month of activities geared toward families and couples, and suddenly you feel like the proverbial "fifth wheel." Memories get stirred up, and aggravating questions get asked. People offer unsolicited advice and attempt to cheer you with predictions of fairy tale marriages just around the corner. There are also "helpful," self-appointed matchmakers who try to magically turn two totally opposite singles into a happy couple. How will you ever make it to the beginning of a new year?

The answer is simple. Be proactive. Rather than just letting Christmas happen to you, create your own plan for a joyous Yuletide. Then, when you see how well it works, consider whether it's time to create a relationship plan with a coach so that next Christmas won't seem so formidable.

The first step in establishing a plan for the holidays is to look at what the season is all about. Whether you are a devout Christian or not, the crux of any holiday season is traditions. Some are sacred, but others aren't. Think for a moment about the traditions you have observed over the years. Do you exchange gifts? Do you attend/host parties? Do you have a Christmas menu that must be followed exactly? Do you enjoy listening to or singing Christmas songs? Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Are there certain decorations that have special meaning and must be displayed in a particular way? Do you spend time with family, children or the less fortunate? Do you volunteer for charitable organizations or visit the infirm? Are there special performances like "The Nutcracker" or "A Christmas Carol" that you like to watch? Do you attend a midnight religious service on Christmas Eve or a children's pageant?

Write down whatever traditions you have observed or considered observing in the past. Don't worry if they seem silly, childish, or even abhorrent. The list will likely be quite long, and you may add to it for a couple of days. The point is to become aware of all the possibilities in order to choose the ones you want to observe this year and let go of the rest.

When you feel that your list is adequate, assign each item a number from 1-3. A one indicates that this is a requirement. It is something without which the whole season would be lacking in joy and/or meaning. A two indicates a tradition that is fun and/or meaningful, but omitting it would not adversely affect the season. A three indicates a neither enjoyable nor meaningful tradition you could easily never observe again. I suggest that as you go through your list, mark only the ones and threes. They're the easiest to discern, and after you've marked them everything else becomes a two.

Looking at your ratings, you know which traditions are requirements and which ones are the extras that you can choose to observe or not. Now comes the fun and creative part of your planning -- adapting the traditions you've selected to your single lifestyle.

If being with children is important, but none are in your life, borrow some. Parents need time to do their Christmas shopping or just get away for a few hours, so they often are more than willing to loan their kids for an afternoon of cookie baking or a sports event or a Christmas performance. Be really creative, and let the children help you celebrate one of the traditions you love.

Perhaps a traditional Christmas dinner is important to you, but you don't have family or a significant other with whom to share it. Invite friends who are in the same situation and make it a potluck dinner. Or, if you prefer, plan to visit someone who is homebound and create a meal there. Even those who don't want to cook can often find a community potluck or volunteer to have Christmas dinner with a nursing home patient who has no family.

For those who like wrapping gifts, but don't have a substantial gift list, many service organizations need volunteers to wrap gifts for the less fortunate. If you enjoy singing, organize a group of people to go caroling. No matter what tradition you want to observe, there are numerous creative ways to keep them in your life as a successful, proactive single.

David Bentley, M.Ed. & Personal Coach
dbentley@interisland.net
http://www.interisland.net/dbentley
360-378-8436