Member News

September 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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The Knowlege Bank index for content from other issues
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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships. It maybe with a different person, but the problems seem to be the same. What can I do get out of this rut?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MARITA ANSWERS:
"Start to get very clear on what attracts you to a certain style of partner and what that is about for you. There may be some unmet needs that you are looking to resolve in relationship. Once you have identified these needs, start to take some personal responsibility for meeting those needs yourself. Then, get very clear on exactly what you want in a relationship and have the courage to stand up for that. When you feel the same old attraction for a certain style of partner, ask yourself "is this what I really want in my life?" and then be prepared to walk away. It may sound difficult, but it is hugely satisfying to recognize and break an old debilitating pattern. You may also be surprised how the universe will support you once you are prepared to make a shift yourself!"

Marita Dullard
Ph: 612 99049293
Fax: 612 99049263
e-mail:marita@ lifebychoice.com.au
http://www.lifebychoice.com.au

CHRISTINA ANSWERS:
Be very clear about what you want. The clearer you are about what you want, the more focused your energy will be in getting and attracting who and what you want to you. Write down the qualities that you want in a relationship. Go over this list frequently, so that your focus remains clear. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings you joy. Also, ask yourself, "What do I want to release in this situation?" If you see that you are repeating certain patterns in relationships, make it your intention to be aware of those patterns, and to release the need to repeat them. Sometimes we repeat patterns because there is a lesson to be learned. Journaling can be a powerful, useful tool to find out what lessons you have learned in these relationships, and what you want for your future. Be gentle on yourself. We all find ourselves in patterns of thought or behavior which do not serve us at one time or another. The good news is that it is possible to pivot our focus, and to set our intention for what we want, and th

Christina Anne McDowell, LCSW
Transformational Spirit Coach
Certified ConsciousDating coach
816-444-4170
spiritcoach@mindspring.com

RACHNA ANSWERS:
"Since you're wanting to get out of this "rut", it sounds like these relationships aren't or haven't been very satisfying. I think one way to get yourself out of this place would be to take a break from dating for a month or maybe more. During this break, it would be really helpful to spend some time getting clear on what your relationship patterns are. In what ways have all your past relationships been similar? It's been my experience that the people we are attracted to often mirror a part of ourselves that we have trouble accepting. For example, if your previous partners have all been very critical of you, it would be good to examine the ways in which you are very critical of yourself. Changing how you relate to yourself can be the first step to changing your relationship patterns. Good luck- you can do it!"

Dr. Rachna D. Jain
Licensed Psychologist and Life Success Coach
coach@maximalhappiness.com
http://www.maximalhappiness.com

SUZANNE ANSWERS:
"My experience tells me that until you learn more about your inner dynamics and become more knowledgeable about who you are, what is your personal value system, and, based on that, what you require in a partner, you will continue to chose from an old pattern of behaviors and perceptions. It makes sense that we get drawn to the familiar, even if we're not aware of it, because it allows us to stay in our comfort zone and not have to stretch to make those essential changes. One more thing: trust your inner wisdom to be your guide into the unknown."

Suzanne Barash
Susyspence2001@yahoo.com

FEATURE ARTICLE

The DO'S and DON'TS of a successful first date

By Laurie Cameron

First dates, especially blind dates can sometimes be unnerving at best. What to say, what not to say, what to wear, where to meet, how will you recognize him or her? All these questions can add to "introduction anxiety", but it doesn't have to be that way. Here are some DO'S and DON'TS that will help you make every first date a fun experience and a complete success!

DON'T be something you're not. There might be a temptation to impress your date by "fudging" your accomplishments, qualities and appearance. This is very dangerous! If you begin with lies, when the truth is uncovered, all trust and credibility is lost.

DO be authentic. It's a great idea to put your best foot forward, just be sure that it's YOUR foot! If you want someone to like you for who you are, you have to know how to BE who you are. You have nothing to lose by being yourself!

DON'T dump your life story on your first date. Even if it's a fascinating story, the first meeting is not the place. You can do a Cliff Notes-style version, but leave the details for future dates. And definitely DON'T DON'T DON'T dump your divorce or past break-up stories on your first date. This is a great way to guarantee that your first date is your last date with this person.

DO keep it relatively light and listen more than you talk. You can have a lively or even a deep conversation without monopolizing the time. If you start feeling like you're doing all the talking, transition gracefully with a question such as "Have you had a similar experience?" You can't play tennis if you keep the ball on your side of the court.

DON'T interview your date. There's nothing worse (except divorce war stories) on a first date than feeling like you're on a job interview.

DO come prepared with conversational questions. If you listen carefully, you can hear values and beliefs in answers to many ordinary questions. A question about the stock market situation can reveal attitudes toward money. A question about travel experiences can reveal attitudes about adventure, risk and lifestyle.

DON'T make snap judgements. It's easy to "sum" someone up in a matter of moments, especially based on appearance. And although physical chemistry is vital to a successful relationship, don't assume that if it's not there in the first five minutes that it will never be there. I have many clients who found that chemistry and attraction grew as they got to know their partner.

DO be open and give each person a chance to be who they are. Treat each date like a blank etch-a-sketch and allow them to draw themselves for you.

DON'T assume that if the person isn't "the one" that the date is a failure. That kind of tunnel vision is needy and definitely NOT attractive. If you're only looking for "the one", you're missing out on a whole lot of great stuff in your life.

DO expect to learn something about yourself from every date. Someone may not be your one true love, but they may be a great business contact, a good resource, or just an interesting person to spend a bit of time with. If you go into each date with the intention of becoming a healthier, more conscious person, each date will be a complete success!

Finally, DON'T treat a date in any way that you would not want to be treated. Think back on past "disaster dates" and note what made them uncomfortable for you. DON'T be the type of person you wouldn't want to date.

DO practice the Golden Rule. If you want to be treated with kindness, honesty and compassion, the question of your own behavior becomes a real no-brainer!

Laurie Cameron
Coach ~ Speaker ~ Catalyst
Laurie@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
303-740-0352