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July 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I am a woman in my 50's. It's hard to meet men in my age range because I don't know where to find Level 4 Attraction Venues that include men - most of the activities are geared toward women. Where do the 50-ish-year-old men who are into personal growth go to hang out?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

BARRY ANSWERS:
Polo Matches, since they have transcended football, baseball, and basketball in their search for 'higher meaning'. Seriously, this question arises often from women who are learning to honor and value themselves. They become aware that they can be pro-active in their being the 'chooser' for their relationships and Life Partner. First, it is very important to be thoroughly clear about your primary values, passions and life purpose. Having been definitive with your own personal, inner work, you will more naturally be attracted to and connect with the Level 4 Attraction Venues, which include men that are more likely to match your vision. Second, in learning to honor yourself and what is important to you, you will naturally choose Attraction Venues that nurture your passions. Consequently, you will 'show up' more authentically and more naturally connect with others who match your wants and desires.

Barry Teller
(972) 562-4080
BarryTeller@hotmail.com
Dallas, Texas

MIKE ANSWERS:
I would suggest to you the following places to look:

  • Landmark Education Corporation (The Landmark Forum, etc.)
  • Community College classes
  • Dale Carnegie classes
  • Toastmasters groups
  • Service organizations (Rotary, Kiwanis, etc ...)
  • Bookstores
  • Local MENSA chapter
  • Church, synagogue, ...
  • Introduction / Dating Services
  • Hiking clubs, special interest clubs / groups (chess :)

Mike McCartney
1661 E. Camelback, #115
Phoenix, AZ 85016
(602) 277 - 9000
icusa@dancris.com

FEATURE ARTICLE

Relationship health for conscious singles - the second time around

By Barry Teller

I would love the opportunity to have a 'second chance' of offering a better partner to my past 'significant other' with the knowledge I have gained in the past 10 years of my personal quest for a more balanced and healthier life. It wasn't that I did not love her dearly, but I just did not have the awareness or skills to provide a very healthy partner, who was able to honor her as the precious, separate individual she was.

I meant well and believe that many of the values I was trying to share with her were very positive. Nevertheless, I was often incongruent in the ways I represented those values and what I told her did not necessarily match how she saw me behave in my interactions with her and others. Consequently as my partner, she may have been confused by my dual messages and was not provided with a clear way of understanding what I was trying to represent to her. Also, she may have consequently developed distrust for me all together.

How would I relate to a partner differently today? First, I would make it a priority to take better care of myself and my emotional health by understanding what is important to me and setting boundaries about choices of what I allow into my day to day life. This seems selfish and self-centered to many people, but my experience has been that if I give too much of myself away to other people or activities, I don't have the ability to be available to the persons or issues that matter most to me. Learning to trust my own intuition and honor my own self-worth are the most important gifts that I believe I can offer my partner. This seems to be the difference between existing and thriving for me. Living my life this way seems to allow me to more easily honor my significant other and respect their separateness from me; by a willingness to meet them 'halfway' so they will feel empowered and understood.

Some of the ways I would share healthy values with my partner would be to:

  • offer compassion and generosity to her (in a way that is not enabling)
  • be honest and demonstrate integrity in my daily actions
  • share gratitude and appreciation by noticing the large and small things she does for me and acknowledging such efforts and actions with a display of thankfulness and reciprocation
  • demonstrate humility and flexibility by owning my mistakes and imperfections, asking for forgiveness and showing a desire and willingness to improve and change
  • be patient, tolerant and forgiving by understanding her human nature when making mistakes and by accepting her apologies when offered
  • be cheerful and optimistic by a willingness to see the positive side instead of focusing on the negative and through choosing love and happiness over fear and resentment
  • share humor by not being too serious; laughing at myself and others when appropriate
  • demonstrate courage and assertiveness by setting clear boundaries and asking for what I want
  • show loyalty and responsibility by honoring my commitment to her and by following through with my agreements
  • express unity, friendliness and cooperation by having an inclusive attitude and the willingness to be a team player

The main thing that allows me to appreciate and accept my imperfections as a human is my belief that 'we all do the best we can' with the awareness and abilities we have at the time. I now have the opportunity to have a second chance of offering my partner a better-educated mate. We can all strive to be healthier partners, one day at a time, through unconditional love, self-acceptance, and a willingness to grow and change along with those around us.

"If we don't change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed!" Old Chinese Proverb

Barry Teller, M.S., Relationship Coach
(972) 562-4080
coachbarryteller@hotmail.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com/coach/bteller.htm