Member News

March 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

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The Knowlege Bank index for content from other issues
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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"As a mid-life woman, I find re-entering the single world a bit daunting. How can we 40- to 50-ish women (either divorced or widowed) make the transition gracefully?"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

Aaron Answers:
What I like about 40 to 50ish women is that they take chances. They're outspoken, passionate, expressive, engaging and engagable. They speak to who they want to speak to and don't wait like some mannequin in a window. They go to poetry readings, political gatherings, art galleries, coffee houses, dances, hiking, theatre and they enjoy themselves thoroughly whether alone or in good company. They seek out lively dialog with people that share their pizzazz and learn continuously. They choose men whose essence speaks to theirs and do so unattached to outcome. They love the life they've created for themselves and share it lovingly in small moments with style. They wittingly realize that from a certain vantage point love is fearlessness. And they go forth with a cherished recklessness.

Aaron Silverberg, Liberation Coach
(206) 527-6108
coachajs@home.com
http://www.offthemap.net/

FEATURE ARTICLE

Have you got the singles' blues?

by David Bentley

Do you feel inferior because you don't have a partner? Is being single a curse for something you don't even remember doing? Does being single overwhelm you or make you want to crawl under the covers and hide? If so, you may have a case of the Singles' Blues.

Although this syndrome hasn't been documented in medical journals or recognized by the American Psychological Association, I contend that it's a life-threatening malady for those wanting to be successful singles. Whether wishing to remain single or find the love of your life, the Singles' Blues can derail you from the fast track to happiness and fulfillment.

How do you recognize the symptoms? How do you overcome them? My informal research is ongoing, but here is what I've discovered so far.

SYMPTOM #1 -- Holding Onto the Past

This very common symptom of the Singles' Blues can keep us holding onto past experiences which prevent us from succeeding in the present. For example we may not initiate communication with other singles because in the past we got snubbed by someone or turned down for a date. We wait for others to approach us and become depressed and/or angry when they don't.

Holding on can also cause us to take the same unsuccessful actions we've always taken, expecting them to work this time if we just try harder. We know that if at first you don't succeed, try again; but the key to this adage is that when we try again, we have to try something new.

Sometimes we even hold onto physical objects from the past. Do you still have love letters from a former sweetheart who is now married and has six children? Is that faded rose from your first date still pressed between pages of Rumi poems? Isn't it time to get rid of the physical and emotional remnants of the past?

SYMPTOM #2 -- Sarcasm

Do you make derogatory remarks about previous suitors? Have you been cynical about your friends' relationships? Do you enumerate the negative aspects of being single and/or being successfully partnered? If so, it's time to play fair and look at the positive side of things, too.

My own research in this area has proven that there are usually more positives than negatives if I am honest and meticulous in my observations. The number of positives and negatives are directly proportional to how I'm feeling about myself. When I feel good about myself I find positive qualities in the world around me. When I feel bad about myself I find more negatives.

SYMPTOM #3 -- Excessive Guilt

Many of us take too much responsibility for what happens in our world. I'm over 25 and still not in a long-term relationship; there must be something wrong with me. I've broken up with my lover or divorced my spouse, therefore I'm a bad person who no one else will want. I should have run away with that high school sweetheart, but I chickened out and now I'll never have another chance.

We all make mistakes, but the only failures are the mistakes from which we fail to learn. Guilt is a useless emotion that prevents us from dusting off our pants and getting back into the saddle. It is important to accept responsibility for our part in any situation, but only our part. If we need to apologize, make amends, and change our ways, then so be it. We do whatever we need to do and then move on.

SYMPTOM #4 -- The Paralysis of Analysis

Do you ever find yourself unable to move in any direction? Have you looked at every possible angle of past, present and future relationships until you are totally confused? Are you filled with fear for the misfortunes awaiting you on the relationship scene? If so, stop analyzing and take some action.

Any action, even the wrong one, is going to get you moving. After you've moved a bit, decide what steps to take next. If the first action produced good results, keep moving in the same direction. If not, then choose a new direction. Standing still and analyzing only keeps you from moving down the path of life.

CONCLUSION

I'm sure that future research will uncover additional symptoms and cures for the Singles' Blues. In the meantime, heed the warning signs and don't succumb to this vile condition. If all else fails, have a bowl of chicken soup, and call your coach in the morning.

David Bentley, Personal Coach
dbentley@interisland.net
http://www.interisland.net/dbentley
360-378-8436