This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"I've heard about relationship requirements, and it sounds pretty limiting. Isn't it enough to love someone, have them love you back, and just work out the rest?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
MINESH ANSWERS:
I know relationships should be a lot simpler but unfortunately they are not. It is interesting that we can fall in love much easily yet we find it difficult to sustain it when we are faced with communication problems and when our critical needs not being met. At such a time it is critical to have a clear idea of what your most important needs are and whether they can be met in this relationship or not. During harmonal rage - we tune out most of our needs and if - at that time we have a guide to verify whether that relationship meets our needs or not , we would be able to proceed further with less chance of an emotional upheaval of a breakup. My experience of over 9 years of blissful marriage bears this out.
SANDY ANSWERS: Actually requirements are liberating rather than limiting. Why? A key element to an outstanding, high quality relationship is defining who you are and what you want so you can recognize it when you meet it. The power of clarity in relationship is that you can have what you want if you know what it is. It's also about distinguishing the "vital few" from the "trivial many." Without a clear sense of your personal values, principles, and priorities, it's almost impossible to bring the picture of your preferred future into focus or reality. Here's an analogy. Think about the difference between a laser and a light bulb. The light bulb lights up a lot of area. But the power of the laser is that its magnification into a smaller area gives it the power to quickly cut through steel to manifest its purpose and destination. Be willing to settle for more!
Sandy K. Kuehl
Certified Professional Co-Active Coach
http://www.SynergizeU.com
Sandcoach@SynergizeU.com
515.224.1939
MIKE ANSWERS: Yes, self-imposed "relationship requirements" are limiting (at least from a numerical standpoint.) We are, by definition, reducing the number of potential partners by imposing specific selection criteria upon them, and we all know about the undesirable side-effects to being "too picky." However, these "limitations," WITHIN REASON, may be entirely appropriate and may even be personally empowering. In the same way that we CHOOSE (for whatever reasons) the automobiles we drive, the homes we live in, and the friends we spend time with, and there appear to be more than enough varieties of each for us to "be picky" and still be ecstatic about the result, we make choices daily regarding the building and living of the life we determine is "perfect" for us at that time. Life is a-la-carte, so "Bon Appetit!"
Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
(602) 277-9000
icusa@dancris.com
BARRY ANSWERS: It is true; there are millions of poems, songs and books focusing on love, the love of someone and their giving love back. Contrastingly, I am unaware of a multitude of writings on relationship requirements. As often is the case, balance is the important issue. Not to discount the wonderful magnificence of the mutual love and endearing two people share with one another, it is also important for each to honor their humanness. No matter how evolved we might become, we still seem to have emotional and functional wants and needs which help us to feel accepted and honored, especially in our significant relationships. The most important ones are requirements and consequently, if they are not present in the relationship a couple often reaches an impasse that is irreconcilable. Therefore, as valuable as love and chemistry are, it is also important for healthy, balanced individuals to respect needs that they have as human beings.
Barry Teller, Safe Passage
barryteller@hotmail.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com/coach/bteller.htm
(972) 562-4080
FEATURE ARTICLE
The top ten C's in conclusions
(when you are wrestling with a decision)
by Beth Pugh
"To choose is also to begin."
~ Unknown
Do you ever struggle with making decisions? Are you one of those people who agonize over their choices? I am not. I am one of those who can make a decision and generally be satisfied. For the most part, even when things don't turn out exactly as I would like, I don't have regrets. I have learned to be kind to myself, recognizing that I have done the best I could do with the information I was given.
Of course, the life span of a the decision making process varies depending on the person and the subject. Some findings are easy to come to, while others take a long time to manifest. It matters not. The only wasted time is when we are not actively seeking to come to some sort of resolution. I often refer to this as "limbo land" -- when we are just hanging in limbo doing nothing to resolve things, while our stress levels mount due to our inactivity. That is no fun.
I haven't always been so decisive, mind you. It's just that I have a simple but effective process that helps me come to the conclusions I need to. And it works. I'd like to highlight the progressive steps I call THE TOP TEN C'S IN CONCLUSIONS.
Be COGNIZANT. To be cognizant means to be aware and informed. Gather all the information you need to make an educated decision. If you need to know something just ask someone or research the topic. The more knowledge you have, the less regrets you have later. This is the foundation of all decision making.
Give CONSIDERATION. Give regard other ideas that may seem unusual to you. Pay attention to new ways of thinking and looking at challenges. There are often many solutions to a situation, but sometimes we can only see what we are familiar with.
Use CAUTION. Having said the above, also notice anything that really does not feel right for you. We innately know when things feel "icky." Notice and acknowledge these feelings for the very important message they are sending you.
CLARIFY. Combine the first three steps given here -- cognizance, consideration and caution -- and see if there is anything that is perplexing to you. If there is, repeat the first three steps until you understand all the implications involved. When you are clear, move ahead and ...
Get COMFORTABLE. Give yourself some time and to get used to new insights and make adjustments as you need to. No stress -- just acclimate yourself.
Enlist COOPERATION. Hey, who wants to make decisions alone? Talk with somebody (or Somebody) about things. Share your ideas and get the support you need. Build your support team! (Hiring a coach is a fine idea!) ;)
No CHARACTER COMPROMISES. You are in integrity when what you think, say and do are all in alignment. Check and then double (and triple) check to make sure that you are not compromising your character in any way.
Feel your CONFIDENCE. At this stage of your conclusion process, you should feel pretty good about your progress. Don't allow fear to get in the way! If there are doubts, go back and repeat the above steps until you feel confident about your desired outcome.
Have CONVICTION. Beyond confidence lies conviction. Here you have developed a viewpoint and have certain beliefs that will propel you forward. Expect the best! Sometimes faith is our greatest conviction -- let it carry you on to ...
COMMITMENT. It is here that the conclusion process stops. It is here that one takes outward actions to come to the conclusions needed. It is here that I borrow the Nike slogan and say, "Just do it."
The next time you are wrestling with a decision follow these steps and see of it doesn't make the process easier. It works for me!
Oh! And if all else fails, add #11 to this top ten list -- flip a COIN. :)
Beth Pugh,Professional Life Coach
http://www.brightsidecoaching.com/
678-938-0419
Beth@BrightSideCoaching.com
