This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
'I've been doing some dating on the internet, communicating with women through an online personal ad. I don't want to meet everyone I exchange emails with, how can I determine who I actually want to meet and who I don't?'
THE COACHES RESPOND:
CHRISTINA ANSWERS:
Begin by talking about things that are really important to you. By that I mean, be willing to be vulnerable. Share who you are, share your values, share your hopes and dreams. Be authentic, and let your true self shine through. And don't forget to listen with your heart. You'll soon find out who you really connect with, and who you don't.
Christina Anne McDowell, LCSW, owner of Intentional Living
Certified Spirit Coach
Certified ConsciousDating Coach
816-444-4170
spiritcoach@mindspring.com
DEBORAH ANSWERS:
Once you are clear about who you are, and by consciously defining your relationship requirements, you will be able to zero in more quickly on which respondents to your ad you want to meet face-to-face and which ones you don't. Collect and share enough personal information first to determine more quickly if you have enough in common to take the time to meet in order to use your time more effectively and efficiently. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you are ready for a committed relationship, and if you are, then don't meet others who aren't seeking the same thing. If you aren't quite ready for a committed relationship, date for fun and not exclusivity. By making conscious relationship choices, you'll be able to draw a person into your life who is closely aligned with you values, vision and life purpose.
Deborah Soltar Bindler
Life Choices
dbindler@flash.net
(312) 458-9021
CHRISTINE ANSWERS:
'The beauty of meeting on-line is that you can use the medium itself (your ad or theirs and email) to do all of your initial sorting and screening. Your well- designed fine-meshed screen will have sifted the candidates down to a few choice people who meet your requirements, are aligned with your values and share some of your interests. The next step is to talk with them by phone. Do not skip this step. The phone call is the place to get a feel for their personality. Keep these questions in mind: How well do they communicate? Do they listen? Do they have a sense of humor? What else do I hear in their voice? Enthusiasm for life or 'victim' and sadness? Are they triggering feelings and responses in me that are reminiscent of past partnerships that didn't workout? I would encourage you to meet any of the people you have conversations with unless your gut gives you a loud and clear 'No' during your phone conversation. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They've gotten this far in your screening - don't pass by
Christine Green
LPQ Relationship Coach
Personal Ad Specialist
CGreen200@aol.com
978-535-1309
JULIE ANSWERS:
Congratulations for stepping out into the new dimension of dating on-line. Online dating has many of the same benefits of face to face dating. Some of those are that it can bring us a greater sense of confidence in relating, it enhances our communication skills, it can reawaken our desire for romance and intimacy. The value of asking questions and getting to know someone through the written word can take some coaching and skill. This process is invaluable if we are honest about ourselves and if we are clear in what we want and do not want in relationships. You must know your requirements!!! The internet can give us a tremendous sense of abundance and use our power of choice. After all, 15 million singles are dating on the internet. When you decide to meet face to face...talk on the telephone for a few times first...ask alot more of your questions...check out your requirements...let your intuition guide you. When you are ready to meet face to face.....meet in neutral territory....for coffee first...or a quick lunch. Come prepared with more questions and again....trust your intuition. Chemistry is either there or it isn't. Keep sorting, screening and testing.
MARITA ANSWERS:
First, let me offer a word of caution with regard to on-line dating. The Internet has opened up a Pandora's box of communicating possibilities, which can create a false sense of closeness. Remember, only 7% of communication is through words. If your imagination is filling in the remaining 93%, you could be setting yourself up for disaster. To determine quickly who you would like to meet, ask questions that will give you an indication of the person's interests and values. How do you most like to spend your weekends? What makes you 'see red'? What's the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? All very non- threatening questions, but the answers can be very illuminating!
In the world of relationships, once you know what you want, is knowing how to actually GET it. No one going into a new business would do so without a business plan. This is a blueprint, or a map, that the new business owner can use to determine who they are, what they want, how they will go about getting it. Likewise, the best way to get what you want in a relationship is with a RELATIONSHIP PLAN!
A Relationship Plan is very similar to a business plan. It outlines WHO you are, WHAT you want in a relationship and in your life, and WHAT you can begin doing RIGHT NOW to 'Find the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love!'
Following are six essential elements of a clear, comprehensive, powerful Relationship Plan.
CLEAR VISION & LIFE PURPOSE STATEMENT. (See the second article in this series: 'Strategy 1: KNOW WHO YOU ARE'.) Your vision is your destination - how you want to live your life. There may be some areas in your life in which you are very close to living your vision; perhaps other areas need some work before you reach your destination. Your Life Purpose statement is your inner compass - how you show up in the world, how you want to make a difference. When you live your purpose every day, your journey has more focus, direction and passion!
FINELY TUNED REQUIREMENTS, NEEDS & WANTS LIST. (See the previous article: 'Strategy 2: KNOW WHAT YOU WANT'.) We all have a 'list 'of what we want in a relationship, whether it's written or in our heads. It's important to fine tune this list to determine what elements on it are your requirements, your non-negotiables. These are the qualities of your ideal relationship, not necessarily of your partner. The test for a requirement is that if even ONE of them was missing, you know the relationship will not work, and you can walk away with your self-esteem intact.
Needs are the events that must occur in a relationship for you to feel loved, and to live your vision. Unmet Needs create an issue, and, if not resolved, they CAN break the relationship over time. One of the strongest indicators of divorce is a consistent avoidance of conflict resolution - not having the skills to solve what can be solvable problems.
Wants are the icing on the cake: the things you would LIKE to have, but would not break the relationship or create an issue if not there. All too often, people make long-term relationship choices based on wants, while ignoring the 'red flags', and the relationship is destined to become a significant learning experience!
SELF-PROFILE. This is the starting point of your journey. By knowing where you are right now in your life, in different life categories, you have a better idea of how far you have to go to be living your vision in each of those categories. What is your current status regarding your physical, emotional and mental health? Your career and finances? Your lifestyle and spiritual foundation? This is important information if you want to create a successful Life Partnership.
GOALS FOR LIVING YOUR VISION. By creating distinct, measurable goals for living your vision in each of the life categories, you create the map that will guide you to your ideal relationship and ideal life. This is where many of us get stuck. When our dreams seem SO big, sometimes it's easier to say 'That's impossible to have, it'll never happen', and walk away from them. With good coaching, you can break down the 'impossible' goals into smaller and smaller action steps, until there's ONE action you can take today. Hundreds of small steps add up quickly to great big leaps!
ATTRACTION PLAN. Part of the Attraction Plan includes identifying your attraction venues. These are the places you are most likely to meet a potential life partner who is closely aligned with your values, vision and requirements. Contrary to what you may think, generic singles events (dances and other singles networking events) are NOT high on the list of attraction venues. The Attraction Plan also includes your strategies for scouting, sorting and screening. This is how you ask questions, listen for values and requirements, and determine if the person is a potential life partner, friend, or even a good business connection.
CONSCIOUS DATING PLAN. I LOVE the word 'conscious'! This is a way for you to determine how you want to ideally handle different dating situations. By doing this BEFORE you are in a particular situation, you can develop strategies that are in tune with your values and vision, rather than making decisions based on the emotions of the moment. As a result, your decisions will be much healthier ones, and you will spend less time second-guessing yourself.
Getting what you want in any area of your life requires a plan. By creating a complete, powerful Relationship Plan, you will be on your way to living your vision, and will have what you need to 'Find the Love of Your Life and the Life You Love!'
Laurie Cameron
ConsciousDating Director of Singles Programs
Laurie@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
303-740-0352
