Member News

October 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"My family and friends are telling me I'm too picky in the people I date. They keep telling me I'll never find Mr. Right, and that I should settle for Mr. Good Enough. What can I say to them to help them understand that I don't want to settle?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MIKE ANSWERS:
"I would propose it is not even possible to be "too picky." Most would say this is one of the three most important decisions we'll ever make in life. Why "settle" in something so important? (Though we need to make sure our Requirements are truly Requirements and not merely Wants.) Those who have gone before us and "settled" would probably counsel against it. Our pickiness comes out of our current view of reality. If we try to play games with our current (and very real) perceptions and ways of viewing life, we're fooling no one, especially ourselves. Those attempts will catch up to us eventually ("tolerations.") Now, if our "standards" RELAX at some point in the future, as a result of personal experiences or realizations, THEN we'll BECOME less "picky," but not as a result of trying to fool ourselves. We then formulate our "new pickiness" out of where we're coming from then."

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
(602) 277-9000

MARITA ANSWERS:
"First, look at the quality of the relationships that the people giving this advice have. Then ask yourself, do I want what they have? It is common when we challenge the beliefs that others hold, that they will attempt to convince us that their way is the right way. It is a way for them to validate their own choices. As to what you can "say", just tell them you are waiting for Mr. Good Enough, he just has to be right!"

Marita Dullard
Ph: 612 99049293
Fax: 612 99049263
marita@lifebychoice.com.au

PAULA ANSWERS:
"Firstly, you could thank them for their concern and then refrain from discussing your dates in the future. This is your business-no-one else's! It is vital for you to be clear about your requirements. All must be in place for the relationship to be joyous and fulfilling. Settling for 'good enough' will only lead to failure of the relationship. However, it may be worth checking if you are being too 'picky' in respect to externals-this could impede your quest. Make sure you are concentrating on the requirements you have for the quality of the relationship. Then trust in your vision. Trust in yourself."

Paula Iland, Passionate Partners Coaching for Singles and Couples
paula_iland@hotmail.com;
61 2 9280 4120 (Sydney, Australia)

BARRY ANSWERS:
"Many friends and family do not have faith in the 'law of attraction' and the awareness that each of us have the ability to choose our own destiny. Since we are powerless over other people, I'm not sure we can say anything to help them understand our perspective. I believe it is more important that we are clear about what we know to be our truth and that we honor our own healthy choices no matter what others' opinions are. It is also valuable to develop a network of healthy, supportive friends who relate to our values and beliefs. It seems very empowering to be surrounded by others who share our goals and visions and honor us and our intentions. Too many people settle for Mr. Good Enough, and this might be the reason for our present high divorce rate. As we become more clear about who we are and what we truly want through our process of personal discovery, we can then live our life in a way that will allow us the opportunity to connect with Mr. Right at the perfect time, place and circumstance."

Barry Teller / Personal Coach
(972) 562-4080 / barryteller@hotmail.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com/coach/bteller.htm

FEATURE ARTICLE

What's NOT Being Said?

By Beth Burns

"When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."
~ Tuli Kupferberg

Have you ever been a conversation with someone and realized that it was going nowhere? That the two of you were simply NOT on the same page? It may not even be that you are arguing -- in fact, you may be saying a similar thing -- just using different semantics to prove your point. Have you known that frustration? I know I have and I find it to be draining.

I have learned that most of the time when this situation occurs it is crucial to pay attention to what is NOT being said. Generally, it's what is missing from the conversation that is the real issue. Beyond the spoken words are the fears and insecurities that we often mask. It's not that we are purposely trying to hide our true feelings. It's just that we may not have the vocabulary to say what we accurately want to convey. On the other hand, we may have the vocabulary, but may be slower to process what we truly feel. Either way, it makes for an exasperating conversation.

To be constructive, one wants to get to the source of the other person's heart and not just deal with the spoken words or symptoms. How do we do that?
The single most effective tool that I use in these situations is to listen intently and silently ask myself: what is this person NOT telling me? Generally, it is a need that can be uncovered.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone and the issue wasn't even really what the conversation was about? As an example, a client of mine, let's call her Sue, argues with her husband, Jim, about money. Together they make plenty of money, yet his spending habits are much more extravagant than Sue's. They may argue about the money he has spent on his "toys," but if Jim would stop and ask, "What's NOT being said here?", he might find that his wife has a high NEED for security and when he spends the way he does, it makes Sue fearful about the future.

On the other hand, if Sue would ask the same question, "What's NOT being said here?", she might discover than Jim has a NEED to be accepted in his peer group and having "toys" provides him with a way of participating with a group, thus getting that need met.

Now, understanding the unique needs of Jim and Sue, can you imagine that their 'money' conversations might take a new, fresh direction in the future? This new scenario leaves a whole lot of room for compromise, doesn't it?

It's always most effective if two people are in touch with their needs and can communicate them as they come up. We each have the responsibility of remembering that the person we are in conversation with is probably not a mind-reader. It's wise of us to share openly if we want to get our needs met and build healthy relations.

OK, suppose you ask yourself, "What is NOT being said here?", and now you want to share what you think the real deal is with the other person. How do we do that effectively? It is essential that we do our own internal work and come from a place of love.

The two biggest blocks to someone receiving your message are judgment and attachment. Anytime you judge someone, you identify them as being separate of you from you and, therefore, break your connection. By the same token, when you have an attachment to the outcome (i.e., your agenda), you put yourself ahead the other person, once again breaking the connection. This is worth repeating -- do your own internal work and come from a place of love!

Establishing an authentic two way connection can be a complex process, however, the rewards are great when one learns to uncover the core need and communicate clearly with a pure heart.

Beth Burns, Professional Life Coach
http://www.brightsidecoaching.com/.
Beth@BrightSideCoaching.com.
678-938-0419