This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
"I'm a single parent of two middle school aged children. I'm never quite sure when to bring them into the picture when I'm dating someone. What would you suggest?"
THE COACHES RESPOND:
MINESH ANSWERS: At this age, the children are more likely to be going through their own growing pains. So the advisable thing to do is to not include your date in the picture until you have made sure that this is the person who is marriage material and you are planning to make a commitment. Otherwise you could be complicating their lives with introduction to different potential candidates. Also you want to make sure the person is right for you before you decide whether the person is right for the kids.
BETH ANSWERS: Good for you for being so sensitive to the needs of kids! Speaking from my own experience, I do not introduce my children to any one I date unless we have dated a while and I feel there is the potential for a fulfilling relationship. If there is not a chance of that, then children do not need to have the stress associated with meeting a new "mate." If there is the potential, then I suggest introducing it slowly and in short intervals of time. Maybe a movie or a trip to the park. Then add a little more time with the kids (and perhaps his/her kids too) very gradually. Also be careful to let your children see you grow with the relationship -- they don't need to be exposed to a lot of displays of affection the first time they see you two together. Taking it slow and be aware of the kids' feeling is the only way to create a win-win for all.
AMY ANSWERS: As a single, I use the same policy I recommend to my clients. For most kids under about 15, the time to involve the kids beyond the polite introduction is when the dating relationship can only move forward at it's natural pace by including them in activities. That timing clearly differs by child and by relationship. Children not yet in high school feel as if it will be an eternity before they can leave home, and will be more critical of and/or conversely, more attached to your dating partner. In addition, modeling stability in relationships is critical for middle school kids as they establish their own values in regard to dating. You'll know the time is right to involve the kids when, after quite a few dates, you can honestly say to them "I really like this person and I'd like you to get to know him/her (implying both the importance of their assessment and the potential for a future with this partner). Then invite them to spend time with the two of you. Be sensitive to the desires of your dating partner, too. Is he or she ready to deal with the reactions (and potential responsibilities) of spending time with your children at this stage of your relationship? The more openly you can discuss this with kids AND partners, the better the experience.
BARRY ANSWERS: You are not alone. Many single parents ask this same question in support groups and from other reliable sources. First, it is important to trust your own intuition and heartfelt answers within. You can also network with other single parents who you trust and who are healthy models with similar beliefs and values. Trust your children for their insights and perspectives, while doing your best to communicate with them in a clear way about your thoughts and feelings on such issues. Example of a type of communication: "My new friend Mark will be going with us to the movies tonight. As you know, he and I have had a few dates and are getting to know one another, but just in case you are wondering, we have no plans of marriage". Although I believe it is very important that you make it clear that you are the parent and such decisions are yours to make, it is also valuable to include your family in any process that may involve their thoughts and feelings. We are often amazed at our children's ability to be a part of such processes, rather than feeling like we are separate from them and need to be 'in control'. Also, it is important to have a clear understanding with your dating partner of your perspectives of their involvement with you and your family. It is important to remember that a very healthy approach to dating (with or without children involved) is through first developing a valuable friendship with any prospective partner before allowing more intimate parts of the relationship to evolve.
The power of vision in creating your ideal relationship
By Barry North
The first element of a successful life partner quest is having a clear vision. A vision is your plan for how you want your life to be, and becomes your inner guidance system that leads you to some choices and away from others. When you are living your life in harmony with your vision, your life seems to work. If your life isn't working, it is likely that your life is not aligned with your vision.
You can avoid going down a lot of dead ends in your life by being clear about your vision. To look for a life partner without a clear vision is like setting out on a long sea voyage without a chart or a destination in mind. If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there? And who is likely to accompany you if you don't know where you are going?
How do you define your life vision? If you close your eyes and relax, you may be able to create a mental picture of the various qualities of your ideal life and relationship. By exploring these pictures, you are literally able to see your life unfold before you. Next you write (yes write!) down the vision you created. Be as detailed as possible. For example, consider including where you live and what kind of lifestyle you have. Do you live in the city in a condo or in a rural area in a large house? Are you living in the mountains or near the water? What does the view from your home look like? Are you and your partner on the go all the time or do you spend leisure time reading by the fireplace or lounging by the pool?
What are your values and how do they show up in your life? When you can see your life as being in alignment with your values, it is more attractive to you as well as others. For example, if you value fun, how does it show up in your life, and how will you share that value with your partner? If you value contribution, what are you doing to manifest that in your life?
Most people are fulfilled when their work fits their aptitudes and passions. When you envision your ideal life, what are you doing? Are you doing what you are doing now or is there another career or goal in the plan for you? What values are you honoring by doing what you do? What about your partner? Does it matter to you what your partner does for a living? Do you share important values with your partner in the type of work you do? For example, if helping other people is an important value for you, is it important that your partner shares that value?
How do friends, family, and community show up in your vision? What kinds of friends do you have and how important are they to you? What activities do you share with your friends? Do you spend a lot of time with friends, or do you tend to spend more time alone with your partner? How does your family, however you define it, fit in with your life? What is your relationship to your family? Does your ideal life include children? How do you celebrate holidays with your family? What do you and your partner do to have fun, and how do you contribute to your community? What do you do to recharge your batteries? How important is it to share activities and interests with your partner? You've probably noticed by now that this vision you are creating is really about who you are, rather than a description of your ideal partner. With a clear vision, you can start living a full and complete life without waiting until your life partner shows up. Because your vision for your life and relationship is clear, it's easier to say "Yes!" to what you want and "No!" to what you don't want, and that's the power of vision. For an extraordinary life and relationship, start by creating a clear vision.
