This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"I'm at a point in my life where I have very little disposable income. I'm saving for a house and have an extra part-time job. It's difficult for me to afford many of the activities that make up the early stages of dating, and I feel uncomfortable brining this topic up at a first meeting. I worry I'll scare off attractive people by appearing penny-pinching. I find myself often doing something that breaks my budget just to get to know someone I really like. How can I meet potential partners and pursue the connection in a way that's generous and equitable, but doesn't involve spending a lot?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
RUSSELL ANSWERS: I hear you! Trying to establish a relationship with someone when funds are at a minimum can be frustrating to say the least. I would suggest you look into a couple of things. First, ponder the romantic things you enjoy doing with someone else (i.e. a walk on the beach or in the park, sharing a glass if wine before the fireplace, sharing an ice cream cone, etc.) and verbalize these things to your potential date. He or she may have the same type of romantic ideas. Many times the things that are most romantic do not include a big price tag...a single red rose for instance. Also, be creative! Look in the entertainment section of your newspaper. You will find many ideas that are not hard on the wallet or pocketbook (museums, lectures, free concerts, etc.). Finally, do consider seeking the professional assistance of a relationship coach. A relationship coach, if examined solely from a cost-benefit analysis, should get you were you want to be more quickly. Find a coach who will help you "Finding The Love Of Your Life -AND- The Life That You Love!"
DAVID ANSWERS: Owning a home seems important to you, and I bet your saving for one would be attractive to many people if they knew. Don't keep it a secret or defend it. Just share it as part of what is important in your life. Then check your newspaper for interesting organizations that have meetings and events open to the public. There are usually more free or low cost activities than we think, and many potential partners attend them. Finally, a simple picnic in the park with real plates, glasses, silverware, cloth napkins and a few votive candles can be much more fun and romantic than dinner in an expensive restaurant.
BARRY ANSWERS: One of the most important things to remember in "showing up" for our quest of a relationship is to BE AUTHENTIC no matter what. When we are completely honest about who we are and what our situation is, this mirrors to others our true selves. Our culture typically does not honor those who are experiencing temporary setbacks with jobs and other occurrences that have us pinching pennies, so it makes it difficult to be authentic when these times arise. Nevertheless, we can continue to honor ourselves by accepting ourselves during these periods and not playing "the games" many others continue to play. There are many activities that are available in any community that are either free or minimal in expense. During the times we may have less cash flow, we can choose to attend such events and enjoy these varying experiences. I believe other authentic, potential partners will truly enjoy them also and will just enjoy the time spent with another authentic person, rather than be concerned that they are not at "the hottest event happening".
TOM ANSWERS: Tell the whole truth, without apology, early and often. Do you really want to hook up with someone who doesn't respect your choice of financial responsibility? The first few dates are better spent in face to face low-cost or no-cost activities, like walks and coffee shops. You need the face time to screen for fit. Be authentic and generous with your attention. Focus all of it on your potential partner and they'll feel the richness of your presence. This is a far greater gift than the presence of financial richness.
MINESH ANSWERS: First of all, I appreciate your willingness to work an extra part-time job to save for a house. You seem to be fiscally responsible. Obviously, you should look for somebody who also is fiscally responsible like you. There are numerous avenues for singles who are fiscally responsible. You can participate in physical activities like going to a decent gym, belonging to a runners/joggers club, aquatic club etc. Also membership and attendance in different singles groups, esp. sponsored by your religious organization, is quite inexpensive. Focus on attracting somebody with your values and priorities. Best wishes.
Picture a horizontal scale, colored a cool blue on the left and a bright red on the right. As you move along the scale from left to right the blue fades toward extinction and the red starts modestly and increases in intensity to dominate the right end of the scale. Sometimes I draw a ferocious devil-with-pitchfork figure at the right end.
I often use this colorful image to express the relationship between the intellect and the emotions in human conflict. It applies equally well in many settings: romantic relationships, marriages, friendships, and business partnerships. I label the scale from left to right with these four terms in sequence:
Conflict or disagreement over facts (correct time, costs, travel options, critical path, client data) are generally resolved quickly and easily by re-checking or researching. It is a solid blue sort of conflict. Rational, easy.
When we are in conflict over ideas, we can usually expect the entry of an emotional component. Individuals, couples, and groups attach ownership to their ideas, and in most cases want theirs to "win". We can see a thread of "red" here, although it may not appear directly in the words expressed.
Because we invest ourselves in the thoughts and positions we believe to be correct, we may fight, if challenged, for the perceived rightness of our beliefs. Conflict resolution in this range is getting more difficult to solve. People often "believe" something to be true and important without attempting any sort of objective assessment. Here we see less blue of reason, more red of emotion.
People go to war to protect or extend their values. This is the devil's home field, where compromise is most difficult and reason has become a lost and meaningless factor. The color is hostile, inflammatory red. Remember when our parents told us to "count to ten and cool down"? Remember years later when you were cautioned (and if this hasn't happened in your case yet, here it comes!), "Don't ever say or do something in the heat of emotion that you'll have to stand before a judge later and explain in rational terms!"
A conflict that is anchored at any point on this scale can be bypassed, often with subsequent destructive consequences, or it can be addressed and resolved. The best methods of resolution in an enlightened setting include compromise, mediation, collaboration, and shared anticipation of agreed-upon positive outcomes. The agent to bring this about can be a leader, an involved member, or a qualified consultant from outside the conflicted dyad or group. Any qualified and experienced coach, counselor, or consultant has likely developed skills in conflict resolution.
The job of conflict resolution requires, referring to our scale above, that the blue component be increased and the red component be mitigated. Opposing feelings may well stay strong, but compromise and consensus will occur only with rational thinking and intent. Then, inquiries and discussions can take place in a more collaborative atmosphere with the outside party as facilitator. In this role he or she will keep the conflicted parties focused on progress toward positive results, and will keep the work within effective bounds. In bounds means practicing active listening, thoughtful input, avoidance of personal attacks, and the application of other behavioral norms that govern ego-aware couples and high performing groups in the workplace.
Conflict can thrive in relationships, in social groupings, and in the workplace. The nature and stresses inherent in these venues, as well as the infinite variety of personalities, ideas, beliefs, and values among individuals, partners, colleagues, and clients insure high chances of conflict. When you're involved, please do not let it seethe untended. Unresolved, it can destroy friendships, marriages, and organizations. There's work to be done. There are coaches and therapists with skills to bring your conflict into focus and guide you into healing it. Deal with conflict and prosper.
