Member News

February 2001

This page contains selected content from this month's "Conscious Dating Singles News."

See also:

The Knowlege Bank index for content from other issues
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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"Since I'm not in a romantic relationship right now, I really dread Valentine's Day, even more than the holidays. I feel like hibernating until the 15th, because everything in the stores and on television points to romance. HELP!"

THE COACHES RESPOND:

Ron & Angela respond:
A sure fire way to get out of a dark (hibernating) hole is "DSFSEQ" - Do Something For Someone Else Quick!! Once you take the focus off yourself and your dreaded situation, and put some creative life energy into assisting someone else, you are able to see the world in a whole new light. Taking action can be your greatest ally when you are in the pit of darkness. For Valentine's, or any other day for that matter you could create a sock hop for some special need kids, or take someone from a seniors center out for lunch... anything to get you generating some positive juice in your life. Oh and by the way- Who do you think might be more attractive to the opposite sex: A hibernating bear, or a radiant, caring human being?

Ron & Angela Skene
Pathways To Joy & Effective Living
rskene@tlus.net
250-397-4166

Susan Responds:
It sounds like Valentines Day 2001 is a wonderful day to celebrate a love affair with yourself by indulging in all of the Valentines Day hoopla. How about filling out and sending the most beautiful Valentines Day card to yourself on Feb. 7? In the card, remember to tell yourself what a gift you are to all the people you touch. Ask 5 of your closest family members and friends to send you a Valentines Day card and make sure you do the same for them. And why not buy yourself and another single friend of yours the best box of chocolates and a beautiful bouquet of roses on 2/14. Then finish the day going out to dinner with a special friend or family member who may be feeling the same as you do. Over a nice bottle of wine, remind each other that your ideal soulmate is just around the corner. And if there are still a few hours left in the day, soak in a warm bubble bath with a great book and/or soothing music and then gently tuck yourself into bed. I'm in the same situation as you are and I think I just designed my perfect Valentines Day for 2001.

Susan Valdiserri Smvaldi@yahoo.com

Carol Responds:
Several years ago I felt this exact same way. So this is what I did. I decided to be my own valentine and create an ideal day just for me! I bought myself my favorite beautiful flowers and a really cool mug with red hearts all over it that says "I love you." It is still my favorite coffee mug. I made myself a card to tell myself that I am loved and lovable. I made myself a special meal of my favorite comfort foods. I played my favorite music and boogied all over my house. I rented a great movie! I went for a walk on the beach. I turned Valentine's Day into a special lovefest for myself and I felt totally nurtured, loved and cherished. It is the best Valentine's day I can remember to date.

Carol Lorraine M.A.,
Alive! with Creativity Coaching
selfimages@aol.com
www.selfimages.com
808-323-2755

FEATURE ARTICLE

Get back to basics - YOU!

Iyanla Vanzant, author and workshop presenter extraordinaire, bellowed from the podium. "When you get into a relationship, don't be needin' somebody to fill you up. You gotta fill your own self up! If you're needy, stay by yourself." The audience seemed to laugh and sigh at the same time, realizing that her statement contained not only humor but profound truth.

What a gift to come to a relationship with a strong sense of self--to join with another as a whole--not a vessel to be filled but a cup that runneth over. And what runneth over is the gifts you have to share with a partner.

The journey towards a fulfilling relationship must begin with self-intimacy. It must begin with you knowing what you are all about. What do you love most in life? What attracts you? What kinds of books, movies, people, places, weather call to you? What kind of things do you like to do when you have leisure time? What is the work you love most? What makes you stand tall? What makes you shrink away? When you become clear about what turns you on and how you want to live as a human being, you will also become clear on what kind of person you want to share this life of yours with.

If you do the things you love and enjoy you will be in places and situations with other people who love and enjoy the same things. You will be meeting people who share these passions with you. You will not be saying, "I need you to fill me up." But instead, "I want you to share the overflow of my life with you."

When I began dating, I had this romanticized 'Romeo and Juliet' view of love as something that would complete me. I thought I was looking for my other half and once I found him . . . alas, we could live together as one. It took me many years of relationship failures to realize that it was a tragic mistake to expect anyone else to complete me. I had to come to the relationship whole in order for it to work.

I began by doing a thorough inventory of myself. What did I want out of life? What did I most love? What brought me the most joy? I loved connecting with people. I loved being of service. I loved Rock and Roll. I loved meaningful conversation. I loved being by water. I loved books and movies. I began to live what I loved. If I met someone or didn't, I was certainly having a great time.

I also envisioned the relationship of my dreams. My vision was of my special someone enjoying life with me. We would bike together, spend time by water, dance, talk, dream, laugh. He would not be exactly like me, but respect what I was. He would be a loving, kind, moral and generous person. He would be the kind of man that I would want to be the father of my children.

While I was doing volunteer work at a local hospital, I befriended a woman about my age. We clicked immediately and shared our stories, our hopes and dreams. She spoke of a wonderful guy she knew who she wanted to introduce me to. It didn't take long before I figured out that this guy fit my vision. Not only did he love to bike and cook and read and go to movies but he was kind, considerate and moral and loved to laugh.

Getting clear about how I wanted to live really paid off for me. I was able to meet people that were more like me. In living my passions and dreams, I met the man that I would end up marrying and have been happily married to for 27 years.

Iyanla is so on target about getting back to basics--the basic truth of who you are and what you want your life to look like. There is a whole, big, beautiful world out there just waiting for you to attack with gusto. The turning point in my life as a successful single was when I learned what I was all about and what I wanted my life to look like. I no longer had the need for someone to fill me up. My life was not only full but spilling over. It has been that way ever since.

Brenda Strausz, MA, Psychotherapist
Relationship Success Coach
dearbrenn@aol.com
http://dearbrenn.bizland.com